THE MORAS MEXICAN ADVENTURE

For Crissy because she asked so nice, and I thought about her tonight

2011-11-12T23:04:00.000-06:00

Tonight I watched the movie "Catch and Release". It's a cheesy chick flick about getting real about the past in order to let it go, and moving on to the future. Cute story, decent message set somewhere in Colorado or Utah in the summer with big mountains and tall pine trees, and all the nature that is at the root of my soul. Group of friends loses a friend. They live all together in a cute little small house with architecture that reminds me of a house where my friend crissy lived on 1100 east in SLC. Pitched roofs and shingles, heavy wooden doors, and hard wood floors, wooden framed-sheet rocked house, quaint, cozy, old and homey. The group dynamic among this group of young adults reminded me of a flavor I felt in many circles in which I turned once upon a time in my life. A time long ago, before I spoke spanish or felt accountable to a God for my actions. A feeling among friends of unity and vitality with an unlying color of very subtle unrest. Nothing to certain or permanent, just living in the moment, for the moment. But mostly it was the nature... All the trees and woods around that made me long for cayons, mountains, and colored leaves, and outdoor concerts, camping and my thoughtful spot. All of it seems like more than a lifetime ago.

Now I am surrounded by palms not pines, and ocean instead of mountains. Now I rarely live for the moment always thinking about how everything I do all day will affect the permanent development of three humans beings, that have been entrusted in my care. No biggie... Always thinking about having enough money and resourses for tomorrow and planning each waking minute to make sure I get every thing I need to do, done. Such different days.

I don't even feel like the same person, some days. But as I felt the trembling of longing in my heart for my land and that landscape and that carefree place in my past I felt the girl I was then face the woman I am now and say,

" You can do this Brook. The carefree spunky spirit you were then keeps you balanced in the often heavy task at hand. The girl who grew up learning to camp can make peace with a country where there are always ants on the counter tops, no matter how clean they are, and the solid oak trees and steady tall pines have taken root in your soul. You are as strong as they are, because your roots are solid. You can do this."

Just a minute to experience 'my' nature, and see 'my' land reminds me who I really am, and where I come from, and even though I miss it, it gives me strength to catch all the good that is coming to my life in a foriegn land, and release any angst that keeps me from doing what I am down here to do.

Love you Utah and everyone there... someday I will be back

PS Cris, you could look like Jenifer Garner... what do you think?

In Honor of Lace

2011-08-18T21:43:00.000-05:00

This is my brother Kouver and the woman he loves. Her
name is Lace. I immediately loved her too. As you can you can see, she is
beautiful. But what you can't see if that she is talented, creative, intelligent, sensitive,
engaging, compassionate, hard working, intuitive, self reliant, just to name a few. The best thing
about Lace is that she uses her super long list of qualities to help and bless others.
In her Honor Kouver organized a humanitarian Service project at the Huntsman Cancer Society. We
wanted to join our efforts with his, by doing a little service of our own here in Cancun.
We decided to pick up trash with the kids, and clean our very filthy street.

Our team included me, my mom LuAnn,
My friend Sandra, her two children Joshua and Maia
and my three children Eva Sam and Hyrum.
If you were wondering if it was easy to get toddlers to pick up trash in the
blistering heat of the noon day sun, the anwser is YES! They loved it, and
worked so hard, and had SO much fun.

They worked together.

They worked alone

They celebrated success

and then they worked some more

And when was all said and done, They were still so HAPPY. I thought
a lot about Lace as I watched them delight in bettering the world around them
because as she gracefully moves through life she seems so happy and excited to
better the world around her. We are so honored and blessed to know her.

And then since we "mexicans" are always looking for a reason to
break a Pinata, we joined in Kouver's theme and broke one. He did his
with the cancer patients, and we invited kids we don't know from the pool.
Each of the kids hit the pinata with a quality that was SO Lace!

Maia ( 2 yrs old ) was sweet!

Sam (3 yrs old) was fierce!

Joshua (almost 4yrs) was excited!

Eva ( 5 yrs) was strong yet lady like...

Hyrum ( 5 months) was interested in learning something new.

Sandra was tough!

And when no one could break it Grandma was determined.

And the spoils were sweet!

WE LOVE YOU LACE! HAPPY BIRHTDAY!

So It wasn't the day

2011-06-08T11:09:00.004-05:00

SO, I guess you have all figured out that, that day was NOT the DAY. Washington has decided that we are staying in Mexico, but actually we are sure it wasn't washington at all, but that funny God in heaven. He's a kidder you know. But we are peaceful and happy and much wonderfulness has rained into our lives since. For example I went to Utah and brought home this little lump of sugar.

HYRUM TITUS MORA

was born March 3 2003, weighed 9 lbs

and has been the best experience that I have EVER had with a newborn.

I am loving this kid and eating up every minute with him.

Maybe it is because we are so much more stable than we were during the first years of Eva and Sam's life, but this kids has cast a spell on his mommy that is truly a blessing.

Justino has been called to serve in the stake presidency as the first couselor and his willingness to serve has brought a new peace to our home that I am grateful for. I was happy to be released as the stake primary president, since the only thing I really want to do is nurse Hyrum... and am also glad that they called me to be in charge of the music in the primary for the stake. That means I get to travel with Justino and sing with the kids, ( and let's be real, that' s the only thing I was really good at anyway!)

I am settled down for the long haul on our Mexican Adventure. We are finally sure that we are here to stay for a long time, if not forever... We are happy and grateful and all together and That's all that matters.

Today could be the day

2011-02-22T09:39:00.003-06:00

Today could be the day. The day we have waited for, prayed for, hoped for, stopped hoping for, and then hoped for again for four long years.

I used to breath only for this day. The fantasy of this day was my reason to keep moving forward. Nothing else felt worth it, but this day made me put one foot in front of the other. Every decision I made was painted by the possiblity that today would be the day. I woke every morning and thought "today will be the day", and then day after day after day... it wasn't.

Soon after the shock of third world hell had healed, and life started to feel more like third world normal I stoped waiting for this day. I started loving palm trees, and creating relationships, and relishing my brilliant bi-lingual children. And the dream of the day faded, and even though I thought it might come, it felt more like longing to win the lottery, something that could happen but probably wouldn't. So forward we marched.

And then one day Washinton called, and said " the day might be coming" And I started hoping again, and then chastizing myself for hoping for something that I knew probably wouldn't come. But my hero in Washington kept working, and her letters would scratch off the scab in my heart that wouldn't let me hope, and my bleeding heart would hope again. And then she said, something she had never said before. She told which day would be the actual day. She said the words Tuesday or Wednesday.... not in the near future, or as soon as possible, not " we are optimistic that is will be soon" an actual concrete day. ( well one of two)

What will I do if today is the day? Cry. Tears of pure joy, and saddness. Tears of relief, and tears of trepedation. Tears of excitement and tears of fear. And then I think the overload of emotion will leave me numb, and completely disbeliving that the day has actually come.

Dear Lenora,

2010-09-13T11:30:00.002-05:00

Dear Lenora,

Today as I was doing a quick pick up, dust, and sweep the house, before going to teach disrespectful Jr. High kids, I heard Claire de Lune by Debussy on theradio.com. I knew it. I played it at my senior recital. Do you remember? I thought about the other pieces that I played that day. I was so pregnant with Eva. I didn't know that recital would end such an important part of me. Hopefully, it won't be over forever. Just for now.

Today as I listened to those notes, I could see them on the keyboard. I longed for that creative part of myself that has been laid to rest. I longed to feel the way I felt when I played. I longed for the connection to myself that I gleaned as I practiced so many hours to understand those musical masterpieces. I miss playing the piano.

I wanted to tell you, because you knew me when I could call myself a musician. Not because I was so good, but because I spent so many hours a day in pursuit of trying to be so good. And mostly because I loved it so much. And also because I never could have done any of it without you. I treasure what you taught me. As much as I miss it, and as many years as have passed, I'd like to think that I learned more than music during all those years, and I am more well equipped to do the tasks I have at hand now because of what music taught me about myself.

I miss you lenora, and I miss so deeply playing the piano. Someday I am going to show up on your door step and I will be ready to take lessons again. I'll look forward to that.

Brook

Happy Mother's Day

2010-05-09T08:38:00.002-05:00

We Can't Scream It Loud Enough!
WE LOVE YOU GRANDMA!!!!

2010-02-07T21:51:00.000-06:00

This was my view earlier today. Playa Del Carmen. Beautiful don't you think?
Warm Sun. White sand. Blue water. Nice Breeze. Paradise.
My brother Andy is here visiting so we drove the 45 minutes or so, down south to Playa. We did an official visit on behalf of the stake primary ( that's my calling in church these days) and then headed for tacos, and to the beach.
It occurred to me that three years ago today I had a much different view of Mexico.
No sun. White Embassy. Blue uniforms. Cold Breeze. Hell.
I stood in the same spot across the street from the embassy scared and staring at the same little door for eight hours watching one face at time walk out. Some triumphant, but mostly worried or angry faces emerged. Justino's face was a color that I had never seen before. A fallen ashen countenance that made me know immediately that something was very wrong.
I could have never imagined on the scary surreal day, that my reality in Mexico would be the living under the breeze of the exotic caribbean.
Not that life is so exotic here. In fact mostly I would say it is quite the opposite. It occurred to me that there is more than meets the eye with that old saying
'Life is a Beach'
And especially so of our journey since that pivotal day three years ago.
It is immense and moves by the hand of God, just as the tides and the waves.
It is easy to get dirty sand seems to find it's way into every nook and cranny.
Sunburn, dry skin, tangled hair are a given if certain precautions are not taken.
There are alot of people around, all interesting but mostly strangers. The company of those who aren't is a real treasure.
It is really fun to be there for a while, but pretty soon you just want to go home.
Mostly It's all about how you approach the day. If you show up prepared for the possible ills of the beach, and focus on the enchantment of just being there,
the experience truly is paradise.

My Soul is like Tree

2010-01-27T08:30:00.005-06:00

When I was 15 yrs old, I met a pivotal group of people. They were my best friends and we were together everyday for many years, mostly in the same place... 234 East 300 North. The Stewart Residence. I still remember the address and the phone number, I could never forget. Mostly I will never forget the people that touched my life forever.

It was such an impactful experience for me hanging out every day, because in that circle doing mostly nothing, the group us of were actually doing alot of something, learning alot about dealing with life. We did it together. We started earlier than most in our sheltered neighborhoods dealing with the big guns of life, like death, divorce, drugs, religion, money, jobs, car accidents, illness, trouble with the law, it was all in there. I've often wondered if that is why God brought us together, because he knew that we were a unique bunch of teens that were going to be hit by life and we needed to be there for each other. And we were.

The years passed and we grew up. We got married and had kids and did what people do. And since grown up life doesn't exactly lend to playing haki sak every night with our friends, we don't see each other a lot. We get together for a christmas party and usually a BBQ or two in the summer, but that is it. But we all walk around with a mark on our hearts because we shared those special years together.

And every once in a while that place in our hearts throb when one us is being hit again with one of those big guns of life. It has happened alot in the past ten "grown up" years that we have spent apart. It is happening again. Papa James Stewart, the owner and head of that infamous Stewart Residence died yesterday. When I was a troubled teen spenging day in and day out at his house, I tried not to be seen by him. And when I became a grown up I got to know him better. He is a kind and good man. He had to be to let a bunch of hooligans run around and through his house for all those years.

I am thinking about his wife today, who without me even even knowing it, was mothering all of us by letting us gather there every day for so long. I am thinking about Jer, my friend who I love who lost his dad. My heart is feeling his hurt today. I am frantic when I think that those important people will gather this week to be there for Jer, and I will not be able to be there.

I hope he feels my love and prayers. I hope he knows that I am forever grateful for his friendship. I hope he feels my hugs in all the hugs he gets in the next few days. I hope his wife Marie knows that I love her too, and all their beautiful children. I am feeling their loss, and I love them.

I think that my soul is like a tree. My life and my actions are the visble trunk and branches and leaves of that tree. The roots are my belifes and my background that nourish and are the cause of how my visible tree grows and flowers. When my grandma died I felt one of the roots of my soul tremble as a fundamental peson in my development left this earth. Today I feel a little bit like that again.

James Stewart probably didn't even know how much his house and his son would be an anchor in my soul. I would dare say, an anchor in many peoples souls. I love him for that, and I love his family. I am thinking about you Stewart Family.

You are a root of my tree.

I love Martin Luther King Day

2010-01-18T12:15:00.003-06:00

" You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive...

With this faith, we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith, we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith, we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day."

That is my favorite quote from Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Justino and I found it together on day in Ciudad Juarez, a city that truly made us vertrans of creative suffering. It is a horrible place. As we sat on the bed with filth and danger enclosing in on our little family, we read aloud the legacy of truth that Dr. King left us with his immortal ' I have a dream' speech. We dreamed that day, of being freed. Free to go home. Free to choose what country we live in. Free to decide which is the best place is to raise of our kids. Free to be home for the holidays. Free to visit grandparents on Sunday afternoon. Free of the bondage of the of having to choose between my county and my spouse. Free to CHOOSE for ourselves what our future holds. Free of the unearned suffering that the unearned punishment has placed on our shoulders.

His words changed my heart that day,

For one reason, I think...

He spoke solid truth, and truth applies to everyone regardless of their place in life. No matter what affliction we carry truth can deliver us. That was his message.

"But there is something that I must say to my people, who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice: In the process of gaining our rightful place, we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred. We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. Again and again, we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force."

Aren't we all opressed sometimes about something? Don't we all have some problem we want to be freed from? I recognize that I am not opressed like my black brothers and sister were all those years ago.

But all the same, everbody hurts sometimes.

And whatever the struggle the answer is the same.

"We cannot walk alone.
And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead.
We cannot turn back."

He was a man of God. He knew where the strenghth and the deliverance was coming from.

I am happy to say that our unearned suffering has been redemptive. It has strenghthned us. It has enriched our perscetives. It has sealed us together as a family. It has made us grateful to be together. It has given Justino the oportunity to prove to himself that he can conquer the opression and poverty of his youth and his country, becaue he has found sucess in Mexico. It has taught me about him, and myself, and what is really important. It has taught me more and more who my God is, and that he loves me, and all of us.

"I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, and every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight; "and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together"

Happy Birthday Martin Luther King Jr.

Home

2010-01-13T09:00:00.004-06:00

Today I am thinking about the word HOME. Yesterday I was doing my 'fold laundry watch Oprah routine' and her Australian Life Organization Guru was doing some overhaul on some family. ( Is his name Peter Walsh?) Anyway... He was talking about how our homes being an extension of ourselves and when there is clutter and disorder it creates an imbalance in our families and in our souls. So I got to thinking.

When we got to Martinez our apartment was a cement box with a bare mattress, one roll of toilet paper, a bar of soap, and a rose bush. I was in shock. And as I went about trying to furnish the home without making any real investment, because we were sure that we were leaving. I outlined in my mind that a home is a shelter where your basic needs can be met. It became clear quickly that the definition of " basic needs" was not so clear, and another question that I have yet to really answer arose. What is necessity and what is luxury?

Here are some things that I have learned are nice but not necessary. Hot water, washer and dryer, dishwasher ( I still don't have one) climate control, dressers, tvs, couches.... the list goes on.

On the other hand, a bed for everybody in the family, a refrigerator a stove, a toilet that flushes, and a place to bathe are not optional.

Of course as economics allow the definition of shelter expands and luxury becomes necessity. And I say great, if that becomes a possibility. But I have noticed as I get more stuff, I get more stressed and there is more to clean and maintain. I love to watch Home Makeover with crazy haired Ty Pennington. I cry every time I watch him build some beautiful monster house for a woman with five autistic children. I can't help it. But there is a little place within my mother scope that feels bad for the woman who has to keep that whole house up and pay all those utilities. I always hope that since they usually pay off the mortgage, she can afford to get a housekeeper, but still...

Ty's whole premise to the show is to build a home that meets the emotional as well as the physical needs of the family. And how graphic it is to me that our homes really should do that. Oprah's Australian was telling the woman yesterday that if there is laundry all over the house it creates tension and imbalance that translates to the relationships in the home. Do you think that is true? I don't know if I quite believe that, but I do believe that there are some principles that do correlate.

My mother always said, "A place for everything and everything in it's place" I think that what we have and store should have a place not only in our homes but in our lives. It must serve some purpose. Further more I think that same saying is true of our emotional selves. If our emotions don't serve us they should be dealt with and then let go so as not to clutter our souls. negative emotion is like crap in our house that serves no purpose, as time goes on it truly burdens us.

The most important basic need we have as human beings is to love and be loved. Our homes should be refuges of love for ourselves and our children. The infrastructure of manners and respect and connection that can't be seen in our homes, is surely felt and has longer lasting effects than anything temporal. The absence of hot water or modern conveniences may make for a harder life, but over time will build character. However if love lacks character is not built but broken down. What an overwhelming sense of responsibility I feel as the heart of my home to make sure it is filled with love and learning life lessons.

So what is the moral of the story, I don't know. But I think it has something to do with me needing to get off the computer to fill my four walls with loveliness and order so that when my chickens come home they will be ever blessed for living in this humble abode.

By the way, the photo is of my kitchen. I have been promising photos of my house since we moved in, sorry this is a little dark. More to come.. I'm serious this time.

PRINCESS: redefining the word

2010-01-06T09:41:00.002-06:00

Here is Eva with her princess dress that she got for Christmas. She put in on right after this photo was taken and didn't take it off all Christmas Day.

What is it about little girls and princesses? Before I was a mom to a little girl I thought being a princess was dispicable. It came with the conotation of being spoiled and bratty and entitled. Also a lot of pink, which I am also had to come to terms with after having a daughter.

Because of my former thoughts on being a princess, I obviously did not IN ANY WAY encourage Eva so assosicate or play with anything princess at all. But some how she loves princesses, and being a princess and talking about marrying her prince Gavin ( which happens to be her cousin, which is only funny because she is three)

I am beginning to think that little girls and just born with this princess tendancy and when the slightest suggestion of anything of the sort is presented they latch on, and don't give up until somewhere along the way they are socialized in a different direction.

But a friend of mine, who shares my disdain for the title, pointed out to me that not all princesses are created equal. Some really are spoiled and entitled, like Little Mermaid. Disobeys her dad, and runs away for some guy and in the end that was somehow the right choice. Not so much the role model I want to send out to eva. Mulan or Belle on the other hand, might be ok. They stand up for what they believe in, make sacrifices for their familes and country. They are tough princesses who have moral fiber. These are some chicas I can get on board with.

And then there is my Eva. She really is a princess when you think about it. She is so pure and so innocent, and of course beautiful. She is needs to know that she is special and chosen. Because she is. We all are. We are all God's Children.

But I say lets teach little girls what it really means to be a princess. Responsible to others, Service giving, Moral and Honest, and ultimately in training to be Queens. Perhaps Eva will not lead a nation, but she will, most likely lead a family. And the longer I am married I am learing just how much leadership the Queen really needs to have.

Christmas Letter

2009-12-26T17:47:00.000-06:00

December 26 2009
Merry Christmas
( one day late)

This year has been a great year for us. We have been on a journey. Justino and I reflected on the drastic differences in our lives in Mexico now, and three years ago when we arrived.
Something that L. Whitney Clayton said in October Conference 2009 really stuck out to me. He said
Alma and his people “did pour out their hearts to [God]; and he did know the thoughts of their hearts.” Because of their goodness and their obedience to their baptismal covenants,they were delivered in stages.

I feel that we are being delievered in stages. We prayed to be able to be back in the states, but it is not yet his will. However, We have been blessed with a steady job for Justino. We have a car. We were able to buy a little house in July that we love. I have a washer and a dryer. We love our ward. Eva and Sam have started school to learn spanish and their teacher is truly an instrument in the Lords hands for their developement and happininess. We live in a tropical paradise where thosands of people travel from all over the world to visit. We have it’s beauty right at our finger tips. We have enjoyed lots of visits from friends and family and we love having company. Thanks to friends who have visited we have been invited to beautiful resorts and had many fabulous experiences.

We have been abundantly blessed and we are grateful.

We love you and hope your holidays were bright.

p.s. The photo was taken at a villa in Puerto Morelos, where we were invited by Justino's boss to spend Thanksgiving.

IT's not just me

2009-12-07T10:30:00.000-06:00

Appartently Sammy didn't inherit his syrup drinking skills just from his brownie batter eating mother. As is shown here, his father is known to drink his spicy chili sauce straight from the bottle. The kid didn't stand a chance.

