Shoes

So I washed ALL of my shoes tonight, by hand with lots of soap and water. I don't know if it's just me, but I have never washed my shoes before. In the states, maybe I would wipe them off with a wet cloth if they got spilled on, but they never called out to me, that they really needed to be washed. I once said that living here was like camping in hell. At the time I was being dramatic and rash, and mostly trying to make a point about a heat here ( it truly gets at least as hot has hell here, if not hotter) but that statement was more prophetic that I knew. The point about