Brownie Mix for Breakfast

2009-11-13T08:58:00.000-06:00

So in light of some Mexican Holiday that is Monday, Eva had a party at school today. I didn't remember that I was supposed to send treats, so I came home and promptly made brownies. Which just goes to show that buying a brownie mix with no specific purpose in mind, is NOT frivolous spending like I thought at the time, because you never know when it is going to be some Mexican Holiday and then have to send treats to school.

Come to find out, raw brownie batter is GOOD. So good in fact that I think I ate somewhere between 5-9 spoonfuls for breakfast this morning. I have a little chocolate buzz, and a slight stomach ache and a probing question in my mind. What kind of a person eats straight brownie mix for breakfast? Should I be alarmed?

Here is my Sammy. He doesn't eat brownie batter for breakfast. He gets naked and drinks straight syrup. Just goes to show the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Yellow Of Course

2009-11-11T10:51:00.000-06:00

Once upon a time there was a house,. And we bought it. And this was it...

BEFORE

ANd then one day Justino decided to paint it Yellow

And I didn't care if he did or if he didn't, because I liked the white, but said ok. After all, yellow happens to be the most beautiful color in the whole world.

But as he went, I realized what an amazing oversight I had made for not demanding the house be yellow to start with. I mean LOOK at that color. How could I have departed so far from my very soul as to not realize that no other color would do. Lucky for me, Justino had the idea to paint it.

We let Eva help, but she painted with water.

( note the original colorm,it was PEACH before it was white, gag me)

And even though it's not all the way done, it will be someday, and in the mean time

We lived happily ever after.

Hurricane Ida

2009-11-09T14:02:00.000-06:00

This was me Saturday morning when it was raining BUCKETS, I had 12 loads of laundry to take to the laudramat to to be dried, my roof was leaking and my righteous husband had left his wife and small children in a hurricane to attend the temple.

Luckily a few angels showed up to get on the roof and bail water off my roof until it was no longer a swimming pool, and to open up the blocked drain pipe causing the back up.

Some trees went down

and the streets were rivers.

But overall it didn't feel much like a hurricane at all.
More like a really long, very rainy day

HOW HIGH CAN YOU STACK YOUR DISHES?

2009-11-05T10:45:00.000-06:00

Just when I was beginning to think that I had no talent at allI did this.

Happy Halloween

2009-10-31T15:50:00.000-05:00

Welcome

2009-10-28T21:57:00.000-05:00

For those of you who know me I am a total cry baby. And lately I have been seriously worried about it, because it seems to be getting worse. I cry everyday. I watched the end of Mulan with Eva the other day and bawled my eyes out. I have seen it 7,543 times! I can't comment AT ALL in any church meeting without crying. Even if I don't feel that emotional about what I am saying. I told Justino, maybe it is nerves to speak in spanish. Could be. Although I doubt it because I have commented in spanish in church for ten years now.

Today is no exception.

I have been bawling since I heard that the picture I have posted here would FINALLY be able to be taken. It is my old friend/missionary companion, Lisa, her husband Felix and their new daughter Paola. Since I met Lisa ten years ago she wanted children. She has always wanted children. It seems that god always gives us what we don't want, and so is the case with Lisa. She didn't want years of marriage before starting a family, but god gave her seven. She woke up this morning and went to work never dreming that she would get the message today that today her family would grow from two to three.

When I heard about I couldn't stop bawling. Today was a big day for Paola, she met the parents that will love her forever and she also turned two. We went over there for cake. She was serious mostly, and the neglect that she has suffered until now is evident. But as the evening progressed she smiled and lauged. I wept on the way home thinking about how she has suffered. Then I wept thinking about how that suffering is over, because she has found her home, and the ONLY thing they want to do is love the hurt right out of her little heart. They will, I know they will.

I cried when I told Justino that Paola needs them and that they need Paola. We laughed and I cried as we said that we know that this new addition to their family will not make their lives easier but it will make their lives richer and more full of joy. Then I cried thinking of my own pups and how hard and rich and full they make my life.

It is not uncommon for me to say that I am going to sell my kids to the gypsies because I don't really like them that much anyway, but looking at a little girl who really has lived in a home where they really did want to give her away, I was humbled. Then cried because I love my kids.

So here I am just crying and crying for cartoons and good news and everything in between. And today as I was stressing about how silly I feel for being such a titty mouse ( as in cry baby titty mouse) I had two thoughts that made me think maybe it was ok. First I had a flash of my aunt jolene, who cries about everyting also. I have watched her in any given conversations well up, and then simply state, " it makes me cry". Something about that made me feel like it was ok for me to be that way too. And the second thing was a scripture, particulary the way the scripture reads in spanish.

In english it says that we should " mourn with those mourn" but in spanish it says we should "cry with those who cry" That is so me. No one in my presense will ever be crying alone, or for that matter no one will ever be in even a situation that merits tears without me getting on the water works bandwagon to support them. I am going to remember that next time I feel embarrased because I can't keep my voice from cracking. I think I will also try wearing sunglasses more often so that my eyes won't look so red.

But tonight I am not even ashamed that I that I cried... ok that I am currently crying big fat tears for Paola, and Lisa and Felix who have just formed a beautiful family. I wish them the very best. These tears are a long time coming and for that I say to them and to Paola

WELCOME

Happy Birthday Grandma

2009-10-17T20:56:00.000-05:00

Beauty

2009-10-15T11:07:00.000-05:00

Why? you may ask, do I have a WALMART bag on my head?

I am bleaching my hair. I started bleaching my hair when I was 12. I have done it religiously since then, ( except for a small red head phase I had in my early twenties) BUT I haven't done it once, since I moved to canucn, which will be a year next month. The very dark roots that I have been sporting since I got here, have stood as very visible evidence that I have let beauty slip away from my life.

Not just my own physical beauty, but the beauty all around me. My children are beautiful, the nature here is beautiful, but I have not invited that beauty into my life. My soul has become a vessel of survial. Instead of thriving and growing and blooming, it has only allowed enough light in to merely exsist.

It is time for a change people!! Let the light shine in!! Today I didn't want to fold laundry AGAIN, or do the dishes. So instead I made beautiful wheat bread, and pulled my hair through this lovely plastic cap, and waited for the great change that this peroxide will bring.

Unfortunately, it didn't happen. I knew something was wrong, and yet I just kept hoping it wasn't, but alas.... an hour later, still only slightly faded and hair that was beginning to turn to mush. I hurried to a nearby salon with serious BO and sammy in tote with poopy pants on, and frightened my friend Norma who rinsed and reapplied new solution. Who knew a year in cancun heat could kill the potency of bleach. I should of, it has weakened my potency a time or two, but whatever.

The end result was not only a new color but a new cut. I am glad I did it. Here is me trying to get my sass back. What do you think? Is it working?

WOW

2009-10-08T15:19:00.000-05:00

Today I found out about a lady who changed my whole day. Lifted away my lazy, and gave me so much hope. Thanks for that, her blog is
http://nieniedialogues.blogspot.com/

LAZY

2009-10-06T20:33:00.001-05:00

Well as you have noticed I have been highly unmotivated to blog, just like everything eles in my life. I have been in a super rut. Sometimes ruts are sad, or angry or just because life is so the same the same, but i think I am just feeling lazy. I don't know. The mexicans have a word for it, they call it "flojera" I don't know an exact translation for it, but it stems from the word floja, that means lazy. The thing that kills me about it, is that Mexicans use it and it is widely accepted as a completely viable reason for not doing something. They say something like, " I was going to ( insert some imortant task here) but, me dio flojera, I didn't feel like it." I guess I am just from a culture where lazy is frowned upon, so it seems shameful to say it out loud. Gotta love these Mexicans.

But then again as I write that, I don't think I have ever met a lazy mexican. They actually work crazy harder than any people I have ever met. Like the women on my street actually move ALL their furniture outside to mop the floor, several times a week! Perhaps they have struck some balance I still don't get.

In the mean time, Tengo Flojera, I just don't feel like doing anything, and I guess since I am in Mexico I can say that, and it's ok.

Uplift

2009-08-23T12:05:00.000-05:00

This morning I went to the dedication of the Utah, Oquirrh Mountain Temple. When a new temple is dedicated in my church the President of the Church is present and it is a special historical occasion. Honestly, I didn't want to go. Normal church services were suspended today so that members could attend the dedication. I, quite frankly, thought it the perfect opportunity to skip church, and relax. My mother talked me into going and I am really glad she did.

As I mentioned in my last post this trip has been wrought with culture shock. I have simply felt terribly out of place. Last night I was sad as I came home from the Gateway Mall, because as I browsed through the mall there were so many things I wanted and even needed that I could never afford. We went to the grocery store again after the mall, and I actually wept when I saw a Dora back pack for Eva that I wanted her to have, and could not afford. Through out this trip I have walked through many stores, and many homes of friends, and city parks, and the city rec center, and although I have enjoyed it all so much, I feel like I don't belong because nothing so luxurious is any part of my reality.

My mom said to me last night that God has placed me in Mexico to provide character building experiences for me and my children. Experiences that were prevalent in Justin's upbringing, that we might be a stronger family, and more grateful for the luxury if we ever we ever get to come back. I know she is right. On my birthday earlier this month, I asked Justino if he would go back in time and change the past if he could. If given the opportunity, would he want to go back and lie in the interview. That is all it would have taken, and we would have been headed back together instead of suddenly split between countries. He couldn't say that he would change it. It has been so painful so many times and so difficult all the time, but we can see how it has united us, and deepened our love and dedication to each other. He is a better man and father for having gone through this. I hope that the same is true of me.

Despite recognizing the good that has come from this journey, I have mourned often, again on this trip, for what I imagine we have lost. Much of which is convenience and ease and money and things. All of which I know are of lesser importance than family and gratitude but as the days pass and life feels so daily, I want to be grateful for a furnished home in Davis county with a washer AND a dryer, and perfectly regulated climate control, and clean water, and carpet and grass for Sammy to play on. I am grateful for my house in Cancun, and the fact that it is leaps and bounds beyond what I ever dreamed of having in Mexico, but still exists from time to time a divide in my heart between my gratitude for what the life I live and things I have, and a sense of loss for what I know I would had and the life I feel like I was entitled to.

I know that God has heard my thoughts because today he extended a message of mercy especially for me through through the talks in the temple dedication. All the talks touched me on a personal level, but the words of Pres. Dieter Uchdorf, a counselor to President Monson from Germany, came directly from God through him to me. Sometimes I feel the presence of God as a mighty power, strong enough to control the elements and create the universe. Today I felt a more tender side of God, as my Father who came to speak, through Pres. Uchdorf, to the troubled parts of his daughter's heart.

Pres. Uchdorf started about the beauty of the planet earth, and about how he has traveled and seen much of this diverse earth, and how each place has it's own unique beauty. He said that Utah is no exception and how this place has rich natural beauty and rich pioneer heritage. He expressed that despite that fact that he is from Germany and none of his family crossed the plains with the early members of the church he claimed that ancestry as his own. He said that they marched across this country " blazing a trail to Zion" Zion has much meaning to me. It was the word that the pioneers used to describe the place where they could worship in peace. They found Zion in Salt Lake City, Utah. My home. Many times as I have read the scriptures and read promises that were given to them about finding Zion and returning to Zion, I have claimed them as my own, and in my own heart I have believed that God would one day send me home to "Zion", in other word Salt Lake City.

I felt overwhelmed that I am also blazing my own trail to Zion, just as my own ancestors did. Then just as I was so grateful for the message, it became more personal to me as Pres. Uchdorf related a story of one of my own ancestors Sanford Bingham. He told of his long journey to Zion, his travels, and his trials and his triumphs. I felt connected to my very own ancestors, and i felt strengthened to continue on my own journey as Sanford did.

As I left feeling so uplifted, I thought about the spiritual uplift that is often available to me that I don't take advantage of. I was reminded today that I know that there is a God in Heaven who is powerful enough to move the tides and make the rain and also personal enough to know what I need to hear and feel to receive the strength to keep going on my own journey. I left renewed to seek that uplift more often, and grateful for the place that i am in my own life. It is just where I should be, and I am excited to keep forging ahead.

Culture Shock

2009-08-18T12:05:00.000-05:00

Many have asked to see pics of the new house and they are upcoming I promise. I will have to delay them for the time being because I have traveled to Utah for a visit. I will be going back to Cancun at the end of the month, and then I post pictures.

I was surprised by this trip, I didn't know it was coming. My family, mostly my mother, engineered the tickets and called me on a Sunday and told me I was leaving on a Wednesday. It was an exciting surprise.

I have been surprised at how I have felt this time. I have been back to the states several times since this Mexican adventure started, but this time has been distinct. I think it is because we have truly settled in Mexico and I have accepted Cancun as my home for now. I have started doing real daily life in Mexico. Before I was completely in survival mode and all I could think about was when we would come home. Now for almost a year I have done very "normal" life in Mexico. That adjustment in my perspective has resulted in a very different experience in the states this time.

Last night I went to the Cheesecake factory and walking in the door literally took my breath away. It was so ornate inside and i just stared feeling like I was entering into a world that was so very far away from my own reality. The food was to die for, by the way, and i had a great time, but I felt like a little girl in a magical land I had never visited before. Which is silly, when you think about it, because I most certainly have visited such places for the majority of my life, but I feel changed forever.

I went to the grocery store and on every isle and in every section there was some delicacy that i wanted to take home with me. Asparagus in the produce section, (only once have I bought decent asparagus in Cancun) and Utah corn. There is no better corn in all the world than Utah corn. There was just so many things, cereals, and treats and prices. Things are SO cheap here. Did I mention the TREATS, krispy kremes doughnut holes, and hostess cupcakes, and Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, and all manner of delightful fatty goodness that is simply not part of the grocery inventory in Mexico. sure they have all kinds of imitation crap that is not worth the peso or the calories. It is just not the same. This is truly the land of plenty, and then plenty more again.

There are small things about daily life that are still amazing to me. Like turning on the tap water in the kitchen and taking a drink. I think that almost every time I have gone to the bath room here, I wipe and then pull the paper out to throw it in some waste basket and marvel that I can flush it. The roads are so wide and so smooth. The city is so organized and clean. There are free libraries and affordable zoos, and county fairs, and EVERYBODY drives according to traffic laws. It is just so orderly, and clean, and LUSH. This is the land of luxury, convenience and ease. Oh so easy.

I mean I always knew exactly how it is to live here. I am from here, but I just forgot, and it feels so surreal to remember.

STUFF

2009-07-20T19:44:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I have SO much stuff. Where does it all come from? Let's review

I arrive in Veracruz with two suitcases and I found an apartment that had a roll of toilet paper, a bar of soap, a mattress, but no bedding, and a rose bush. We left one year and a few months later, and had a few things, but not really much to speak of.

I got to Cancun, nine months ago. This time with 7 suitcases. ( more luggage allowance with Eva paying for a ticket) Again we arrived to an empty house. A bed for everybody, this time Justino had sheets for us, and few plates and a fridge. Now I am packing and I can't believe what we have accumulated.

I really can't believe it, when I think of what we have paid for. Almost none of it. Thanks to my amazing mother, she has sent 12, yes 12 additional suitcases of things since we have been here. She scouts Davis county for folks coming to Cancun for a week and maxes out there luggage allowance, and 12 suitcases later, I have a vacmun and a cuisarnat, and a fully staffed kitchen, and toys and books, and everything I can think of. And a solid 95% of what she has sent has been either things that were mine that I left behind or cast off's from somebody. I am stunned at the abundance that is the United States of America. I am stunned at the excess of things that we can accumulate.

The really funny part is that although I feel like we have WAY more than we ever have since we have been here, I have only a fraction of what I carted around as essentials when I was living in the states. So interesting.

Stuff. Things. It's everywhere.

We are moving in the morning! YEAH!!!!

NEW HOUSE

2009-07-16T10:12:00.000-05:00

I should be packing boxes or organizing drawers or something productive. Instead I am rationalizing that the washer is running, so I AM getting something done, and I am sitting to blog instead.

I have crossed another line in my heart. We are buying our first home in Mexico. We are settling right down here. For so long I anticipated returning to the states any minute, and instead We are buying a house here and laying down some roots. I feel really good about it. My peaceful heart is evidence that I have traveled through much territory in my own soul. Here we go.

Mexican life has become comfortable for us. Eva is becoming super bilingual. She loves her school, and her friends on our street. Sam is about to walk. He is standing up by himself and so proud of it whenever he does it. He is a happy boy. We are a happy family. Living a peaceful exsistence that we never expected.

Our sights still gaze toward the north, and someday we will go back, but in the mean time we are celebrating what will soon be our very own house in Mexico.

Directions

2009-05-23T02:31:00.000-05:00

Today I wanted to make a chart for Eva's morning and evening jobs. It occured to me that I wanted to go to Papeleria Cancun. It is the biggest paper store in Cancun, or at least everybody talks like it is. So I get in the car having NO idea where this blessed paper haven is. That is just how you do things here, start moving and ask along the way. So I stopped the first girl I met at the top of the street. I didn't know her, but I asked her, " where is papeleria cancun?" Her exact words were ( for my spanish speaking readers) " el ADO, alli casi en frente, hay un extra y una calle que va asi. Alli esta. Translation, "the ADO, almost in front. There is an Extra ( a convient store ) and a road that goes like this." She then made a gesture with her hand like a curve. Kinda vague. But I did know how to get to ADO, so I drove there. I didn't head right where I had pictured because I didn't get in the correct lane soon enough around a busy turn around along the way, and had to back track. As I did, I asked a few taxi drivers who told me almost verbatim the same thing as the first senorita, and so I went to where I pictured "in front of ADO" although it wasn't actually in front of the front of the building, if you know what I mean. but sure enough I saw an extra and a little road that ran next to it, that curved somewhat, and so I turned, and I found the pie in the sky paper store/ art supply store/office supply all complete with the latest models of the good old virgin maria. I mean the place really did have everything. So much so that I walked around for like an hour, carrying my fat ton son, no less,and I bought some stuff and made some charts.

As I was triumphantly driving home, feeling proud of myself for having found my goal. I thought, Life is alot like getting directions from a mexican. Mostly you don't know exactly where you are going. The directions to the goal are not exact, but are clear enough, if you follow your intuition and ask a few folks along the way, even if you have to back track a bit, you will find your destination. Trick is just realax and keep your mind and heart open, and on the goal.

Happy Mother's Day

2009-05-10T20:39:00.000-05:00

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY

2009-05-10T10:21:00.000-05:00

Swine Flu

2009-05-05T14:34:00.001-05:00

I am horrified to report that we are suffering from the swine flu here in Mexico. Our most problematic symptom is boredom. Eva has been out of school for over a week and isn't going back until next Monday. Church was also canceled under a decree of the Mexican government. We have also experienced irritation due to the over reactive warnings about not leaving our houses, and avoiding public places, and wearing masks that will have absolutely no bearing on our health. Our ears hurt from the wild exaggerations that we constantly hear on TV, our eyes hurt from the millions of emails and Internet reports we are receiving daily, and our hearts hurt that we live in a world where public leaders would promote such panic in order to turn our focus from the drug related killings in Juarez, the economic crisis, and the severely overdue need for immigration reform. What a problem this flu has created. too bad it is imaginary.

Please let me specify. I do believe that swine flu exists. But I don't believe that it is any more deadly than any other flu, and I truly believe we are being snowed about the gravity of the situation. Lets all continue to have common sense and get on with our lives, and stop living like a bunch of sheep that are being herded down the trails that our irresponsible leaders would have us wander.

Check out this email I got

2009-05-05T13:59:00.001-05:00

This is an email that was forwarded to me:

I guess they already finished their English homework!!! Montebello High School in CaliforniaYou will not see this heart-stopping photo on the front page of the NY Times, nor on the lead story of the major news networks.The protestors at Montebello High School took the American flag off the school's flag pole and hung it upside down while putting up the Mexican flag over it. (*See pictures below*)I predict this stunt will be the nail in the coffin of any guest-worker/amnesty plan on the table in Washington ... The image of the American flag subsumed to another and turned upside down on American soil is already spreading on Internet forums and via e-mail.Pass this along to every American citizen in your address books and to every representative in the state and federal government.. If you choose to remain uninvolved, do not be amazed when you no longer have a nation to call your own nor anything you have worked for left since it will be 'redistributed' to the activists while you are so peacefully staying out of the 'fray'. Check history, it is full of nations/empires that disappeared when its citizens no longer held their core beliefs and values. One person CAN make a difference.One plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one........ ...The battle for our secure borders and immigration laws that actually mean something, however, hasn't even begun.If this ticks YOU off...PASS IT ON!IF IT DOESN'T IT SHOULD

Someone sent it to me and asked me what I thought about it. I was somewhat taken back, but this was my response...

I don't know what to think about this....

I agree that the government better get off their duffs and do something about immigration, but what do they think is going to happen? Are they worried a bunch of illegals are going to take over the country? Please. I think people need to open theirs eyes to the fact their government is starting rumors about swine flu to get our country full of sheepish followers to wash their hands and close their eyes to the fact that the leaders of our nation would rather leave inadequate laws in force that promote incompetency and dishonesty, instead of fixing what needs to be fixed. Those kids are putting the flag upside down because that flag represents the decency and freedom that our founding fathers based our great country on, and sadly all those principles ARE GONE. Especially when it comes to immigration, because as it stands, freedom is being taken away. my life is case in point. ANd those Mexican kids face the reality of separated families, and weakened futures because our leaders are no longer the great men and women that started this country, they are a bunch of selfish , power hungry political jack asses who can't see past the bureaucratic bullshit to truly understand what is REALLY going on in the lives of the citizens over whom they govern. Their lack of principles hurt the lives of the Americans not to mention the lives of the Mexicans that they turned their heads to while they crossed the border so they could exploit their work ethic and use them to boost American economy while screwing them by keeping them in the illegal shadows of the system. This email represents the ignorance of the American people because they don't learn and understand the issues. This email may seem so patriotic, but really it is frightening. When people choose not to deeply, truly understand, they allow the corrupt leaders, a fore mentioned, to keep doing their political damaging dance. People need to get involved, research and understand, and then get off the Internet and VOTE. Where are we headed? Those Mexican kids feel the oppression of our poorly governed country every day, and they are saying something about it. I wish the rich white kids would get off the computers and look outside their posh little lives long enough to understand the issues at hand, and then have the courage and the decency to vote and be involved in what they believe in. If not then they are worse than the kids who fly the flag upside down.

I guess I do know what I think about this.

Deeps thoughts from the Laundry

2009-03-31T15:43:00.000-05:00

Today I was folding clothes and watching Oprah (yes thank to good old American Network on cable I watch Oprah and Ellen for that matter) Anyway so Oprah was interviewing these FLDS members in this ranch called Return to Zion or something like that. A polygamist situation, one dad, three moms, and nine kids. Funny long prarie dresses, poofy bangs and braids, at first glance these folks are FREAKS. Polgamy makes me want to vomit when I really think about it, and I can't imagine living so secluded and different than the rest of the world.

But as Oprah interviewed the wives and the husband and the kids, and the teens that live on the ranch, all of them expressed things I could relate to... Like loving their kids, like working hard every day to find simplicity and progression, overcoming weaknesses of the flesh, submission to God's plan for their lives, all things I think about every day. They talked about how horrible it was when their ranch was raided and the kids were taken from their moms. One mother said that she knew the raid was coming and got up and packed each of her children a bag with their clothes with their name on it. SHe said she knew they would be separated. She handed each one their bag kissed them and told them to be sweet and to say their prayers that God would bring them home to her. She said that she handed her baby to her olderst son and told him to take care of his brother, and that was the moment that she wept. My heart broke thinking of that moment.

As I watched I started to wonder if we are too quick to judge livestlyes that we don't understand. All of those interviewed expressed that they are happy living as they do, and choose the lifestyle that they have. Oprah asked the hard questions about marriage and sexual abuse of minors, and the obvious conflicts of polygamy. The anwsers seemed to make sense for those interviewed. Oprah finished her show by saying that inside the ranch she saw well mannered children, happy women, and provident living and then stated that she hoped that there wasn't more going on that the cameras didn't capture. I guess therein lies the real issue. If it is as good for them as they say it is, then I say to each his own. I can't fathom that lifestyle, but lots of people can't fathom mine.

Today I have been thinking about where the line is between necessary judement and interveintion , and where we need to let it be. Such a hard call really. I don't really have any anwsers, but I guess it just renewed to me that life is so not black and white, and it is those gray areas that are just tough to define. Hmmm..... Just made me stop and think.

We still believe in miracles

2009-03-17T22:05:00.000-05:00

SO the subtitle of this blog is " We believe in Miracles". When I wrote that originally on this blog I still believed that we would be granted the visa and back in the states shortly, and really if I was being honest at the time I would have written, "We believe ONLY in the miracle of a visa and our return to the states, any other miracle is not in our agenda" Today that is no longer true, we believe in all miracles and I am happy to report that we have recently experienced one.

This miracle has been coming over the past few weeks but has solidified in the past few days. About two weeks ago I found the answer to a spiritual quandary that has been an irritant since we were denied the visa. That in itself could take up several blogs, but the short of it is that I received my answer and it has been so healing that I feel like have lost 500 lbs and I am not the same person. I find myself happy to take care of kids, instead of resentful and tired. I have more energy and I feel so light hearted. I haven't felt light hearted since Feb 7, 2007. It has been so refreshing.

Coupled with a spiritual cleansing, Justino got a promotion and a raise and work, and I got offered a job to teach piano at a music school that is within walking distance of my house. I am loving my house and feeling that it is not only adequate, but cute all at the same time. For the first time in Mexico I have hope that all my needs could be met in this country. I am finding such peace and happiness here.

There is still a small twang of pain when I think about our choice to go back being taken away. I cried in church on Sunday when a member of my ward in Utah surprised me by being at church here. He asked me if there was anything he could do for me before his vacation ended, and I told him to go back to Utah and hug my mother. He rang her doorbell last night and did it for me. Something about seeing him here and it being such a reminder of life lost there, felt a little like picking off a scab. But I have identified that the hurt isn't being in Mexico, it is the ridiculousness of my "free" government putting me in a position where I have to choose between my country or my husband. Because frankly, when I think about it today, I think even with a visa, I would choose Mexico to be my home. And that my friends, considering all that has transpired, is nothing short of a miracle.

Living the Dream

2009-02-18T10:49:00.000-06:00

So my mother has been visiting. That has been a dream in itself. Sam wakes up at 5am, and she is up anyway, so I go back to bed. She tended the kids last Saturday for 20 hours while we took the long journey to Merida to go to the temple. She doens't stop cleaning my house or baking or sewing or something all the time. She fixed my broken couch and Eva's broken bed. Mostly it is so fun to be with her and hang out with her, and not be so lonely all day. It has been so nice. Anyway....

So last night we went to see some members of our church, Romina and Gonzalo, do this music and Tango show at a local resteraunt. They are from Argentina and they are seriously living the dream. They love music and dance and they came here to make a living doing what they love. They are very talented, Romina's voice sounds like velvet reeses peanut butter cups, only yummier. WOW, she is so good. Gonzalo plays the guitar while she sings, and then they dance the tango, this slow passionate beautiful dance. Movement that is truly captivating. I sat there thinking, that I don't do what I love anymore.

I never play the piano. Just for the record Hymns in church do not count as playing the piano, even though I do that every week. I miss having that spiritual and emotional connection to a masterpiece of music and feeling like I have experienced the emotions the composer felt when the masterpiece was created. I loved wondering what life experiences generated those emotions for Beethoven, or Chopin or Debussy. Music is magic because even though the afore mentioned masters lived in different times and different parts of the world, they felt the same feelings that you and I feel, only they had the incredible talent to capture that emotion in a musical snapshoy, that is as vivid hundreds of years later as it was when it was just brand new.

My music was a conquest, something I could dominate and work hard to achieve. I was so good at it. I don't do anything I am good at anymore. I am not good at crocheting, even though I have tried doing that lately. I am not good at scarf making, another pass time of late. I am not a good mother, or a good wife. I am not dedicated to really anything. I just get through the days. I decided last night that such complacency is simply unaceptable. I have got to learn to love what I do, and also do what I love. I am in charge of my own reality, and if I make it empty and meaningless well then what do I expect?

What Martinez Taught me About Today

2009-02-06T22:34:00.000-06:00

We lived in Martinez de la Torre for the first hard horrible year we were in Mexico. Funny how much I miss it. I commented to my friend today, that I miss it. I miss the people and the church memebers, and how much we served there. I miss the priceless friendships that we made there. I miss the real quality of the people. Funny how people change when you mix humanity with just a little bit of money. Poverty is a reality to almost everyone in Martinez, even those who didn't live it directly, felt it, or at least saw it enough to keep it real. When pretense is gone, people can just be people. Humans who all feel, and love and long, and dream.

Tonight we came home and there was a message on the messanger I left open from one of the youth from our church, Gloria. She told us that Marta Franyutti died today. Marta was out neighbor. She was like four feet tall, and she looked older than my mother, but was really way younger. She was a worker. Her husband has epilepsy and couldn't work. She limped and had a heart condition but she cooked chiles rellenos and sold them, and raw chicken, and whatever she could think of. She dreamed of owning her own Panederia, a bread shop. She was a baker and she loved to make breads and cakes. She came and rubbed me with some icy hot crap when I hurt my back. One day I lost the church keys, and I knew Justino was going to kill me. She lived right next door so I ran to her house to see if she had a flashlight so that I could look in the truck. She took me by the hand and pulled me to my knees and prayed the most sincere prayer that she could help me find my keys. She found them. It was her faith that night, not mine, that rose that prayer to heaven. Justino used to stand up in church every week and ask the members to be on time for the services. He told them every Sunday that chuch started at 11 sharp, not 11:15, not 11:30, not 12 or 12:30. We would start every Sunday with just Marta in the audience. SHe was never late. As the service would move on the 50 other attending members would trickle in. Not Marta, she was right on time, every single week.
One time at a Relife Society meeting she sang, with no accompianment at the top of her raspy almost masculine voice, off key. She told me later how grateful she was that God have her the talent to sing. I didn't have the heart to tell her that he didn't give her that talent. She was always singing. She was grateful for life. She thanked God for one more day of life every time I ever heard her pray, and she meant it. I remember thinking once when I heard her say that, What is the big deal with one more day of this torture. Life felt like that to me, often when I lived in Martinez, but Marta had figured it out. She had learned that it wasn't about having everything, it was just about having enough. She taught me a lot about what enough really is. I have thought alot about the difference between a want and a need. There is a gray area there that I can't always define, but Marta got it.

We called our friend Frank tonight to get the details, and he told us about all the other awful things that are happening there right now. How Jimena the four year old daughter of out stake president has a tumor on her kidney and they are going to operate on Monday in Mexico City. He told us about how another Brother that was in charge of the Young Men in his ward, was caught selling drugs. His wife has cancer, he had no work. I hear that drug buisness is pretty lucrative, until they put you in jail. I don't know why he did it, but if I had to guess, he was despearate. Just trying to keep his wife alive. Maybe I am wrong but at any rate, how sad. And Marta is dead. Frank told us that they were missing us and talking about us in a meeting that the bishops had with the stake presidency. That made me feel good. We really did work hard there in the church.

It makes me wonder, what are we doing here? Is life really only about having a job and earning money? That is why we came here. The bishop here hasn't even given us a calling. Should we have stayed in Martinez? Really, we couldn't have. WE were out of money, we were out of options. It just makes me think, what I am supposed to be learning from this whole experience?

I was suffering in Martinez, and tonight I am longing to be there again. I guess the point is to learn to love the moment I find myself in. To cherish it, and be in it, and also realize how fragile it is, because it will be gone someday. Stages of life come and go, and come and go. I remember being at the flea market one day and feeling strongly impressed to savor the experience because it would be gone soon. I had closed my mind to all possiblities except for going to back to the states, and so I of course interpreted my feelings to mean that we would be going home soon. I had no idea we were headed for the center of hell, cuidad juarez, and the longest separation I could imagine.

So now I am going to bed still wondering why God has sent us here. To a place where we have all the unimportant things, like enough money and three wal marts, and not the real life defining experiences and realtionships that we had in Martinez. And yet, we have to eat right? Why didn't we ever find work there? What is God thinking and planning? What is this really all about? I guess I just don't get it. But something is telling me not to make the same mistake here that I made there. I need to savor this experience as baffling as it is to me, because I didn't savor Martinez. I was baffled then, all I could think about was what we didn't have, a job and stuff and stablity. Now I can see what the whole thing was about, and I couldnt then. It must be the same now. I truly can't see the forest for the damn trees, but I better start eating the fruit and loving it because in a minute I might be in a whole other jungle with new trees and new fruit.

Good Night Martinez, I love you Marta.

Time Line

2009-01-28T09:30:00.000-06:00

So I have had a lot of people ask me what has been going on. I think that I am complete with this blog but I am not. So here is a timeline of the last year so everyone can get caught up.

March 2008 Eva flew to Utah with my best friends int he world and Justino and I left Veracruz and drove 45 hours to Ciudad Juarez. He found a job there and stayed. I was in Juarez for two weeks and then I went to Utah to get Eva and to recieve much needed prenatal care for pregnacy with Sam

April 2008 Eva and Brook headed back to Juarez for four weeks to be with Papi.

May 2008 Brook and Eva spend time in Utah and get ready for the baby

June 16 2008 Samuel Jusitno Mora is born on his sisters birthday.

June - August 2008 Brook, Eva and Sam hang out in Utah while Jusitno suffers in the worst place on earth, Ciudad Juarez. Londly and sad he struggled to decide weather we would stay in Juarez or move somewhere else.

September 1 2008 Brook heads to Juarez with Sam so that Papi can meet his son for the first time Justino actually looked phyiscally sick, he was a little green, from his intense suffereing in Juarez. She then drove our fourrunner back to Utah. During that trip Brook and Justino decide to move to Cancun where Justino was offered a job as a 1-800- Hope mortage counselor. He takes calls from the states from people who are losing their homes and helps them,

November 8 2008 The much to long separation of the Mora Family ended when Brook Eva and Sam headed back to Mexico and are now enjoying their new life in Cancun.

I have to draw a line somewhere

2009-01-21T13:49:00.000-06:00

I have done it. I have drawn a line. No poop in my hair. Is that such an unheard of boundry? Sam seems to think so.

I don't consider myself a stranger to poop. I changed adult diapers for a living for like five years. One of my patients Goldie, pooped on the beautiful white carpet in her rich daughters bathroom, and I have to clean it up. I got it out. No one ever knew. A blind patient of mine flooded her toilet one day and the water and sewage created a inch of poop that was washed into a thick paste ,that was plastered all over her bathroom floor. I was grateful that one wasn't a carpet floor, I scraped that mess clean. I didn't even gag. I can't say that for the time I had to put poop in viles for a stool sample for eva, ( when we thought she had giardia) . That was a little hard for me. I change poopy diapers everyday. I use cloth diapers so I have to swish them out in the toilet every time. I get my hands right in there to get those suckers poop free before they go in my clorox bucket. Like I said, I am no stranger to poop.I have learned good hand washing skills and am ok with my close aquaintance to poop. It's like that book says, Everybody poops.

But for some reason today, I still don't quite know how, I couldn't stop smelling poop. I had washed my hands, all the diapers were rinsed out and outside. Sammy was clean. I couldn't figure it out. Then I looked in the mirror, and saw that a strand of hair right near my face was darker than the others. You know, like when you accidentally run your masacre brush through your hair? Like that, only brown, and putrid. So only one thing to do. SHOWER.

Now I know it's a lot to ask. A mother of small children to actually take ten minutes for herself to wash the poop out of her hair, but come on people. Poop in my hair, I had to draw a line. So Sam cried like he was being stabbed the whole time I was in there. I was reminded why I don't shower quite as regularly as I used to. But I got the poop out. Somehow I needed more. I actually blew my hair dry. I don't think I have done that yet in cancun. And then it was like a snowball effect. I put make up on, another rare event, and even wore purfume. I mean there are things a girl has to do, to recover from something like poop in her hair.

Well the happenings were more than Sam could bare. I think my full on shower and make up fest may have bordered on child abuse because he cried so hard. I sit and reflect upon it, and I have to admit, I would do it all again. I mean I have to draw line.

Barak

2009-01-20T13:57:00.000-06:00

So I just read the inaugaration speak of our new president Mr.Barak Obama. Quite moving actually. Wonder if he wrote it himself. Wonder if he meant all that he said, more importantly, Wonder if he'll do all he said he would do.

I am proud that our country has evolved enough to elect a black president. I want to think that I live in a world where color really doesn't matter. Seems to be a step in the right direction. Have you ever read Martin Luther King's "I have a dream speech" ? It is masterful. He predicted a black president. His Dream was prophetic. One line of that speech really grabbed me, when I first read it in the pit of hell, Juarez. He said " Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffereing is redemptive." Great men like Martin Luther King were great because of the truth that they promoted and drove into reality.

I wonder if Obama is great. I have to admit, that speech he gave this morning was pretty solid. He's no Martin Luther King, but still. I sit here in Mexico and I have to wonder, will he fail me too? The US government has failed me and my family. What will you do Barak? I can't wait to see.

What a ride

2009-01-10T13:41:00.000-06:00

Today Justino and I are celebrating our 5 year wedding aniversary. What a wonderful wild ride these five years have been. FOR REAL! If I would have know the journey that marrying him would be, I still would have married him. I am so grateful to be married to him. I dont know if I can say the same for having the kids, but Justino was the right choice for sure. ( Just Kidding about the kids... but seriously)

I have been wanting to blog for so long and it's been one of those things where I don't have time to do it perfect so I don't do it at all. Lame I know. So, still to come pictures of my house that is so great that it is nothing short of a MIRACLE, that I live in a house so completely furnished. I actually have a normal life. It's so cool, and wierd after the two years of limbo-hell we have endured. Also lots more details about life in Cancun. Things are good here, so good. So good that I am actually worried about what tragedy will fall on us this year. I do remember a time in my life when I didn't actually expect tragedy all the time. Could that homeostasis return? I can't imagine that.

By the way, this is the only family picture ever taken in the five years that Justino and I have been married. Jusitno and I both hate it because we both think we look fat. Let's be real, niether of us the most fit we have ever been. I wish Eva were looking at the camera, but Sammy looks good, don't you think?

My Cute Kids

2008-12-14T07:33:00.000-06:00

July

2008-12-10T13:45:00.001-06:00

so I am walking around in a total apethitic fog as far as christmas goes. It doesn't feel at all like the season to me. I see evidence all around me that it is, but I don't feel it. I am not shopping for gifts, because my kids are too young to know the difference, and because I am watching every pesos that leaves my pocket. I am not decorating my house, I need furniture, before I need christmas decorations I don't have any room to store the rest of the year. Mostly I think the real topper is that it is 90 degrees. I am a Utah girl. No snow equals July.

I have been thinking about what I want holidays to mean for our family. We went over to some friends house the othe night and she shared a story about Christmas with us. It was all about serving her fellowmen, and loving and giving and all the things that Chistmas should mean. Nothing about gifts or bows or trees, or an of the bu-ya that is everywhere.

I don't want to be a humbug and I don't really feel like I am, I just want this season to be about what it is about. A baby in a manger who was born with the cows and the pigs and the sheep. Not in some perfectly decortated palace. There were gifts, but they were few and meaningful, instead of trite because they were given because everyboy else was doing it, or because there were so many that nothing seemed special. The big deal was not about how beautiful the manger was or the party the shepherds had over the whole thing, but really about the life that the child grew to have. A life of loving and giving and serving and saving others from there hurts and their fears and their sins.

And that is a big deal to me, because I hurt a little every day, and I am afraid a little everyday. I am sure I hurt my children a little everyday, because everyday I feel less and less capable as a mother every day. And I know that I am not a perfect wife, or friend or daughter or sister. And everyday I look inside my own soul and see my flaws and feel my weaknesses, and feel such a deep need for some help. And when I think about a person who was born just to offer me that help and someone who has the power over the things I am so powerless over, I truly want to celebrate His birth and His life.

And as I write this, it occurs to me that the way he helps me and lifts me and is a part of my life is so sacred and private and personal to me, that it seems obvious why all the hoop-la that comes with the season doesn't reflect that relationship. And it makes me realize that the way I need to celebrate this season is going to be just as personal and individual to me as my realtionship to Him is.

And as for the pomp and the majesty all around, I can enjoy it. Lots of it is really fun. And the peace of my season will come in my own quiet moments. Hopefully I will be able to fill my own spiritual resovoir, so that when it really is July it will feel like Christmas in my heart.

Merry Christmas Everyone. I love you

I don't know what to call this

2008-12-07T06:48:00.000-06:00

So while I have glimpses of this peaceful paradoxical zen like feeling about living in the realxed tranquil paradise I find myself in, I am struggling to be motivated. I am thinking, and hoping that it is due in large part to the extreme pain shooting down my left leg I keep thinking that I am getting better, but I'm not, or it seems that I am not. If my lack of verve is due to this pain then that is good news because I will eventually be free from this pain, I am some what confindent that all be it slow as tar, I am healing. So maybe someday I will be pain free and eager to wash dishes and mop floors, and dust cielings fans and do laundry and hang up laundry and fold laundry and then do it all again. I might want to make the bed once in a while or scrub the tub or the toilet. I don't want to do ANYTHING. I just want to lay down until this pain goes away, but I have these rotten children that keep looking at me wanting to eat and play and i supose eva needs her hair combed once in a while and sam is still king vomiter of all the United States and Mexico, so I just keep changing his bib, and then his clothes.

Justino had a similar injury with his back and leg before we had children. Of couse he just got to lay down for months until it was better ( and in his defense, his problem was way more severe than mine) But I said to him this morning, Isnt there anything we can do for this leg, and he said. Don't worry mija, you will just be miserable for a few months and then it will be better. Thanks, Justino, Thanks alot.

Paradoxical Zen

2008-11-29T08:03:00.000-06:00

Since I was hanging on the raw ragged edge, much has changed. Justino got a job in Cancun. We are now in Cancun with him. He has rented us a HOUSE, with two bedrooms and closets and kitchen cabinets and counter space. I have a real stove and and an oven. I have a great fridge and there isn't even one cockroach in it. There are three wal-marts for me to choose from and many other similar stores. I can walk to the mall, that is giant and has a movie thearter. I have a pool that is just for the people that live on my street. I swim with Eva everyday, sometimes twice and Sam is just a darling little fat ton. He likes to swim too. It is 80 degrees here, and beautiful. We paid 6 pesos (just under 60 cents) and rode the bus to the hotel zone and saw a dolphin show. Eva was in heaven. The hotel zone feels like inside some ritzy Las Vegas Casino, without the gambling. The shops are high end, it is beautiful, and lots of tourists. Lots of luxuries here that I never dreamed of in Martinez.

I also have some charms here that I enjoyed in Martinez. The guy on a trike selling corn on the cob, elotes, and the corner stores everywhere that make running to buy a drink for visitors really convient. They even have twix bars here. Some real american candy. The street I live on is a dead end so there isn't a lot of traffic. There are beautiful trees and flowers growing. There are huge aloe vera plants randomly everywhere. There are even side walks here.

Even better than all the convience here is the family that is finally reunited. And here we are together loving having a life together. A good life together. Where important things are important, like eating dinner together, and takking walks together and laughing together, and sitting on the porch everynight while eva pushes sam in the stroller, reading every book that eva owns every day because what else are we going to do? Life is slower here and so we don't miss all the good stuff that sometimes get skimmed off the top in the rat race of the states. I always feel so busy when I am there. We are just here holding on together and living a life that is just ours and we are happy. There are so many things about this life that I perfer.

Last week my good friend Lisa invited us to her house and she cooked her head off and made a Thankgiving dinner for us. It was delightful. She was showing me her hosue and all she said,
" This is my own little zen" She has created her safe space. It is her zen. I thought when she said that, how us being together here, isolated from so much of the worldly crazy, that we are in our own safe place, our own protected bubble. Where we can focus on being instead of doing, and all the while it's tropical Mexico. I love it.

And while I love it, it is still Mexico. I run out of water if the city doesn't pump water up onto the water tank on my roof. In theory it is supposed to fill every morning, but on the days it doesn't by the after noon we have no water till the next day. The side walks are great for walking on , but are so bumpy and uneven that they are not so great for strollers. So we still walk in the street a lot of the time. Eva uncovered the drain in the shower and I got to scream at my first cockroach since I have been here. The biggest flaw to this paradise is that my family isn't here. My eva cries for her grandma everyday. SHe isn't going to grow up playing with her cousins. She might not even know them. Things are just things but family matters. And sometimes I grieve and ache and long for my nearest and dearest.

So there is the paradox. We live in a paradise, with just enough "things" to be comfortable, but not enough that we forget the good stuff, and it is truly peaceful, yet all the while carrying an ache for the important parts of me that are so far way. And then again I guess that's what finding peace is really all about being happy in the midst of hard things. Because really, it is never all the way easy. So here I am finding my zen, in the middle of imperfection. Mine, the country's, my kids, my husband, and yet peaceful all the same.

Raw Ragged Edge

2008-07-15T14:41:00.000-05:00

So just as I sat and wrote the title of this post, the baby screams, and again I am re affirmed that the title to this blog is accurate. He is now asleep again, I think, and so I have about two minutes to get this done.

So baby Samuel Justino was born. He is almost a month old now. He is of course the most handsome son ever born to any woman anywhere, and he is very tranquil and sweet. His sister was that way, and I learned in the first year of her life that means that God has some serious turmoil to put us through and a baby any more high strung we couldn't manage. Maybe that says something about how easily I am pushed to the edge but at any rate, I am enjoying that the sleeps alot, ( except for when his sister sleeps) and that he is very cute. Delivery was fine, all went well, Dad got to see us right after on a web cam. We are doing a lot of that lately.

Since the baby was born Eva whines everything she says. She wants a bottle everytime Sam has one, and is no longer sleeping through the night. I have decided that my children have telecomunicative powers, and with only their little minds tell each other when they have just barely gone to sleep so that the other one can wake me up. They tag team me like this all night, except for last night when they decided to scream at the very same time. Just remember folks sleep is for the weak. Oh yeah, I am weak, I NEED SLEEP.

I am waiting on all of Sam's documents before I can go back to Mexico. This separation has been terribly difficult and so long. We are eager to be back with Justino. We are working on getting hired at the consulate in Juarez. Sen. Hatch has made that a possiblity this week and we hope it works out.

In the meantime we are still hanging out on the raw ragged edge of sanity, and hoping that we don't fall off.

Hello Again

2008-06-02T22:28:00.000-05:00

So I guess it becomes really obvious when I am in the states, because I stop blogging. I hope I haven't scared you all from coming by to see what is going on with us.

Really not much to report. I am scheduled to have a c-section birth on June 16 at 5pm. If I go in to labor before that, I will try for a natural birth, but the docs seem to think it unlikely. We will see. Either way, I am counting. I am more and more uncomfortable every day.

I have been in awe at how angels in my life have prepared me for this baby. When I got here the first of May, many asked me to if I had what I needed for this new arrival, and if I was "ready". I had not one outfit, no car seat, no crib, I guess you could say that I was not ready, AT ALL. Strangely, I felt no worry about it, and now I know why.

A few weeks ago my friend Eliza showed up with an entire wardrobe for this child until he is at least one. She has a friend with a baby just over a year behind my Sam ( Samuel Jusitno is going to be his name, by the way) she brought me all his clothes that he has grown out of. She also brought me a load of newborn diapers and size ones that her baby has grown out of.

Then this week some other friends, ( Nikki and Kami) threw me a shower and invited many generous doners that all contributed to a double stroller and a car seat, as well as some cute toys and nursing tank top ( thank you SO much Cacia) more diapers, wipes, bibs, all the goods. I am so set up. I am so grateful to everybody for all they gave. I feel so taken care of.

Jusitno is still champing it up in Ciudad Juarez. He is lonely but continually amazes me with his good attitude. We talk alot on the phone and he is always cheering me up. It should be the other way around since I am surounded by the best friends and family ever and he has NO ONE. He truly amazes me.

He is working at a english call center, and making just enough to feed himself and pay his rent. We are thinking about moving to Canada. We still don't know about the High School Job In Colonia Juarez. There has been no hope or help with the job at the embassy, we have a few leads in Cancun that haven't come to fruition, and still a possibilities in a few other cities.

We are hanging in there. I can't look to far into the future but for today, we are still hanging there.

I'm Back... in more ways than one

2008-03-19T00:22:00.000-05:00

So I am back to Utah. We left Martinez on March 1 and drove 40 hours through the long and windy bumpy pot hole filled roads of mexico to the border town, Ciudad Juarez. My Father in law got his visa, lucky bastard, ( I mean.... good for him.) Justino looked around and found a job in Juarez while we were there. The pay is crap but it is more than he found in Martinez so he is there. Senator Hatch claims that he is working on helping Justino get a job at the American Embassy in Juarez, which would be GREAT, way better pay, good hours, the works. So we will see how that turns out in the next week or so. Can't say I love Juarez, crime filled, ugly desert armpit, but with a job and a ten minute drive to El Paso, we might take it, for a while at least. Also nice that there is a direct hour and a half flight to Salt Lake, so close for visiting purposes. Also we don't have to have a permit from the Mexican Government to keep our truck there, so that is another perk. Jusitno is there, and missing us, and we are here missing him, and hoping to be back together as soon as I can get an ultrasound here, and make sure the bun in the oven is cooking like it should.

I am back to a computer after a long time. Our hard drive crashed a few days before we left Martinez, which SUCKED! But some little genious there fixed it for us, and we are up and running again.

Eva is back to adequate pediatric care, and gartefully so since she has Giardia. Apparently, despite all my vigalnt efforts to make sure she didn't get any mexican bath water in her mouth she found a way to drink enough while I wasn't looking. Can't say I am surprised, she always tried to take a swill while bailing water out of her bucket. So that is another priority before we head south again, getting her belly bacteria free.

Mostly, back to the reality that not any amount of soft beds, baked goods, books, carpeted floors, clean water, or paved roads are worth separating our family. Too bad the US government doesn't understand that.

Shoes

2008-02-27T23:15:00.000-06:00

So I washed ALL of my shoes tonight, by hand with lots of soap and water. I don't know if it's just me, but I have never washed my shoes before. In the states, maybe I would wipe them off with a wet cloth if they got spilled on, but they never called out to me, that they really needed to be washed. I once said that living here was like camping in hell. At the time I was being dramatic and rash, and mostly trying to make a point about a heat here ( it truly gets at least as hot has hell here, if not hotter) but that statement was more prophetic that I knew. The point about the heat was accurate, but the camping wasn't that far off. Think of how muddy and dusty your shoes get when you camp. I don't know why it never occurred to me to notice how filthy my shoes were getting, but it only makes sense. Most roads here are dirt, so it is just dusty and muddy and just dirtier than the states, and when I looked at my shoes, I mean REALLY looked at my shoes, I was SHOCKED!

So I pulled out the toothbrush that we never use, and the brush I use to scrub jeans by hand, and really went to town on my shoes. Not just the plastic ones, not just the cloth ones, the leather and the suede, I submerged them all, and scrubbed more dirt off them than I even knew was there. It was a sophisticatedkind dirt that had joined with the sweat of my feet ( are you disgusted? I was.) to form a film of I don't even know what, that accumulated so gradually that I didn't even notice that it was happening. When I started scrubbing and saw what came off, I almost stopped breathing. How was I walking around in such filth without even noticing?

Well they are clean now, all hanging neatly in a row. The whole ordeal made me think. I washed 15 pairs of shoes. Most of my neighbors have ONE pair of shoes. The worst part isn't even the 15. It's the 30 pairs, at least, that I left in Florida, and the other probably 20 that are at my mothers in Utah. Ok, so I have too many shoes, and I should be donating them to all the people here who don't have any. AND it made me think about what different mentality I had before I moved to Mexico. I didn't even know how disposable I thought everything was. NEVER would it have occurred to me to wash leather jesus cruiser sandals after wearing them until they made my feet stink, and looked so worn out. I would have just bought new shoes. Well tonight, I washed these OLD suckers up, and they will still go another ten thousand miles. I have had them for like six years already, but they will still go. Things are more washable than I ever thought.

So tonight I had a good time washing shoes on the roof, hanging them on the line with clothes pins, and watching life be reborn into shoes that have given more than any shoes I have ever owned and loving that they still have lots more to give.

I guess that is what it is all about. Learning to go in ways you never thought you could. Giving after you thought you were spent. Pretty applicable, since we found out two days ago that our appeal to the denial of our visa, was indefinitely denied. Our small window of hope of going home before ten years is up was closed by Mr. Chertoff in the department of Homeland Security, despite Senator Hatch's many efforts in our behalf. So now unless the house and the senate pass some reform that will help us, we are looking at the next nine years in Mexico. So not the outcome I expected. I am surprising peaceful. What can we do? Just wash our shoes and keep walking.

Something is Missing

2008-02-21T08:59:00.000-06:00

Yesterday it was obvious that something important was missing. There was evidence all over. Like the batteries stayed in the remote controls all day. I put my purse on a low chair when I came in and my keys on the table and they stayed there. I picked up the things on the floor in the morning and by night time the floor was still clean. I drank a coke and I didn't have to hide it. I was out past ten and it was ok. I sat in a religion class with no toys or books or noise, just notes and thoughts and insights. Yes, yesterday was strange, something was definitely missing.
I was teary all day about what was missing. Just the thought of it, set me off. I didn't know exactly how to be. Everyone kept telling me how nice it was to have a break from all that was missing, and in truth, the night's rest with no interruption was bliss, and the lack of luggage that I had to carry yesterday made me feel light, but even still something very important was missing.

I sent Eva to States on Tues, with my wonderful friends Kami and Nikki who came to visit for the weekend. We had a delightful three days that filled my soul in ways that I can't even articulate. They are the kind of friends that are more like extensions of my soul than other people. They took her to my mother. I was undecided until the very last minute about sending her, but it really was the logical choice. I have to drive our truck out of Mexico before April 1, because the Mexican government won't let us keep it here anymore. Justino's dad has to go to the border on March 6 for his visa interview, and needs us to go and help him, so the logical answer is go to the border with the dad, and then take the truck to Utah, since more than two thirds of the journey will be done by the time we get to Ciudad Juarez for his interview. My dad is coming to the border to drive back to Utah with me. Then I will get Eva, see a doctor for this pregnancy since I haven't yet and I am almost 5 months along, and then head back down here to be with Justino for two months before I go back to the states, the first of June to stay until the baby is born in July. I knew Eva couldn't make that 50 hour car ride without screaming herself right to death, so I sent her and now there is something really missing around. It's her. Life is not the same without my Eva.

One Year Ago

2008-02-07T20:04:00.000-06:00

One year ago at this time I was still in shock by verdict of an eight hour day at the American Embassy in Ciudad Juarez. I don't think it really hit me until the next morning. I just couldn't really comprehend that they said no visa. Not only no visa, but no visa for ten years. Not only no visa for ten years, but no visa for ten years and no option for a pardon. ( which is always the case in a situation like ours) No, there was no place in my mind for that reality. The next morning, at 4am, I got up and got in taxi by myself. Justino got in taxi behind mine. His went south to the airport in Juarez where he flew to Martinez de la Torre, where we currently live. Mine went North to El Paso Texas, and flew to Florida to get our baby. When I was in line at the airport my cell phone rang. He said, " I am going to lose you, did you make it Texas?" "Yes" I said, " I made it, I am here" he said. " I had to know that you made to Texas...." and the line went dead.
In that moment, the reality engulfed me and cried all the way to Florida. Hysterical angry tears, that somewhere, someone, made some law that could rip my family apart.

One year later we are together again. We had no idea that one year ago we would step onto a path that would change our lives forever. We still don't know the end of the story, but we know a few things now that we didn't know before. We know how much it means for us to be together, and we will never take it for granted again. We know how blessed we were to live in the states, and how luxurious our lives were, even though we were poor college students. We know how important our extended family is, our parents and siblings. We know people here in Martinez that have been such true friends to us, that we will forever be better people for having known them. We know that their is a God in Heaven that has a plan for our lives, as strange as it seems sometimes. I wonder what we will say in another year. Where will we be? What will we know? I guess that is what life is all about, one year after another, one lesson learned after another... I can't believe it was one year ago.

Loving the toddler years

2008-01-23T17:03:00.000-06:00

So today I took a break. I walked away even though I could hear Eva crying for me, and told my self that her dad could calm her down. I walked to the park and finished reading a book called Augusta Gone by Martha Tod Dudman. Martha tells the story of her struggles as a mother as her daughter battles with drugs. ( Many thanks to Dolly and Jill who sent me books to read, YEAH!) Although I had similar struggles as Augusta as a teen, the voice of her mother was the one that stuck familiar chords in my heart. Not because my toddler has ever done drugs, or told me she hates me, but all I could think of the whole time, was what will I do if my Eva ever chooses that path? What can I possibly do to protect her from all the wrong that is in the world. I have the best mother on earth, and I choose that path for some time. In part my mother was what brought me back from those dark places I lived for some years, but then there is just a part of it all that none of us had any control or part of. It was just gift from God.

Sitting in that park I felt an urgency to get home and see her, and hug her. I felt an urgency to never fight with her dad ( even though he though he has a laundry disorder and can't wash our sheets with Eva's blanket, and he lies about it, and wastes time and water and drives me crazy) I don't want to ever lose my patience with her, and I don't want to ever raise my voice at her. I want to make her childhood perfect and happy so she won't have any wounds or any need to self medicate, but in the final analysis, I know I have no control over the choices she will make. What a humbling thought.

When I came home she was outside playing and came running to me and I hugged her and she hugged me back and kissed me and let her cheek stay next to mine the whole time I carried her upstairs. Today I am so grateful that my baby girl is a baby and she still loves me. I will have to remember these days when her teenage mental retardation sets in. I am not excited about those years. It was good for me to get into perspective her constant whining for me to hold her, and getting cookie crumbs all over the bed and the floor right after I sweep, and I don't even know where she got the cookie. I am home and it doesn't even bother me that she is hanging on my arms as I type this, I am just so glad she isn't on drugs. I also don't think being in the park alone for two hours hurt either.

Happy Aniversary

2008-01-12T11:55:00.000-06:00

January 10 was our anniversary. Four years married. Seems like longer, and shorter because it feels like we've always been together, but the wedding seems like yesterday. These are the flowers that he sent me. Aren't they beautiful? I love that produce and flowers are extremely cheap here. I mean look at this arrangement, He would pay at least one hundred dollars for this in the states. He wouldn't tell me what he paid, but I know it wasn't $100.
I think as a couple we have been the most united this year. Sometimes I wonder what Justino sees in me. I am a mean, fat old looking lady who doesn't like to do the dishes, and rarely makes the bed. He is always, almost always, so kind to me, and genuinely takes care of me. It still baffles me in a way. Then I think, I followed his ass clear to Mexico. He better love me. He better love me so much. The best part is that he does.

Ark Builders

2008-01-01T21:31:00.000-06:00

So it has been a blessed day. We found a place that will rent us movies. Justino brought home movie, popcorn, and a small bag of M&M's and a coke. If you eat a small handful popcorn while you still have chewed up M&M's in your mouth it is the most exquisite taste in the world, that followed by a swig of coke... Well there just isn't a more perfect snack trio. Justino some how knew I have this funny food fetish while watching movies and I couldn't believe that he even knew, let alone remembered or thought of providing me with my favorite movie treat. He just laughed and said, We have been seeing movies together for a while now. The best part was that they aren't pirated copies, like most DVD's here, so we could watch it in English.

We rented Evan Almighty and Oceans 13. We watched Evan Almighty, and all be it cheesy religious humor, We both loved it because we feel like God is asking us to something just as impossible as build an ark with no modern tools, while barefoot and with the help of many exotic animals, here in Martinez de la Torre. I saw it in the states when I visited in June, and at that time thought, hmmm, cute show, nice message. Today it struck such a different chord as we are one month away from being a whole year into this mess.

The leading man, Evan, US Senator, visited by god and told to build an ark because there is a flood coming. Suddenly he can't shave his beard, it won't come off. His hair is growing several inches a day, and God has replaced his suits with flowing robes that he has no other choice but to wear. We feel like God is asking us to things just as ridiculous as stand up in the United States Senate and announce that in the middle of a drought there is a flood coming and that we need to build an ark, with a long beard and a gauzy set of robes. We have unusual absurdities in our life , just like strange animals in pairs following us on to capitol hill. In several places in the movie he looks to the heavens with the attitude I have which is, " Are you kidding me God?" At one point near the end when there is blistering sun and the city has sent a wrecking ball to demolish his ark he rolls his eyes and says, " A little precipitation, is that too much to ask?" His tone echoes my sentiments exactly.

There was also the nice morale about family unity. The wife, thinking her husband has totally lost it, leaves him. Then she comes back and says, " We got into this as a family, we will get out of this as a family. Side by side"

Of course in the end, it is a miracle and Evan is a hero and saves the day on capitol hill, and everybody is happy. Then he chats one last time with God, and Evan says, " you knew all along" and God says something about doing everything he does because he loved him, and Evan says,
"But I fought you the whole time" and God says, " Yes, but you did it" So it ends, and I look at Justino and say, what part are we at, are we still building or are we just standing on the ark waiting for the flood. Who could know. God is the only one, but we are still here, side by side, working on some part of our own ark, and hoping it floats when God finally decides to send the flood. It seems sunny but we are hoping for rain real soon.

Announcing a new year, and the word NO

2008-01-01T13:26:00.000-06:00

Well, it happened. 2007 is gone. GOOD RIDDANCE! BE GONE! Here comes 2008, the year of the United States. We are coming home this year, legally or illegally, we are not going to be here another year. A baby is coming this year, to be born in the United States, in clean safe hospitals, where no one will be taking for granted the blessing of what it means to be born an American citizen. Good things are coming this year.

I have no resolutions. This is an absolute first for me, usually I am the type to be spinning around thinking of reasons I am inadequate and having big intentions to become the perfect woman I imagine in my head. Such a fantasy no longer plagues me. 2008 here I come, fat, ungrateful, unhumble, and without even a shred of energy to care or even want to change. Just ready for the good things coming this year. They are coming, I am sure of it.

We spent New Years with the same friends that we spent Christmas with. The couple from New York went home on the 30, because their baby got sick. I think the party left with them. It was much more mellow, still nice, but much more quiet fun than Christmas Eve. By 11p.m. we had danced, mostly Eva had danced and we had eaten, and wimped out and went to bed. Justino went back to join the party, but Eva and I slept right through the new year. I think my favorite part of the festivities was before we went to the party. SEABISCUIT was on TV, in Spanish, but still. We watched it was a family, and ate the appetizers I made for the party. I made chicken broccoli casserole and put it on french bread. It tasted divine.

The Mexicans have a funny custom that they dress up like an old man and sing and dance. The old man signifies the old year about to die. They go door and people give them a few pesos. Eva is scared to death of the mask they wear, and as a result she has learned to say no. When the old man comes dancing she cries and screams, NO! NO! I am with you Eva, no more 2007. 2008 here we come.
Happy New Year!

Holiday Rundown

2007-12-26T10:28:00.000-06:00

I can't believe that Christmas has come and went. For days that sure drag this year has really flown. This is how we spent our holidays south of the border.

Church Dinner
Last Saturday night we had our church Christmas dinner. The youth were in charge of the nativity skit. They were irreverent, and out of control during the practices and I nearly renounced my calling of youth leader, but the final product was much better than the rehearsals, not great, but better, and I Forgave them. The food was amazing. We had enough, which is a first, and we had a really wonderful time with the people who have made this time in Mexico so special. As I sat there eating, and talking I thought about leaving them, and that made me want to cry almost as much as the thought of staying for ten years. Later Justino took one of the youth with him to take dinner to a widow in our branch, and he was joking with the youth saying that when he was the new branch president that he would have to make sure and take dinner to all the widows that didn't have strength to come to the church to eat. Justino said, maybe it will be you when I leave, still joking, and Ruben, the youth, said, " You're Leaving?!" Justino told him that we don't plan on being here permanently, and Ruben got quiet for a long time and then said, " President Mora, Please don't leave." When Justino told me that I forgave the all the irreverent youth for being teenagers about the skit.

Posadas
All last week neighborhoods around Martinez hosted Posadas. It is when the people on a certain street pool their money and resources and make a party. They close the streets and string balloons, rent speakers bigger than their houses and dance all night. The neighborhood ladies cook and there is candy for the kids. Big fun, big food, all night. These folks know how to party.

Christmas Eve
So we went to a Christmas Eve party with some of our friends, Frank and Rosy. We went with their family to Rosy's mother's. She had 12 children and they were all there with their kids. We played games and had pinatas, she roasted a leg og pig with peaches it was divine. Then we danced and there was karaoke. I got a big kick out of listening to everybody sing. Everybody dressed up and there was such a joyful atmosphere. The games were cheesy, like musical chairs, and fruit basket, but every body participated and made it so much fun. I laughed until I cried more than once. At midnight every single person hugged and kissed every single person. Eva fell asleep on my lap in a chair in a corner about 5 minutes to midnight, so I thought that I would not be involved in the 12 o'clock Christmas greetings, but not one person failed to find their way back to the my isolated corner and hug me over the top of my sleeping angel. I was so touched that many of them, don't know me, but I felt sincerely loved my all of them. It struck me that the focus of the evening was being together. Not gifts, not anything else just coming together to celebrate. We stayed until almost 2a and it was blissful.
There was another element that really impressed me about this family. Underneath the obvious merry making, there were some things going on that could have really killed the mood, but didn't. A few months ago Justino and Frank painted a house for one of Franks sister in laws. I'll spare the details but she during that time she stole Frank's wedding ring, and a substantial amount of money from him. The circumstances around the event made it obvious that she was the culprit, but in the end he couldn't prove it, and had to let it go. Christmas Eve, She was there. He was there, and he was kind. I paid attention to how he treated her. He brought her a plate of food, and I saw them kiss at midnight. Frank is a bigger person than me, because he forgave her.
Another detail was that one of Rosy's sister, Isabel, came from the United States. She has lived there for 20 years, is a legal resident, and after 7 years or so came home to see her family for Christmas. She brought a surprise with her. Her lesbian life partner, Margarita, and their new one year old daughter, Joyce. This family is NOT of the open minded train of thought to celebrate the announcement of the lifestyle choice of their daughter. I was worried for her
( Somebody told me before the party about her arrival) but I was deeply moved at the kindness and love that this family showed their sister, and her new family. Frank danced with Margarita, she was the best at the karaoke, and I noticed everybody extend a hand of welcome to her. I love that.
I thought about the whole night and I realized that the wonderful feeling I felt was there because these folks, not only know how to throw an awesome party, but because they don't just sing about Christmas, they don't just celebrate Christmas, they LIVE everyday, the principles that Christmas is all about. Peace, Love and Joy.

Christmas Day
Justino went to see his grandmother and because my foot hurt from all the dancing, and because my mother was going to call I stayed home. I talked to her for two hours and that was a delight. Then I took a nap, and that was only ok. Because I woke up every 5 minutes wondering if Eva was ok, forgetting that she went with her dad. Children really do ruin your life, I used to be a champion napper. Thanks a lot Eva. We went back to Rosy's mom when they came home, and ate again, and it was fabulous.

Best Christmas Present Ever
so there are two young men in the branch that play the piano. They learned before I came from their mother and they love it when I teach them. They love to find difficult, fast, show off music to learn, and I am always trying to help them learn it. They always ask me to play something "impressive" and since I haven't practiced since my recital in April of 2006 my skills are less than impressive. I can get through about 30 seconds of the third movement of Beethoven's "Moonlight" Sonata. Well they beg me for more, and I never have it to give. I keep telling them if I had the music I could resurrect it, but I don't so, sorry. Well, Monday afternoon they showed up after having spent hours in an internet cafe, with a copy of the music. They were so pleased and so was I. I can't wait to get to the piano, and spend some time with my soul mate Beethoven. Merry Christmas.

Hope

2007-12-20T18:31:00.000-06:00

Hope is an interesting thing. I am thinking about it because I think I am losing it. When I was younger I used to hope for a bright future. At different times I hoped for different things. I remember a time that I hoped to be a best selling author who lived alone in Park City and had a bare skin rug. Later I hoped for a happy marriage. That hope came true. I hoped for a certain life, with my wonderful husband, some kids, a house.... You know the usual stuff. Lately I have been thinking, so what do I hope for. I hope for a visa that will take us home. I hope that my husband will be present at the birth of his next child. I hope that Eva will someday sleep through the night, like she used to before we moved to Mexico. I hope that Justino's cousin will come from Florida and bring us Eva's crib to increase the chances of her sleeping through the night, because I have determined that she is too big for her porta-crib, that coupled with the bugs that eat her while she sleeps, are the reasons that she wakes up five times a night, and barely naps in the day. I hope that if we ever get back to the states, that we will be able to build a life there, and it won't matter that we are light years behind other people our age. Who all have houses, and careers and lots of children, and all the other things I used to hope for.

Why suddenly am I doubtful that any of this going to happen. I believe that it is all possible. I don't think they are such outrageous things that I hope for, but in a new way, like never before in my life, I wonder if they will happen. I worry that they wont. I don't know what that says about me. I guess I just grew up believing that I could have anything I was willing to work for. For the first time I don't feel like there is anything I can do to make my hopes come true. Maybe pray. But hasn't God already decided if we are going to stay here or not. We ask him unceasingly to send us back to the states, and to send us a job until we get there, but he hasn't done either one yet. I feel so powerless over the future that I always hoped for. SO maybe I am discovering as I write this that my hope was in the wrong thing, my ability to achieve what I want to have in my life.

Oh the things I am learning being in a place I didn't hope to come to. It isn't really being here that is hard. I mean tonight they closed the street, and the music was huge and beautiful and the weather was warm, and the neighbor had hung balloon across the street. And there was dancing and candy for the kids and festive Mexican "ponche" ( a hot drink, lots of fruit boiled with cinnamon sticks and sugar) that I love, and in the middle of it, I thought, what is my problem. I love this country. I do love this country. I wouldn't mind living in a part of it that had at least one Chinese restaurant and a book store or two, but I love this people. I love this culture, I love that my daughters first words have been Spanish words. I love so much of this life that we live here.

So what I am complaining about? I don't even know. I just know that I hope differently than I used to. I guess I used to hope for things and I hadn't lived anything that made me think that it might not come true. Suddenly that seems like a possibility. That scares me. What do you hope for?

BURRA QUE SOY

2007-12-16T20:17:00.000-06:00

Well, I guess when I complain about my life, and refuse to see the things that I have to be grateful for God gently nudges me to remember them. In this case, he nudged me down the stairs on Saturday afternoon while I was at a baby shower, and today I remember that I am grateful for the good old days when my ankle wasn't sprained and I could walk all over this little town pain free. Actually, I don't really think that my sprained ankle was an act of god, as much as it was my clumsy self, and loose flip flops, but at any rate, I am more grateful that I can walk ( or I should say, that I will walk again in the near future, now I doing more crawling and hopping than walking)
I found a doctor, she is a member of my church, and she is an actual doctor, not a Mexican "healer" ( which could be a whole post in it self) She said that she doesn't think it is broken, might be little crack in the bone, I think we will do X-rays tomorrow. Jusitno is a champion, ran a real marathon today, in church as the branch president, and with a one year old, and a broken wife home in bed. I am so grateful for him. One day at a time, good to be grateful for strong ankles, I have added that to my list.

Christmas Time in Sunny Mexico

2007-12-12T23:13:00.000-06:00

This photo has nothing to do with this post, just wanted you all to see how darling my child is.

So I have been really in a funk since my mom left. For three days I have done almost nothing. I did start laundry, but still have two loads on the line, for three days now, and one load that never even made it out of the washer. My mom came, and left, and that made me sad. Basically I have been totally out of gas, and sick of living here, and ready to be done with Mexico. Hopeless that we will ever get to go home, and really struggling that God is fine to let me struggle and suffer. That is so not the God I have believed in. Yes, we have trials to make us grow, yes he sees a bigger picture, but somehow this time, this trial seems different. Like way beyond growth and my better good, more like sadistic cruel punishment. How can it be ok that I am in a country that all my god given talents are stifled and I am losing my self one piece at a time, with every taco I eat. The interesting, fun loving, intelligent musical Brook Ann the Great, is becoming this shallow, non human entity that barely exists form one day to the next, doing nothing stimulating or progressive, just trying to keep Eva alive, and protected from Rabid dogs, and bug bites.

So we go to the church because Justino has a bunch of President stuff to do, and the ward is having a Christmas “charla” basically a message about the Savior and then refreshments. Justino comes out in the hall and tells me that the person who is supposed to give the message didn’t come, and I have to do it. Great timing since I am feeling abandoned by God, and completely indifferent to the Savior, who is supposed to lighten my load, but did I mention I am still sick and dying pregnant because I followed his plan for my life. He could at least help Eva nap like normal children her age instead of sending me a daughter who is a sleep handicap, and still doesn’t sleep through the night or sleep more than an hour a day. He couldn’t let her be a docile low key child either, she has to be a monkey that gets into everything and throws tantrums when I stop her. Not to mention that he knows about every job in the world, and yet we still don’t have one, despite the fact that we are nearly out of money and the only thing we have been doing down here is serving in HIS church, FOR FREE! Yeah I was thrilled to think that I had to give some uplifting spiritual message about the Savior when want I feel like saying is “Look do your own thing because His way is about the most excruciating way you can think of, and by the way while you are dying of the pain filled life that he has “blessed” you with Buck up and give thanks because it is for your own good, and if you don’t whine about it, you get to live with him who has punished you for eighty years forever. Whoopee! “

So we sing the opening song and I am wracking my brain about what to say, and then someone says the opening prayer and the time is mine, and I open my mouth and start to BS, about I don’t know what, and then something happened and the spirit filled my mouth with what He wanted me to say, and I hear myself saying that he was born in a humble stable to teach us to be humble, and then he died for us, to fulfill the Fathers will, and again we have to learn to submit to the Father will as he did. And what a glorious time of year this is to remember Him, and progress. And I read in Mosiah 3:3-5 how King Benjamin sees an angel and the angel tells him of the “tidings of great joy” that is that the Savior is going to come into the world, and that King Benjamin has to tell his people that they might “rejoice and have joy” And I ask the ward members why they think that the Saviors life and birth are tiding of great joy, and why we can rejoice because of his birth and life. And then humility of their answers humbled me. They expressed gratitude for life, one day at a time, and repentance, for His gospel. Mexicans have a way of being so grateful for each day. As a people they have a reverence for each new day. They said it with such sincerity that I was truly touched because I had been plagued with a bad attitude. I haven’t been thankful for one more day of life, repentance or the gospel because I wanted to be grateful for my really nice house, for fine restaurants that I eat at with my family, ( that don’t serve beans or tortillas) I want to be grateful for books and things and all the trinkets that come at Christmas. None of which I have.

But what do I have. The best husband in the world, the most beautiful daughter in the world, ( monkey as she may be) Another monkey on the way, who might not be a sleep handicap. Parents who love me. The best friends a girl could ask or, who love me from far away. A safe place to live, the opportunity to go to the Christmas charla and get my attitude adjusted.

I finished and as we sang the final song I remember the experience that I had when I went on trek the summer of 2005. ( Trek is a week long excursion that our Church puts on for the youth where we divide up into to families leaders are called to be “parents” to ten teenagers, and then we dress up like our pioneer ancestors and walk 30 miles the first day, pulling handcarts, through difficult terrain, eating very little and then camp and live as much like they did as we can. It always turns out to be really awesome, and super spiritual week) I did it three times as a youth, but the last time I went I was not thrilled to be there. I was tired, and out of shape, and the whole time thinking, “why am I doing this AGAIN?” One night we had a message from a young man who told the stories of his pioneer ancestors, who first came to the states form England, and then who made the journey with the early members of the Church to the Salt Lake Valley. Along the way all of their children died, then this brother lost his wife. Parts of his journal were read,, and then the young man posed the question, “Why would they choose to go through such hardship?” He answered reading the testimony of his ancestor who said, “I continued through my deep grief because I know that Jesus is the Chirst” He said much more, but those word struck me that day. That is the reason that I went on trek in 2005, because I have a testimony of Jesus Christ, and I was asked to do so by his servants. Tonight in a small chapel in Martinez de la Torre, I thought again of that summer night in the mountains of Utah, when I felt renewed to do a hard thing because of my Savior. A surge of hope ran through me as I felt a renewal again as I thought of my Savior. As I thought of how he has never let me down in the past, and how even though I have felt forsaken and abandoned, I know I am not, because he has never let me before and I believe he won’t this time. Again the wonderful people of this horrible ugly small town have taught me such a powerful lesson about what to be grateful for and where to keep my focus. I forget so easy. Merry Christmas.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

2007-11-22T16:21:00.000-06:00

This is a picture of our Thanksgiving dinner. I thought we weren't going to do anything to celebrate Thanksgiving, but we put something together last minute. We woke up this morning and went to the flea market, where the favorite buy of the day was two pounds of the most beautiful strawberries I have ever seen for 20 pesos.
( that's $2 USD) Also bought potatoes for the feast later.

I bought a roasted chicken because the only way to buy a turkey here is alive, and then I would have had to kill it, pluck it, gut it, and cook it. GET REAL. Not only do I not have the stomach for that this week, I also don't have a pan big enough or an oven, so that was pretty much off the table. When we went to get the chicken Justino got excited about some ribs they had for sale, so we bought chicken and ribs instead of turkey.

I made mashed potatoes, but gravy doesn't exist in this country and since I didn't actually cook the chicken I had no drippings to do it from scratch, so I bought the closet thing I could find which was a cream of chicken and mushroom soup by campbells. It wasn't too bad.

I bought rolls, and then forgot to put them out so we will be having chicken sandwiches tomorrow.

We had corn, no stuffing or cranberry sauce. It was all about basics. There is also no pie here. I could have made one, like a chocolate cream, or banana cream since Jello is big here, but again, no dishes or oven, so I bought a "Pay de Queso" which is like a less rich, not quite as decadent version of a cheesecake. The best part was the coke.

My father in law came. Two hours late, which worked out because we only have two plates. He didn't eat pie, so more for me.

It all happened fast and was pretty anti climatic. I was trying to be grateful, in light of the day, but wasn't really feeling it until later when we went to see a sister from the church, and she invited us in. She has two small girls, ages 1 and 3. Her husband is a nice, decent guy and there is a loving feeling in there home.

It was looking around her house that gratitude filled me. We walked through a sheet that is hung as the only door, onto dirt floor. One room constitutes their whole house. We sat on a bench that came out a van that is the couch. The table is a rusty old refrigerator turned on it's side, and a newer smaller model sits precariously one one end so as not to rest in the dirt. She has a camp stove just like mine, and another small table to one side where she works. She was so excited for us to visit, and immediately insisted that she cook for us.

Such a gesture really touched me, because often we have visitors come to our house and I would love to cook for them, but am almost always intimidated by my toy kitchen and unless I have something already made, I fall back on the excuse that I don't have the space or the dishes to entertain. She made gorditas for us. They are like a fat tortilla with salsa and cheese, that you eat like an open faced sandwich. They were good.

As we waited for her to cook, I examined the structure of the house. One wall was concrete, and the other three where big cardboard boxes that had been flattened out and nailed together. I am not sure what the roof was made of, but it seemed to be at least a pretty solid protection form the rain. It was raining and I didn't get wet.

Behind the couch was the small bed where the whole family of four sleep. Eva and her two girls jumped relentlessly on the bed and laughed and loved it. They kept jumping from the bed to the couch, to the floor. I was mortified at all the dirt that they were tracking up on the bed, and I kept trying to clean off Eva's feet. Finally the sister told me, that it didn't matter, that they were used to the dirt, and she would clean it off before they went to bed. I was also horrified at the bugs that were all over the bed. They were new bugs that I had never seen. Look like a thinner fly with six spider legs, they were crawling and flying all over the bed. I just kept praying that they didn't bite and if they did that Eva wouldn't get bit. Last Sunday she got bit by something on her finger and it is still twice it's normal size and below the bottom knuckle is red and feels like she has a gum ball shooved under her skin.

Eva face and hands where covered in dirt by the time dinner was served. Justino looked at me and told me not to put any food in her hands, as to by pass the dirt, and head right for her mouth. That didn't go over so well, and before I could do anything about it she was eating fist fulls of dirt covered bean gorditas. She loved it, ate like a champ and had a ring of mud around her mouth by the time she finished.

As we walked home to what now seems like a palace, I finally felt the gratitude that one should have on this day. Every year for some time now I have made a list of 50 things I am thankful for, and as I think back on those lists I don't think I was ever thankful for the basics, like food, and flooring, and clean water. It never crossed my mind to be thankful for those things, because I had never given one thought to the possibility of life without them. Now I have seen what some people live without, and I am so grateful for the floor in my apartment, that is not dirt. I am so grateful for the walls that are not cardboard. I am so grateful for that sweet sister who is so happy and gracious even without those things.

I don't think I have ever given much thought to the first Thanksgiving. A day originally celebrated for a good harvest. They were in a new land, and they were grateful that they had enough to sit down with their families and new friends and eat. I bet they didn't have fancy china. I bet their kids ran around and played in the dirt, and even got bitten by a few bugs in the new world. But they recognized their blessings, and founded a day all about that. I woke up today ungrateful and focused on missing the extravagance that is Thanksgiving in my house. I am going to bed grateful and humble to be like the pilgrims, in a new land with new friends, and with my husband and daughter, and for the blessings I have. I truly have enough, not alot, but enough. I am so grateful for that.

A less than perfect post about three significant events

2007-11-14T22:37:00.000-06:00

I have decided that although I have had the perfect post in mind to address the following three significant events, I have found myself in the last three days without the strength to carry it all out. SO instead of delaying all the good news any longer, I will settle for the less than perfect post, that lacks pictures and is several days overdue.

1. My angel sister in law sent me the last installment of the wonderful Harry Potter series, and as I have been without books since I read the last ones she sent me, in August, I devoured it in two days. There are some perks to being sick, and now I hope it will be obvious why I haven't been on the computer as often as usual. I loved it by the way.

2. I GOT AN AUTOMATIC REAL LIVE, MADE IN THE STATES WASHING MACHINE. This news really merits it's own post. I had it all planned out, but due to illness the photos didn't get taken, and now I have had the washer running since Sunday, and it seems all very anti climatic. However, late or not, the fact that my hand washing days are over is not only extremely timely, in light of #3... wait we are getting there, but the most grateful bliss I have felt in since I got to Mexico. I even got, thanks to a neighbor downstairs moving, hookups for the washer. The original plan was to fill it with buckets. I still trek to the roof to hang dry, but oh the wonderment of being able to wash and sweep the floor, or take a nap, or cook lunch or WHATEVER at the same time, because there is a machine sweating and getting wet in stead of me as the clothes are scrubbed clean. I am so happy. I love my new washer. It also has magical powers because the first night I was here, some other neighbors that were moving tried to steal my new beautiful new toy, and my washer woke the up a wonderful soul who confronted the thief. He played dumb and said that he thought that was his wives washer. As if my new perfect in every way washer could be his wife's old beat up piece of junk that wasn't even hooked up. How rude. The worse part is that the thieving scum is a member of the Mexican AFI, ( like the FBI) supposedly employed to catch the bad guys, but like much of the law enforcment and security of this country, he is actually the bad guy him self.

3. Now for the biggie. The presence of an interesting unmistakable group of symptoms, and the absence of something else, it is has become quite clear that I am pregnant. Justino is elated and excitedly making this announcement, so I thought I better make it official. I estimate that my due date is July 16. I am not excited about being pregnant in a little town where there is grossly inadequate health care available to me, and where the idea of refrigerating meat is only sometimes embraces, ( the smell really sends me over the edge in my current state). But I have a washer, and the weather is cooling off, so I think I will survive. I am haunted every day thinking of having this baby without Justino, which unless we get our miracle by July will have to be the case, because I am not going to have to apply for legal status of another member of my family, so I will have to return to the states for the birth. Jusitno says that at least something in out life isn't hanging in the clutches of cursed limbo, and he is right. Our family is progressing. We are now waiting for one more member of our family. And that truly does bring us joy. Our stake president said in stake conference that joy is different from happiness. He said that joy is eternal and happiness is fleeting. He said that our happiness will rarely be complete because of the nature of this life, but we can have joy in our trials as we rely on the Lord. I am not very happy. I am sick, and scared and I don't want to face what is coming up. But I have perfect joy knowing that another beautiful baby is coming to be part of our family. And that is enough for today.

Yes, This really is happening

2007-11-05T21:01:00.000-06:00

So yesterday in our stake conference ( a stake is a group of several congregations of our faith that are all in a similar geographic area, presided over by a stake president) I was in charge of the choir. We got there early for the last choir practice and suddenly Justino is telling me that the stake president wants to see me. Why I wonder.... must be about the choir.

So I get in there, and he says, how is the choir? Good... chat chat..... and then he says, "Sister Mora will you support your husband in accepting the call to preside over the Ejidal Branch?"
( Branch is a small congregation, Ejidal is the neighborhood, or area we live in, in Martinez de la torre, and where all the other members of the branch live) "We would like him to be the new Branch President?" ( a voluntary position that entails overseeing all the spiritual and logistical progress of our branch)

I am thinking, NO WAY will I support him in this calling! This is such a HUGE repsonsiblity to oversee the whole branch.... besides don't you know that we are leaving soon, dont you know we have no money and no job? Don't you know that our daughter is the biggest distraction there is in our whole branch? but I say...

" Yes president, I will support him" ( tears streaming down my face)

And then I say "President, I am crying because more and more it seems like I will never get back to my country, and more and more we are running out of money, and we have no job. we have gotten some ridiculous offers, and some not so ridiculous offers that would mean working on Sundays, and we have decided that we will Honor the Lords day and serve in His church, but...." he stops me and says,

" I promise you that the Lord has a work for Justino to do in this area, and I promise you that you will be blessed with every needful material thing for your good, and I promise you that you will be taken care of. I also promise you that you will go back to your country, but first the Lord needs you here. Someday you will understand why."

By now I can't even speak I am bawling so hard. Tear that aren't really sad or happy tears. I think tears of finally knowing what God wants us to do. We don't have to keep wondering if we are going home soon, we aren't. We are going to be here for a while. I haven't heard a word from the government since Sept. 28, over a month. Now we can stop waiting. We aren't coming home... yet.... at least not for a while.

Now we know it is going to be a long enough while that it is time to settle down.
This really is happening....Holy shit...
( oh wait I shouldn't say that I am the branch president's wife... hee hee, somethings don't change)

Is this really happening

2007-10-28T10:18:00.001-05:00

So we have been looking for work in Martinez for nine months. We have also submitted resumes in Mexico City, Jalapa,Veracruz, Puerto Vallarta. We have received offerers, like... Teaching English, 80 hours a week, weekends a must, $200USD a month. ( note that it cost of meager living here is $400USD.) So we are starving to death and can't make rent and never see each other. No thank you, we'll keep looking. Many other offers that are just about as pathetic, and so we keep looking. Well this week I think we figured something out. Long story short, Good trustworthy friend from church looking for a partner to start a business. We would provide to Martinez, ( our small town) and all the surrounding areas, a magazine and web page where people can list rentals, things they want to sell. From houses to fridges to electronic, whatever. Kind of like a classifies. It is so needed here. Still working out the details but I think it could really go.

Initially I was excited, and began fantasizing about all the things we could afford, a washer, some dishes, I could really use some new shoes, eventually even a house here. How great life would be here if we were really settled here, with a job and a normal life. Something to work for, a dream to go after. And don't forget, for the first time in nine months INCOME!!!! Imagine what we could do if we were actually EARNING money. Then I think of the house full of stuff that I left in the states. My music, my piano, a decent mattress, the most beautiful sleigh crib for Eva, my photo albums, MY BOOKS, I could go and get some of that. Sell the rest that we can't bring, and actually have fully functional kitchen instead of a camp stove two plates, a few forks and knifes, two glasses, and three pans. ( and Mind you I am cooking BIG meals down here, Jusitno is not so easy to feed) I get so excited. Oh the things I could so with all the things I have back int he states.

And then reality hits. Are you really going to settle down in Mexico. Sure great people, fantastic food. Flea Markets, and fresh fruit and veggies cheap all year, fresh juice brought right to my door every morning for only ten pesos, warm weather, on and on. I am truly happy here, but am I really go to start a business here, and actually stay here?

Does God really want me to raise my children without their grandmother, all their aunts and uncles. All of my family is in the states. All of Jusitno's family is in the states. Do we really have to be here so far from our families?

Does God really want me to have more children in a place where cesarean delivery still means cutting the muscles, and a long vertical incision down the middle of my stomach, and then there is the question of weather the child will be an American citizen. The last thing I need is to have to apply for legal status of another member of my family. I will of course not go through that. I can always go home for the birth of another baby, but that means traveling alone with a toddler when I am big and pregnant. and then having the baby without Jusitno, and then having to travel back with a new born and a toddler. I short circuit when I think about it.

And what about education for my children. Does God want me to raise them in a place where there are no books. How am I going to raise children who love to read if there are NO books in this whole town.

Is this really happening?

Hit the Roads Calderon

2007-10-26T22:14:00.000-05:00

So one thing that I see alot her that floors me is the lack ofpaved roads. I know I have mentioned it before, but really Mexican Government, can you pull it together enough to pave ALL the roads. I am thinking, hmmm...im my country, first pipes, water sweage etc, then curb and cutter, and then paved roads, THEN houses. These poor people, live in these decent houses, and drive decent cars, and they have to drive over what I have only seen in the mountains on the way to camp in the US. It's not like just in some underdeveloped area, where the most poor people live, are short paved roads. Its everywhere. ANd while I am on the subject, how about drainage! Gutter and Storm drains we things that I never though about until I noticed her that is rains for ten minutes and we have a river for a street. I literal river.

The other morning I took Justino to paint this really beatiful house, and I was totally four wheeling to get to it. And I see this woman walked from her house to the main road. She is dressed very professionally, and then I look at her shoes. She is wearing these beautiful elegant heels, and HIKING to get to the main road to take a bus or taxi to work. I am thinking, only hiking boots are fit to brave this terrain, not stelettos! I can't believe what I took for granted!

moments of parenthood

2007-10-21T21:49:00.000-05:00

Tonight Justino turns to me and says, " I now know how it is possible for some people to kill their own children." I laugh, but in some sick way TOTALLY relate. We are 20 minutes into a forty minute drive, Eva has been screaming for 15 minutes. We still have a long way to go and the siren in the back seat is angry because she doesn't like her car seat. So I am deaf and wondering, seriously wondering why my mother never told me what a curse children are, and for that matter why there are so many children being born everyday, especially to parents that already have children and know what a punishment they are. I mean really what is this kid good for? Just to make my life hell. That is all she does. Pain, sorrow, weeping wailing, gnashing of teeth!! I don't even love this devil in my car, not even a little bit......

Then Justino turns on the radio and the satanic child in the backseat starts to dance, and laugh at rhythm. And she is shaking her shoulders and bobbing her head, and suddenly she is the most delightful creature I have ever laid eyes on. Justino looks at me and says, " How did we get the most beautiful child ever on earth." And I say i don't know... I really don't know, but she IS the most beautiful child ever on earth. And now it all Joy, and laughter and love and happiness...

Parenthood, what a trip!

Don't Cry, It;s gong to be ok

2007-10-18T11:52:00.001-05:00

Much has been floating around in my head the last few days, mostly a battle to keep my socks up about our current situation, but I feel a little like Eva did in this picture. I was sure that I had received personal revalation that we would receive a miracle concerning our case by the first week of October, ( General Conference for our church) but to no avail. The absence of such a miracle has prompted much thought on understanding the way the God answers prayers. I am continually taught the same lesson, that I think I learn, until it comes time to live what I have learned, and then I don't quite do it, and then God teaches me again. I have said before that I believe that our work here on earth is to learn to be in tune with our Father, and submit our will to His. I struggle to submit because I have my life perfectly planned out, and His plan keeps getting in the way. That God what a kidder.

In meantime, I am still hopeful to come home some day, and in the meantime hoping that we can settle down here a bit. Since February we have not had employment, and we have just been "hanging out" waiting for the US government to send us home. Although we have had some beautiful experiences beintg together ALL THE DAMN TIME, and serving in our church callings, this chapter is closing and we have to move on. For one thing we are almost out of money, and we need to feel settled. Limbo is a horrible place to live, and we have been there now for nine months. Tomorrow Justino has a job interview in the capitol city Veracruz, and we are hopeful that he will get it and we will relocate there. I am excited because there is a Costco there, and a Walmart, and a Sears and BOOK STORES!!!!!! Not to mention many fast food chains that I have missed deeply.

Justino has been painting houses for 130 pesos a day. That is $13 a day people. A nine hour day for $13 dollars, no wonder 8000 illegal immigrants a day go over the border. I think a large part of the problem for us is that we are in this LITTLE town. Charming as it may be, it is time to move on... Moving on is sad, when one is moving in a differnt direction that one hoped. I told Jusitno last night that I don't know where we will be, but I know we will be ok. I guess that is what God wants me to know, because that is all he is telling me at the moment. So I guess for now that will have to be enough.

The Land of the Free

2007-10-13T11:13:00.000-05:00

This week Justino and I drove to the border to renew the permission given to us by the Mexican government to have our truck in this country. We went to Matamoros, right over the border from Brownsville Texas. We left Eva with a friend from church, and I was looking forward to some time without her, and a fun road trip with Justino. We were blessed with success on getting the permit and safety as we traveled, but the trip was a blaring reminder that we want to go home.
Three relatively small events robbed me of the peace that I had recently found about settling permanently here. Standing alone each of these events were small and could be argued insignificant, but all together coupled with the fatigue and expense of the journey ( keep in mind we are still unemployed) made me ache and wonder what God wants us to do, and make me wonder why we are still here.
The first was at the office of immigration, and the officer asked me for a customs slip that had been granted to my brother in law when he was given the first permit on the truck. I didn't have it and was worried because the officer said that I couldn't get the permit without turning in that slip. Well he then proceeded to tell me that if I would put " a little somthing" in my passport and pass it back to him, he would overlook that I had not turned in the customs slip. In the moment I was grateful for the informality of the Mexican government, because I didn't have the slip and I knew to get it would be a pain, so I was happy to slide a $20 bill in the passport, and get the paperwork from him that I needed. He then was super friendly chatting with me about the Jazz, and other small trivia he knew about Utah, and I was on my way.
The second was the fake walmart that I found in Matamoros. Note that since I have been here in small, OH SO VERY SMALL, Martinez de la Torre, I have longed for stores like Walmart. A place where you can buy absolutely anything for CHEAP. There are no discount stores here. I was doubly excited because along with there being no discount stores here there are NO, not even one place, to buy books. It still baffles me that I live in a city where no one reads. I have been dying to read the last Harry Potter book, and imagine my delight when I found it there. My glee was immediately dashed when I saw the price. 500 pesos, that is $50 US dollars. Get real, like I can afford that. For an instant I thought of stealing it. Don't worry I came to my senses and I left empty handed. Broken Hearted I walked to the car, so sad that even though I found what looked like a walmart and smelled like a walmart, I was still in mexico so far away from home.
The third was on our way out of matamoros. We were moving at a snail speed in a line of traffic, and suddenly we were being pulled over. Justino was driving and he does not have a license. His Utah license expired in may, and because driving here with no license is rarely an issue he has not gotten a new one. ( by the way, I have been on his case about doing it, and he hasn't, He needs to have it) So we asked the officer why he was pulling us over, and he won't tell us. Clearly not speeding or breaking the law AT ALL, he just got lucky that Justino's license was expired. Justino told him to give him the ticket. Well he doesn't want to give him a ticket. Here if you get a ticket you are escorted to the office to pay immediately and the fine is 150 pesos. He said that the office to pay the ticket was an hour away, and he didn't want to make the journey, and knew we didn't. So, he asks Justino to step out of the car, and then he tell him that it wouldn't be polite to ask in front of his wife, but if he will give him 100 pesos, then he will let us go. Justino paid him, and then I had to drive. I was irate!!!! Clearly he pulled us over because he needed some money for lunch. Because it was cheaper and more convenient we played along, but the cylce continues. The Mexican people, in this case MY HUSBAND, don't value or regard the law because they know that it will never be enforced due to the corruption in the police force. Thus, crime is high, and an overall attitude of informality is bred into society. The cops aren't the only ones, the politicians are worse.
These are the things that are screwing the hard working Mexican people. These are the things that make earning a living here so difficult. This is the mentality that makes it ok for the government here to steal the tax dollars instead of paving the roads and providing clean water. This is the machine the drives the economy here in the toilet. I look around and see more natural resources than I can imagine. Fruit and oil in such abundance. I am stunned that this country isn't so rich. But this corruption keeps it's citizens in bondage. This is why my friend silvia doesn't have running water and has to leave her small children to bring water, even though she live a half a block down the street from me. The government can't afford to run the pipe all the way down the street if the dirty politicians are stealing half of the funds. This is why my friend Franky who has a masters degree to teach has crossed the border three times, to earn money to buy his plaza. Here it is not enough to be educated, you have to come up with 50,000 DOLLARS, not pesos, to buy your classroom and then the government will let you teach. Frankie makes 220 pesos a day painting houses. That is 22 USD, and he could make that in an hour in the states. No wonder they are all crossing the border. I ranted at Justino, because I am not used to this. In my country the road gets paved before the houses are even built. In my country you only have no water if you live on the top of a mountain in a tent, and the only reason you can't drink tap water is if you are SO sophisticated that you have to buy your water, or for the mere convenience, not because you will be sick if you do. In my country you can have ANYTHING if you are willing to work for it. The Mexican people I know, work harder than any American I have ever met, and so many of them have SO SO little.
All my life I heard that I lived in a free country, and I never really knew what that meant. When I left my country I was angry at the imperfect system there that denied my husbands visa. I was disgusted at the small amount of money that our servicemen make, and so many other things that aren't right about our system. I distrusted the government. I know that the US government is not perfect. My life is evidence of that. But I am grateful for the good things they do. I am grateful for the clean water, and paved roads and the constant electricity and all the things that I thought we just part of everyone's life. Now that I live here I know that they are not, and they are such luxuries that i took so for granted. There is much about Mexico that I love and I want my children to know the good of this country and especially the good of this people. But I am an American. My whole family is there, Justino's whole family is there. Please Dear God send us back to the land of the free.

life is Good

2007-10-04T15:38:00.000-05:00

Well I haven't posted for a couple of weeks, and thought I would just let everyone know that I live so good here. I have just spent the afternoon with a lady I met at church. She is close to my age, and has three kids. Her youngest is almost one. She moved here from Jalisco about the same time I did, and talking to her makes me realize how good I've got it. She lives in a room, with no running water. She has to bring her water from a well nearly a block away to wash. It's hard enough to wash by hand, let alone, not having water accessible. And what do you do with the one year old while you truck loads of water back home to wash. It is so hot in her house I thought I was I was going to sweat to death and it wasn't even hot today. She has a five year old, and she has to walk him to and from school eveyday. Today her one year old was sick, but she still had to make the trek, because the 5 yr old can't miss school. I walked with her. SHe is great to talk to, and so nice. Mostly I like to talk to her because she is real. She says it like it is. We talk about kids. I ask her how long her youngest sleeps and how much he eats and what he eas. SHe says he sleeps when he is tired and eats whatever I have to give him when he is hungry. I thought, wow what a novel idea. I am always trying to get eva on the perfect schedule and make sure she is eating exactly what is indicated on the chart put out by the National Heart Association. It makes me think that I am stressing over something that naturally should happen. Or maybe it's because I come from a world that is so convenient that I have to much time on my hands to worry about stuff like that. She is not worrying about what he eats or when or how long he sleeps. She is worrying that he doesn't get hurt while he is alone while she is off to get water. Or worried that she will have enough to feed him. Justino says that Eva wastes more food than he had growing up. How sad is that. I mean seriously. And now I come home to what americans would call humble and it is a palace compared to where she lives. And it is cool, and I can bathe eva inside now, because the boiler go fixed, and all the while I am thinking, here I am, so much better off than most people who live here. I can' believe how spoiled I am, and all Americans I know are. It make me want to give away everything I own, to help. The real irony is, that because they work so hard, and have so little they are like the most Christlike wonderful people in the world. ANd when I think about that, it makes me wonder if I am really so much better off, because they got what I am striving for. A reverence and gratitude for life, and a level spirituality that not only is the key to salvation, but the key to being happy everyday. They have so little, and yet they are so happy. I am truly in awe, as I think about the simple depth of these people. I am so grateful, that I got to come and learn from them. wow.

Eva the Beautiful

2007-09-17T20:45:00.001-05:00

Independence Day

2007-09-17T20:38:00.000-05:00

Well we missed the GRITO, which is where everyone gets together and yells, VIVA MEXICO, because they start the celebration the night before, and Eva wasn't feeling that good, so 10p was alittle late for her to be partying, but we went to the parade on the morning of the 16th, the actual day of Independence. Eva loved the horses and the drums. Although I was disappointed that we didn't get to see more of the celebrations, it was still fun, and we still say, VIVA MEXICO.

Mary Diaz

2007-09-05T21:32:00.000-05:00

Today I went to wash some clothes at Mary Diaz’s home. She is the branch president’s wife, and the seminary teacher, and a really amazing lady. She has a washer and I went to use it. As I sat at her home while I waited for the clothes, a deep sense of wonderment and desire to understand came over me. Only one room in her home has a roof, over it, she cooks over a fire, and has only dirt floors. Her daughter Carla has only two t-shirts and neither of them fit. Mary told me that she knows how to sew but can’t afford a machine. She sewed Carla’s Uniform for school, a wool skirt, BY HAND. A pleated wool skirt, are you kidding me?

She cooked as we talked and I waited, and she had puppies around her feet laying in the dirt, and flies everywhere. But she moved and worked like a dance, she controlled the flames of the fire as easily as I turn a knob to reduce the heat on an electric stove. She automatically covers every thing so that the flies don’t get in, and she moves the hot pan over the rising flames with her bare hands as if it wasn’t hot at all. I asked her if she gets burned, and she said, simply, No.

She is a short fat little lady, with short hair that she gels up so it looks darling and stylish, but she wears an old t shirt with the neck cut out, and a very old worn skirt. She speaks pure truth, and doesn’t mince her words, and when she laughs it reminds me of how I think santa would laugh if he were real. Her head falls back and she laughs from a deep sincere part of herself, it brings forth a sound that really makes me feel happy, and it is obvious that she is truly a happy person.

All day every I think about my home. I think about carpet and cars and washers and dryers and microwaves, and TV’s and cable, and paved streets, and running water, and electricity, and hot water, and what an EASY EASY life I had there, and I want to go back. But I wonder if I was ever as happy as Mary’s Laugh. Truly sincerely joyful. And I wonder what wrong with me. Why am I so weak? I want to be as tough and as happy as Mary, but I am not. I am not because I was born in an easy. I think as Americans go, I am pretty tough, but I am weak sauce compared to Mary.

Who is better? Well no one is better than anyone else, Right? I believe that. But why was I born to the ease and comfort and Opportunity, I am stunned when I think about the opportunity, and she was born here. why can she work circles around me, and I am a weak and pathetic compared to her. But why was I allowed the chance to develop my talents, and enjoy every comfort that life has to offer, aind she doesn't even have a floor in her house.

She is a talented seamstress and pianist, but she wasn’t born to parents that paid for a weekly lesson with the finest teachers in the state since she was five years old. Nor did she have the luxury to practice the piano everyday after school, because she had to work. Work hard to live and survive and keep her family going. And now her children are the only ones in the church besides me that play the hymns, but they are self taught, and don’t know the names of the notes or the symbols, they just get the notes off the page. And her oldest son wants to go to high school, but it is not free here, and so he doesn’t get to go. And he works, all day and then goes to the church to play the piano.

I guess who is better off is the real question. She doesn’t know a different life, and she has developed the gift of being happy in the life god gave her. And her life if is not about things, its about people and giving and serving and working hard, and I know that is why she is happy, she is focused on the things that make you happy. Carpet and microwaves are nice, but they don’t really make you happy. They make a walk through the living room nicer and serving left overs easier but they don’t really give you true joy, like Mary has. So I guess she is better off. Because it is so easy to forget what truly makes you happy and what truly matters when life is so easy.

Temple Trip

2007-09-04T12:06:00.001-05:00

This is the Vera Cruz temple. We left our apartment at 345am, and got on a bus with
other members of our branch and a neighboring ward at 4a. We arrived at temple a little after 8am. we did a sessions and sealings and spent a long time in the celestial room. We left about 3p. What a beautiful day in the temple. I wanted to leave with a more clear idea of what we need to do and how long we will be here, but I didn't get that. Just peace. At the end of it all, that was enough.

Top Ten August 31

2007-08-31T17:42:00.000-05:00

10. eva is walking!!!
9. we have fianlly come into the rainy season, seriouly more rain than I have ever seen, and they have a really poor drainage system, so the streets become rivers in a really short time. I have been grateful for my plastic croc's and short pants.
8. Jusitno was put in the bishopric. I think I may have already posted that, but some people don't know.
7. I went to the store in a bus, ALL BY MYSELF, and then talked the taxi driver down 10 pesos, so I didn't have to ride it back. A serious personal triumph.
6. We have been teaching with the missionaries at night, and met a great young mother named Silvia. She has three kids, and is really down to earth and cool. Seriously seeking truth and has been to church twice.
5. Our case has been transfered from Attorney General's office to Department of Homeland Security, and Juliann our contact in Hatch's office, has been in touch with Micheal Chertoff. directot of DHS, still no timeline, and still no word, but we're praying for a visa THIS year.
4. Learning a lot about what faith really is, submitting the will of the Father, even if it means living in Mexico with NO IDEA what your future holds, and trusting him enough that peace overides the panick. I think I understand it, I am not sure I have it completely. Every day is a new struggle, but onward we march one day at a time.
3. Justino is really longing to work. We are still agressively looking and not finding. Somedays I am sure that means we are going home soon. We are praying that is the case.
2. Eva loves her shoes now. Last week she learned how to take them off, and she threw them off the balcony onto the neighbors water tank. I looked for two days before I fianally found them. Crazy Eva, she is so bootiful.
1. We are still alive here in sunny, actually rainy mexico. WE love you Brook

Hurricane Dean

2007-08-22T23:28:00.000-05:00

Today I braved Hurricane Dean. It hit in Nautla, a beach town near here, about a thirty minute drive. I saw rain and wind like I couldn’t have even imagined before today. We had no power, or water. The phones were off and on, we were left to wait, and watch and ponder the amazing power of God.We are all fine, and didn’t lose anything as a result of the storm, but the devastation to most of Martinez was truly humbling. The roofing on many parts of our apartment building were blown off. We are grateful that our roof is concrete, unlike others that have a metal slats. Many of the tenants here we left without a roof. There is a house right in front of our building was left completely without a roof. On the corner, there lives a lady that comes to clean our building. Her roof was also lost, and her walls are carton and so she was left with a mound of muddy possessions, where her humble house once was.We drove through town and there were ENORMOUS trees uprooted, and window broken. The river is huge and swift. There are many stores with their large glass window blown out. The most amazing site was a club ( Club de Leones) that was used for parties and other gatherings that had completely lost its roof.

Top Ten August 15

2007-08-15T14:54:00.000-05:00

Some of you may have noticed that these Top Ten entries are starting to be farther and farther apart. Quite truthfully it is because moments when I feel positive enough to write one have also started to really space out. I had a glimmer a few days ago, that was extinguished before I could get to the computer, but today I am doing ok, have had a pretty good day so far, so here it is

10. My birthday sucked. We were invited to a wedding, and the only thing I wanted to do was dance with Justio and eat cake. The two days prior were stake YM/YW camp, so I took Eva to my sister in laws, and planned on leaving her there while we went to camp, and while we spent a glorious day alone on my birthday. Well, NOT SO MUCH. We called to check on her Friday night when we got home from camp, and she had been screaming for hours. Jusitno went straight to get here. I was gald she was ok, when we got her home, but sad that our day was seriously compromised. We determied to go to the wedding anyway, but we got there at 9p, and the bride and groom had not arrived, It was a great party, but dinner didn't start until 1030, and by the time we ate Eva was hysterical. We left before the dancing and the cake started. The next day they told us they danced until 4am. That would have been so fun. But the good news is, that they also brought us some leftover cake, and Justino and I danced in our apartment. It was ok, afterall.

9. Camp was an experience, it was like 120 degrees, and It was a struggle for me. The great part was when we got in the river (see attached photo, I am the orange blob in the river) and the kids had a great time. Justino, being in the stake Young Mens, planned and carried off the whole thing. He was a hero. I was not. I left the first night after not being needed all day, and came home and slept in my own bed, and then slept in, WAY IN.

8. With Eva gone I went to the park in the morning for some breakfast, and found a library. It is small, but I am thrilled. It really seems strange to me that there are such poor facilities for books here. There aren't even book stores. I still can't get over it.

7. After some breakfast I went home and cleaned like a fiend. I scrubbed the walls of my kitchen, and mopped the floors, I cleaned every inch of our place. Then I washed for hours on the roof, and got completely caught up on laundry. I hurt my hand, doing it, and haven't been able to lift anything with that hand since, but it felt good to get caught up.

6. I got an ironing board, I have been ironing on a towel on the floor. I put my foot down, and bought an ironing board.

5. Due to some generous contributions of bday money, on Monday I decided to buy a washing machine. Oh imagine my delight thinking I would not ever have to wash again buy hand. I shopped around, and found one at a good price, but my plans were haulted when we heard from Juliann on Monday after noon.

4. Our case has been sent to Home Land Security. We have learned that due to some new immigration laws, ( I'd like to know how they got any new laws passed and when, but whatever) all of the immigration issues that were under Attorney General's jurisdiction have been sent to DHS. Juliann has been in contact with that office to express Senator Hatch's personal interest in our case. She still has no idea for a time line, but says she'll keep me posted.

3. Eva is walking a lot more. Just in the past two days she has gone from walking three or four steps, to walking all the way across the room. Also many thanks to her aunt Jaquis, who sent her about ten pairs of new shoes this last week.

2. Speaking of Jaquis, my father in law came back from the states to live here for a while. Jaquis sent with him my Harry Potter books. I am way behind I haven't even read the 6th, but now I have it. I am re-reading 4 and 5 because it has been so long, it has been so nice to have a book to read.

1. I have been depressed, and realized that it was because I had decided how I thought God should have worked this all out, and once again he is not doing what I want him to. You'd think after no visa in February I would have learned that he thinks my ideas are stupid and always does his own thing. Anyway, I have really come to a place where I know that what I need to do is SUBMIT to His will. Granted knowing that and doing that are two different things, but momemt I am working on that. I hope you all are well, I miss you, and I miss american food. Please eat some for me, paticularly cookies, and Olive Garden. Brook

Naughty Eva

2007-08-03T16:42:00.000-05:00

Nothing Like Scuddling Daddy's Church books outside, and then she dumped out a kilo of black beans on the floor. SHE IS MY BOOTIFUL TINY!

Aug 3 2007 TOP TEN

2007-08-03T13:46:00.000-05:00

So here we are the long awaited date, and do you believe it? NO NEWS FROM THE GOVERNMENT! Typical, really, but still disappointed. I have been so depressed this week, really bitter, angry, beyond sad, is more descriptive and accurate. I don't know if you noticed that I didn't even write a top ten last week. But here we go again, I think I have surfaced enough to muster the positivity to write this again, so her goes...10. On Mon the 23 I went to the red cross here and they took out an ingrown toenail that I have had for months. I looked into having it done in the states while I was home, and it costs hundreds of dollars with no insurance, so I thought I could stick it out. Not so much It was a little more aggressive here, but it cost 7 dollars, 70 pesos, NO PROBLEM!!

9. Two Sundays ago they out Jusitno in the bishopric. They interviewed him during sacrament meeting and sustained him ten minutes later. The stake president said that in other wards often a lot of prayer and fasting is needed because so many people could do the job, but he laughed as he said that in our small branch the choice is so obvious, that no prayer is required, and said he was sorry that the counselors kept leaving the stand. After every one thrilled, and I was angry. No one asked me if I would give away my husband for MORE church work, as if a stake calling and four ward callings wasn't enough, he didn't get released from any others, by the way, He took me home and spent the whole day at the church. I prayed and swore at God, and told him how angry I was with Him, He sent me to the scriptures and D and C 100 comforted me. Especially when it says that Zion is chastised for a time but will be redeemed, or something like that, it means we will be home someday.

8. I also got the feeling that I need to make my life more conducive to it being just me and Eva, so we rigged some gates around the stairs so that she can crawl outside and not die, and that has been really fun for her. She is still not walking, she stands alone, and takes a few steps but still

not walking, but really have you seen a cuter baby?

7. I got mad at Justino one day last week and so I ran away, and drove all the way to the beach by myself. It took an hour and a half, and I was triumphant that I knew the way and didn't get lost. It was very healing. I need to be alone. That baby never leaves my sight. I am a little sick of here, and her dad.
6. On the 24th I was said that I was missing the party, and wanting to feel American so we bought a dominoes pizza. It was fun.

5. I went to the grocery store alone at 10p the other night to buy food. Another personal, all by myself, triumph. By the way that is not the time to shop here, I waited in line for like 30 minutes. When I go at 9 in the morning, there are no lines. Mexican are night owls.

4. This Sunday I cooked for the whole bishopric and their families, gotta love crock pots, we had chicken legs and frijoles charros. SO GOOD, I was really impressed with my Mexican cooking skills, so were the members. We ate at the church and then I went home. Justino was there until seven. The poor other counselor lives so far away that his family has to come and stay with him the whole day. I can't believe the way members sacrifice here. Church is so hot, that I rarely feel the spirit with sweat in my eyes, and I just sat there Sunday and thought about how nice the chapels are in Utah, and how close to home they are for every body. IF you live in Centerville you can throw a rock at your church. WOW I miss that.

3. After the marathon that is Sunday, Justino and I laid in bed all day and played with Eva and watched "Friends". At one point I turned to him and said, " Remember when we lived in Mexico and we laid in bed all day and watched friends and we were so sad and missing the states, and longing to work, don't you wish we could go back there?" We both had a teary cry and got some perspective.

2. The flea market on Thursday has been on my top ten lots before, but I LOVE it so much. This week I took pictures. Someday I am really going to miss Thursday mornings.

1. In the middle of writing this we had a HUGE thunder storm. The maids downstairs started yelling, they call me Justino, because they don't know my name, because I had clothes on the line. Jusitno is visiting his sister, with Eva, and I am having a break. In a panic I ran upstairs and took down the clothes. The water hadn't come yet but the thunder was shaking the building. I got the clothes down just in time, and then the biggest fattest wettest rain began to fall, and something old inside of me came alive. A part of me that has been stifled by adulthood, and motherhood, and third- world-country hood, and I stood in the rain in my white night gown and gloried in the rain, until I was so wet that I slipped down the stairs to my apartment. It was like God had sent a cleanse for my truly troubled soul. I have been hurting so deeply, and he washed it all away. And for a minute I didn't have to wash by hand, or kill cockroaches, I was just me in the rain. And when it was all over, Brook Ann the Great was back.

Top Ten July 22

2007-07-28T23:29:00.000-05:00

10. It is Saturday night and I am finally up and at it again. I have had a bad back all week. I went to a mexican healer, who rubed my back into place, then wrapped me in an ace bandage. I can't decide if it was a hoax that this guy actually fixed me and I would have been better by now anyway, but we decided to take that route becaeu the American Trained Doctor that i was thinking about seeing was four times as much money. At any rate. I am ok.
9. As we walked arougd the flea market this week buying our produce I felf overwhelmingly happy and really impressed that I should cherish this cool experience becaseu it will be over soon. Who knows what that means, I am starting to learn that God and I don't really have the same definition for words. SOon to me and soon to him, are quite different.
8. Justino has been really urgent about finishing all the geneolgy that he can before we leave. He has also felt that are time is limited here and he will regret it when we get to the states if he doesn't have all the work done. Again it makes me hope that we will be out of here soon, but there is that work, again, SOON.
7. Eva is almost walking. She took 11 steps the other day, and that so far is her personal best.
6. I might of mentioned it last week, but I did all my laundry at a sister in the ward's house. She has a washer, and it was a dream. If I did mention it last week, it is so worth mentioning again.
5. Justino and I were sad on the Friday, the 20 becuase we knew the family was at the parade and the fireworks, so we tried to feel extra american and we went to Dominos and bought a pizzza. While we were waiting a barefoot handicapp child asked me for money. He was so dynamic and yet not pushy, and I was overwhelmed that most of the world lives such a harder life than I do.
4. We have visited Justino's very old, over 100 year old grandmother twice this week. She has been sick, but still helping us with names and dates for geneology. I love the gray hairs of the world. They have so much to offer.
3.Mexico beat the USA in soccer in the Panamericanos games, and we were all sreaming and dancing at the music they play when Mexico scores. Eva was having a riot. She was as excited as Jsutio.
2. And by the way, as many of you saw while Iwas in Utah, Eva loved me the best. That is nno longer the case. She wants nothing to do with me, she wants to be with her daddy every minute She cries when he leaves the room, I can leave no problem. But she is madly in love with Jusitno.
1. We went to eat breakfast on the corner. this lady wakes up at three and cooks until seven then serves breakfast ont he corner. We went down there and it was overcast, as it has been alot this week thank heavens, and Eva sat like an angel on her daddy's lap and ate eggs. It cost us about three bucks to eat awesome food, and I told justino, even thoguth I am missing american food, that is impossible to get here, I will miss those breakfasts on the corner if we ever get home.
Hope you are all well. Love ya

Top Ten July 13

2007-07-28T23:26:00.000-05:00

SO It has been a little hard coming home to Mexico this time. Seeing and being with Justino has been a dream come true, but I do;t know the uncertainty of this situation and the nature of this beast has really been getting to me. The first time I came everything was new and that was fun, but now I am just wondering if we will ever be in a place that we can feel liek we are really setteled in to. We feel stagnant, and like we can't really progress becaseu our future is so uncertain. We expect to knwo the status of our case by Aug. 3 and then we hope that will give us some direction, in the mean time here is my top ten.

Also the trip to Utah was great, Kami's wedding was perfect, and I am so grateful I got to be there. I am sorry that there are many of you that I didn't get to see, but know I love you.

10. Jusitno got a TV while I was gone. His sister had one that they didn't use. Jaquis sent us out DVD player from Florida, and I have been watching my "Friends" DVD's. makes the apartmet so much fun.
9. It is way cooler than when I left, now about 98 to 100 instead of 120. Also it rained today and the locals here say that this could be the start of the rainy season, which would be great for me I love the rain and it really cools off when it rains.
8. Eva wa an angel on the plane ride home. We got home without incident, except for that Jusiton drove the truck to pick us up and got pulled over by a federal highway patrol for not having a front plate. Then he haggeled with him about the permit we have for having the truck in Mexico, long story shourt it ended up costin us 1000 pesos, which is right about 100 USD. Corrupt bastards, if you pay them enough they let you go. At least it wasn't more than that.
7. Becaseu of the pull over incident, Justino was an hour and a half late picking us up. I didn't panick, Eva and I practiced walking up and down the terminal, but Eva regognized her Daddy immediately, and hasn't wanted to leave his side since.
6. Jusitno said that he had a surprose for me, and he had the whole house full of flowers. It was cool, and we had a wonderful reunion.
5. I was complaining the other day, because all I wanted was a good cookie, which doesn't exsist in this country, and Justino went on a hunt and found oreos. I really meant like some home baked good, but the gesture was so sweet.
4. My back has been out, and we went to see a chiropractor who perscibed three deep tissue massages, the first of which was today. It was pretty nice. THere are some luxuries here. \
3. Eva has taken about three or four steps on her own, but she is way not motivated to do more than that. We are hoping she will be getting around soon.
2. I washed this week at a sister in my ward's house. I was too behind to do it by hand. So how good was that! I got to use a machine. YEAH.
1. Justino is the best, and we are having so much fun being back together. We don't want to be separated, ever again. In the mean time, I hope that you all are cherishing your luxuries, like couches, and carpet, and appliances, warm water. All of which I miss, but will have again soon, I hope. Keep praying for us so that we will be home soon. Love you, Brook

June 12

2007-07-28T23:24:00.000-05:00

Well it has been another eventful one in sunny Mexico, but today I write from Utah.

What a learning experience I am having. Yesterday I cried the whole trip thinking about leaving Justino, and then again really hard when I actually did leave Jusitno. He took me the seven hours on the bus to Mexico City to catch the plane. Then went back. I got done traveling before he did. Anyway, then I felt to happy to be here, and yet like i am in a whole other universe here, where there is no bugs and I tap water won't give you diareha. I am so happy to see everyone I love here,and be in luxurious conditions again. Yesterday in the airport someone I was talking to in Mexico airport commented that I was going home. I thought, well that what it looks like. American girl goes home to america, but instantly I said, no my home is here. Then I realized that home is where my husband is, where we laugh and work and are together. And Eva doesn't really need carpet and a million toys ( even though that is nice ) She just needs two parents who adore her, a daddy who dances with her and makes her laugh all day, and a mommy who loves her daddy, and together they are doing the best to raise her. Anyway, no numbers this time, only my mom's house phone, 2966177, and for ten days I will have my friend Nikki cell, while she goes to peru, 2309400. I would love to hear from you. Brook

Top Ten June 3

2007-07-28T23:19:00.000-05:00

June 3
10. We went to see Spider Man 3 this week. We left Eva with my sister in law's mom ( Griselda's mom) and we went for Jusitno's birthday. It was in Spanish so I was bummed I thought would just be subtitled, but we had a really good date. We both worried about eva and were happy to have her back after the show. It was cheap, 70 pesos for both of us to go the movie and have a drink, peanuts and a snickers bar. That is about $7.

9. Justino tuned 30 years old this week. We went to his sister and made Hibus, crabs. They were really good. We had choir and church things to do that night so we were glad we went to the movie the night before.

8. We went to the ground breaking of a new chapel here. It was really historic. It felt so mission field. The choir sang and I almost passed out while I conducted because of the heat, but nobody knew, and it was ok. The choir was flat and the women sang the mens verse, and I wondered why we even practiced, but the next time will be better. They were acapella and it was really hot, they must have just lost their minds for a minute.

7. Jusitno got a job this week. Don't get too excited. We didn't take it because it was all day Sunday and Saturday, those are the days we work the most for the church. I was so impressed that he turned it down. I know that god will give him something better.

6. He has an interview on Tuesday to work for a major bus lines here called ADO. WE are hopeful. One of the managers lives in our complex and she helped him get the interview. She told us that the money would be really good. We are hopeful that she is right and that the schedule will work out.

5. I woke up one morning this week with a cockroach on my arm and Justino says that I should work in horror movie industry because I have that kind of scream. I fumigated, we are fine now.

4, 3, 2, 1 I AM COMING HOME JUNE 12 UNTIL JULY 11. SO BE EXCITED. I am actually surprised that I am really sad to leave. My callings are going and I am feeling so settled here. I can't believe it. I thought that I would never feel that way. What a blessing this experience has been. I love you all and can't wait to see you

Top Ten May 27

2007-07-28T23:14:00.000-05:00

Top Ten May 27

10. Every night Eva goes to bed, and Justino and I sit on the roof, and talk about the day. The heat has finally calmed, and the night is fresh, and my limbs finally relax after carting eva around all day. We often talk about the things we will do if we ever get back to the States, and the things we will take with us when we go. Every night we just relax, and sometimes I have enough perspective to go outside of my uncertain situation and notice how serene and wonderful these moments are with Justino.

9. Justine’s brother Fernando came from Florida, and on Monday they went to see their sister. I wanted to get caught up on the laundry etc. so they took Eva. I got all my work done in time to have a two hour nap. And I realized that I haven't been all alone, completely all alone, since before Eva was born. In fact I can't even remember the last time that happened. What a treat!!!

8. ON TUESDAY( LAST WEEK) WE GOT AN EMAIL FROM SENATOR HATCH'S OFFICE THAT INCLUDED THE LETTER THAT THEY SENT TO THE ATTORNEY GENERAL'S OFFICE ALONG WITH OUR PACKET. THIS IS A HUGE STEP. WE HAVE BEEN WORKING FOR THIS SINCE FEBRUARY. NOW WE ARE JUST WAITING FOR HIS RESPONSE. TO CELEBRTE JUSTINO AND I WENT TO THE BEACH, CALLED CASITAS, AND ATE DINNER. THERE WERE MARIARCHI'S IN THE RESTERAUNT THAT EVA LOVED, ONE OF THEM EVEN HAD A HARP. FOR JUST A MINUTE WE FELT LIKE THIS IS ONLY A VACTION AND WE MIGHT BE HOME SOON. WE PUT IN APPLICATIONS AT SEVERAL HOTELS ON THE BEACH. THAT WOULDN'T BE BAD RIGHT?!

7. WEDNESDAY WAS RELIEF SOCIETY DAY. A SISTER IN THE WARD NAMED JENNY REALLY PULLED ME TO THIS ACTIVITY AND WE LEARNED HOW TO BEAD PURSES. SHE TOOK ME ON MONDAY AND WE BOUGHT SOME STUFF SO DO IT. I WAS SURPRISED HOW MUCH I LOVED DOING IT AND I REALLY ENJOYED JENNY. SHE IS ABOUT MY AGE, AND HAS KNOW JUSTINO SINCE HE JOINED THE CHURCH. HE DATED HER BEST FRIEND. ANYWAY WE ATE AT HER HOUSE ON SUNDAY. IT IS NICE TO FEEL LIKE A MADE A FRIEND HERE.

6. THRUSDAY I WENT DOWN TOWN ALONE, WITH EVA. WHAT FEAT. I KNOW THAT I, MISS INDEPENDENT SOUND WEAK WHEN I SAY THAT IT IS HARD FOR ME TO GO ALONE, BUT THIS PLACE IS CRAZY. I DON'T KNOW WHERE ANYTHING IS,AND IT ALL LOOKS THE SAME TO ME. I TOOK A TAXI TO THE CLOTH STORE TO BUY MORE BEADS, AND SUCH FOR MY LATEST HOBBY. AND BY THE WAY 25 NEEDELS ARE ONLY 25 CENTS. I COULDN'T BELIEVE THAT.

5. FRIDAY I HAD CHOIR FOR THE FIRST TIME. I HAD A FOUR PART ARRANGEMENT ALL PICKED OUT, SO IMAGINE MY SURPRISE WHEN IN THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES IT BECAME EVIDENT THAT WE WOULD HAVE MADE STRIDES JUST TO SING ON KEY, IN TIME, IN UNISON. THEY DID IT, AND IT WAS REALLY SPRITUAL FOR ME, BECAUSE THEY HAVE LITTLE TALENT BUT INCREDIBLE HEART AND THE FEELING OF THE MUSIC RESONATED WHEN THE PITCH DIDN'T. THEY WERE SO EXCITED. WE ARE SINGING AT SEMINARY GRADUATION AND AT A GROUND BREAKING OF A NEW CHAPEL.

4. SPEAKING OF NEW CHAPEL, THERE IS ONLY ONE HERE IN OUR STAKE AND THE OTHERS ARE CALLED HOUSES OF PRAYER. THE CHURCH BUY HOUSES THAT ARE ALREADY BUILT AND TURNS THEM INTO PLACES OF WORSHIP. WE WENT TO ONE IN TLAPACOYAN, AND I WAS AMAZED AT HOW WELL THEY ADAPTED IT. HOW CREATIVE.

3. EVA HAS HAD A HORRIBLE RASH OVER HER WHOLE BODY, BUT IT IS LOOKING BETTER, AND SHE WILL BE OK

2. I MADE STOVE TOP COOKIES FOR THE SUNDAY SCHOOL CLASS THAT I AM GOING TO BE TEACHING ( ALL YOUTH AGES 12-18) THEY TURNED OUT RUNNY AND THEY WEREN'T SETTING UP. SO MANY TIMES AS I ROLLED THEM OUT I THOUGHT THAT I SHOULD JUST CHUCK THE WHOLE BATCH, BUT DIDN'T BECAUSE I PAID SO MUCH FOR THE INGREDIENTS. I WAS DISCOURAGED, AND LEFT THE UGLY POOLS OF CHOCOLATE OATMEAL ON MY TABLE ALL DAY, HOPING THEY WOULD SET UP. WHEN I FINALLY DECIDED TO CLEAN UP, I STARTED ROLLING THEM INTO BALLS AND PUTTING THEM ON A PLATE. THEY ACTUALLY STARTED TO TAKE SOME FORM. THE KIDS LOVED THEM, AND I THOUGHT THAT THOSE COOKIES ARE LOKE HAVING FAITH. SOMETIMES EVERYTHING FEELS LIKE A HUGE FAILURE, BUT IF I JUST PRESS FORWARD AS IF WASN'T A FAILURE, SOON IT BECOMES AN ENORMOUS SUCCESS.

1. WE ARE STILL ALIVE HERE IN THIS STANGE VERY DIFFERNT COUNTRY. I KNOW THAT THERE IS A REASON FOR IT. PRAY FOR US TO COME HOME SOON. LOVE BROOK

Top Ten May 9

2007-07-28T23:10:00.000-05:00

10. So I love the way tortillas go here. In The United States I made tortillas by hand at least once a day. Sometimes more, here I just send Justino to the corner, and he brings hot fresh tortillas to the table for 5 pesos. that is like 50 cents. IT IS SO GREAT. At least in that way life here is easier.
9. Eva is really starting to do good here. I have decided that she is just going to be dirty a lot, and so I put her on the floor. She is crawling a lot, and eating a lot of bugs, but she is getting so big, and she is a lot happier. Although she still wakes up about three times a night we are doing better with her ( Mollie, do you have any advice) Justino has started calling her Barbie, because she has the cutest clothes in Mexico thanks to her aunt Jaquis, who sends her SO MANY CLOTHES.
8. I am finally feeling better. I got WAY WAY sick on Saturday, and I threw up all night, and all day Sunday. That sucked, but I am fine now.
7. ON Sunday we got officially called in our new callings. I don’t know if I wrote about this last week, so forgive me if this is a repeat. Jusitno is now the Sunday School teacher, Ward mission leader, a counselor in the stake young mens, and a counselor in the branch young mens. I am stake music coordinator. They want me to teach the five branches in the stake to lead the music and teach some of the members that have some piano skills to play the hymns. Also they want a stake choir, which I will organize, and also I am training another sister to direct the choir when I leave. I am also in the Young Womans in the branch and of course the branch pianist. In our interviews they really focused for Jusitno and I both to train the members here how the programs should work. there is such little leadership here.
6. Frankie Morales, is the high counselor who did our interviews. WHAT AN AMAZING MAN. he is amazing. He has really befriended us. He came to our house Sunday to tell us that we needed to go early to the church and he saw that I was sick. He helped Jusitno give me a blessing. On Monday he knew that I was still sick and so he drove to our house again to bring us the info of the doctor where he takes his family. He invited us to go to his house, and his wife cooked. that was a good brake for me. It was really cool where he lives and that was also nice. Then he told us that his mother is dying and that he was sending his wife to be with her, and that he had to travel for his work, but that he wanted us to have a key to his house so we could come and have a place to relax if we needed it. He opened his wallet and gave us his key. I was really touched. He was a bright spot in my week .
5. We went to a parade on 5 de Mayo, all the elementary schools march. it is so cute. The girls have tambourines and the boys play the drums. Eva was mesmerized. We had a great time.
4. We went to Tlpacoyan to see one of Jusitno´s aunts and send her a gift from Jaquis. It has been really fun to meet all of Justino´s family here.
3. I tasted coconut milk right out a coconut at Jusitno´s sisters house. Her husband picked one up and cut it in half with a machete, and I drank it. It wasn’t that good.
2. A sister in the ward invited me to wash at her house. She has a washing machine, so I got to wash my comforter. IT was so dirty. I am getting so good at washing by hand, I do it Monday Wednesday and Friday. I feel so tough when I do it. ITS AWESOME:
1. Jusitno is really taking care of me. This has been such a struggle and I have really had to rely on him. Let s be real, THAT IS SO HARD FOR ME. But it is so good for us. Keep praying that we will come home soon. I love you all. Brook

Top Ten May 9

2007-07-28T23:07:00.000-05:00

10. we went to my first Quincera, this week. It is when a girl turns 15, they consider it her coming of age, and they have what looks exactly like a wedding reception. We went to the catholic mass that they had for her, the whole church was decked out in flowers, and she comes in dressed in what looked like a pink wedding dress with four escorts, and her god parents. they had all these tables set up in the street, and a huge meal. They also had a DJ, it was so cool.. But then in the middle of the dinner it rained really hard, and everybody ran in the houses. It was so sad, because everything got ruined. when it stopped a bunch of us went outside and stripped the tables and chairs, and threw away all the food, and wiped off all the tables. One of the ladies said to Jusitno that she couldn’t believe that I was such a worker. PLEASE, just because I am white doesn’t mean that I am weak. Then one of the sisters had the is attack, she fell on the floor, and couldn’t breath. Justino gave her a powerful blessing and she was ok. Then we all stood up and kept partying.
9. Eva is doing better the truck has helped and the AC. the trick is not letting her get to hot. I bathe her four times a day to keep her cool.
8. Justino was called to be the stake young men’s first counselor, and I am the stake music coordinator. They want me to focus on choirs and teaching the people how to lead the music and play the hymns.
7. On Monday it was The Day of the Child, a national holiday apparently. Anyway Justino and I celebrated with Eva by buying Horchata, a rice based drink, and hotdogs in the street. We ha a lot of fun.
6. We went to the beach last night and bought fish from a lady that cooks it right on the beach, it was so tasty. and it was so nice and cool by the water it was such a treat.
5. The weirdest thing I have ever seen is that they sell milk in a box here, and it doesn’t have to go in the fridge until you open it. How do they do that?
4. I found out about Wednesday night street market where they sell awesome produce, called the barateros. It was so fun, and cheap.
3. Justino has been interviewing and for a job with Bimbo, a bread co, all week. We really thought that he was going to get it, but they told him today that he didn’t. PRAY FOR US. WE NEED A JOB IN MARTINEZ. OR feel free to send money with my mom, she is coming to see us on the 11 of May. Remember Justino´s bday is on the 30th, send him a gift! ( just kidding, kind of)
2. I drove here!!!! Sounds like nothing, but really I could have been killed. There are no street rules here, I can’t believe I don’t die every time I get in the car. People are crazy here. Jusitno fits right in.
1. Eva is going to die. According to all these Mexican wives tales, she is doomed. The following are some of my favorites,
a. If I give her a cold drink on a hot day.
b. If the wind blows on here on a hot day, like as if she could be cold in the country!!!
c. If she eats grapes that I haven’t peeled
d. If someone looks at her really hard, it could make her sick, and I should put a red thread on her ankle and on her wrist to protect her.
e. If I take her in a cemetery, to see Justino´s mother’s grave, she will get pocessed and die.
Can you believe I haven’t killed her yet? Please, I am so sick of hearing about what a negligent mother I am because I don’t believe in the CRAP. Anyway, Love you all Brook

Top Ten April 23ish

2007-07-28T21:25:00.000-05:00

10. We went to meet Justino´s aunt Eufrasia. She is his dad´s sister. She is like four feet and so wrinkley that you can barely see her eyes. She looks like someone out of National Geographic. Long grey hair and no front tooth. She was happy to she us, and she insisted that she feed us, so we followed outside to this shack where she has a kitchen. She cooks over a fire. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Then she walked outside and kills a chicken WITH HER BARE STINKING HANDS; broke its neck. Then she puts it in a bucket in the sink in her shack, and plucks it and washes it, and then cuts it up and an hour or so later we ate it in a soup.- I was floored. Speaking of floors she has dirt floors. Everything is up on bricks, like the beds and some really humble couches that she had. She had chicken and turkeys and pigs and ducks and dogs, and eva was in heaven.
9. After we met Tia Frasia, we met Justino´s mother’s mother. She is 95. She is a dear. Lives with Jusino´s mothers only brother, who was also named Guadalupe. can you imagine having two children and naming them both Guadalupe? I would get confused. They fed us again, I was stuffed.
8. Eva is sleeping a little better, at least at night. Although she never sleeps for more than 20 minutes in the day. I think that it must be because she is in the middle of everything, and the dogs and the roosters never stop, not to mention the neighbor’s music. Anyway, she is going to sleep without a bottle which is a big deal to me, I don’t have to feed her to sleep. The nights have improved hopefully the days will to.
7. I am learning a lot about how spoiled kids are in the US. Justino´s niece that is eight years old taught me how to cook over a fire; she chops the wood, builds the fire, and knows how to manage the heat. We fried bananas for Justino, they were so good.
6. We found a guy that Brer Baptized in Minnesota, Justino Bastien Mota. he is form here, and he is back. We had an awesome time with him, he lives in Arroyo Hondo by Julia.
5. I went to see Justino´s dad´s cows, They are in the mountains, It was cool, and eva loved it.
4. I had tamales on Sunday with another uncle of Justino. We are eating really good here.
3. I am battling cockroaches still, and found one in eva´´s clothes. It freaked me out, so I kicked some organization but today, and there is not one thing one the floor of the closet.
2. The missionaries are eating at our house this week and it is so nice to be able to cook for them. I finally am established enough to do so. YEAH
1. I really think that this whole mess has been to make me rely on Justino, I am so helpless here. In the united states, I could need him or not. I guess that is the perk/vice of being a capable independent woman, but it has been so good for our relationship. Now if we could just get eva on board with this Mexican adventure. In the mean time, pray and fast, we want to come home soon. I love you all BATG

Top Ten April 16, 2007

2007-07-28T21:17:00.000-05:00

Top Ten April 16, 2007

10. I learned how to wash by hand this week. My neighbor taught me. What a process, but I have never had whiter cleaner clothes. I thought that the bus ride made me a real Mexican, no this did it.
9. There is little Chihuahua dog that lives on the roof of our apartment building and his name is Tommy; he is eva´s new best friend.
8. I got a stove!!!
7. I got a fridge, it was broken, but it got fixed; now all we have to do is get the cockroaches out of it and we will be in business, we will finally be able to eat at home. What a hassle it has been to feed eva with out access to a functional kitchen.
6. On Wednesday it got so hot that we decided to go to Jalapa, the capitol of Vera Cruz, because it is cooler there. Eva had a rash all over her face because of the heat. We also decided that we should apply for some work there, so we went. Eva got sick on the four hour bus ride through the windy mountain roads, and then threw up all over me and her blanket, which was catastrophic, because she loves that blanket, and we had to take it away from her. We stunk pretty badly. We stayed in Jalapa till Saturday. Besides the sick baby, we had a great time. She got better as we got there, we stayed with some of justino´s friends and they even had a crib, what a bonus.
5. They let me put eva in the nursery at church here. I guess Mexicans don’t care about the 18 month rule. I enjoyed church like I haven’t in so long. We belong to a branch, there were only 24 people there, and I counted. It was really spiritual, I had a great Sunday.
4. after church we came to see Justino´s sister Julia, she is so good to us and we feel so at home with her.
3. Justino´s brothers are coming today, which means in a matter of hours I will have a car, a pillow and a crib for eva, and so many luxuries, that I thought were necessities until I moved here.
2. My feet are healing. I have about 30 bug bites on every foot, under my toes, and up my ankles. They like white meat here I guess. Julia is a nurse and she treated my very swollen feet.
1. There is a lady that passes by our house every morning selling fresh squeezed orange juice. It is a liter for a dollar. IT IS AWESOME. The morning is sweet, we are doing well, and everything is ok. Thanks for your love and prayers. Brook

LADY TINY POOF OF BOOTIFULNESS

2007-07-28T17:09:00.000-05:00

Have you seen cuter child ever? I mean really how cute is she eating pineapple on the bed, and spagetti in here chair, and playing. She hasn't suffered on minute here in Mexico.

Apartment Tour

2007-07-21T20:13:00.000-05:00

This is our truck. We don't have a name, if you think of a good one let us know. Justino's brothers sold out white pickup and bought this for us with money, and brought it to us in May.

SO here is our place. We start the tour looking at the apartment buiding from the street. We go in the small door on the right, and the whole big red gate opens and cars can pull in. THe next pic is just inside the door, we go up the stairs to our place. Then we see our front door, open the door and see into the kitchen.

Eva sleeps in the kitchen, and we have a lovely little table. Notice the box holding the pots and pans under the play stove, two burners and no oven, that is run by gas and I have to light with a match every time. And what do you think of our rusty old fridge. This was the first fridge that Justino's mother ever owned, the first and only. Her boys bought it for her twenty years ago after they had moved to the states. We are grateful, and proud to announce that it is no longer full of cockroaches,as it was when we got it out of storage. THe sink is next to our only set of cabinets, and we uses boxes inside them to organize.

Leaving the kitchen, through a small door at the head of Eva's crib heads you into the bedroom, And you can see that from the bedroom you can head into the bathroom. The night stand is actually our air conditioner box, covered in a sheet. I am continuously proud of how creative I am at making furniture out of cardboard.

The Bathroom is starndard, but notice the luxuries, shower curtain and a toilet seat. Both a rare entity here in most bathrooms I have visited. Also though it appears to have two nobs for hot and cold water, the truth is, it is always cold.

Now for the best part. My mexican washing machine. Know here as a lavadero, basically you tank of water and a nice concrete scrub board. The dyer is the lines you see, and you would be amazed at the art that it is to wash by hand. I have learned that clothes dont' even know clean until they have been washed by hand, and Mexican woman can ring them until they are nearly dry. ALso there is an art to hanging them up. They don't use clothes pins, they separate the wound twine on the line, and hang the clothes inside. Unless you have wrung the clothes out really good, they get heavy and it is a real trick to be able to use the whole line before it gets to tight to open up and continue hanging the clothes. anyway, although I am excited to have a washer again some day, I think that I would like to have a lavadero too, so that I can have the best of both worlds.

Life is Rosy South of the Border

2007-07-17T20:16:00.000-05:00

Our Mexican adventure has definately been alot like this beautiful rose bush that Justino had waiting for Brook when she first arrived in Mexico in April of 2007 with one slight difference. This amazing plant is at first glance breathtaking, smells wonderful, and what an amazing sweet gesture from husband to wife. The beauty is the most obvious. That was not so with as our jouney here began. We could accutely feel the thorny nature as we were thrust into this after the immigration hearing February 7, 2007. We told the truth, and did the right thing, and expected that to protect us from the more harsh life style here. We were trusting and undereducated about the laws surrounding immigration, and so we are here. We found solace before our hearing that after the ruling we would at least be freed from the haunting uncertainty of future. We thought for sure that we would at leasy know what the next year would hold. Instead the uncertainty grew and like the dark soil around the rose, our future became only more muddy. But now five months after the wound was ripped open we are beginning to see the blossoms, and understand why God planted us here. What an experience! How blessed we have been to have this time to spend together, with our Eva. We have been able to serve our church and strengthen out faith. Our marriage is stronger and we are better parents. Who knew that living in third world conditions could bring such sweet fruit. There are still days when our focus falls to the lower part of the rose, and we allow the thorns to prick our finger as we struggle to reach the blossom again, but how can we deny that as prickly as this has been, we have been blessed by being here. We have learned to always stop and smell the roses.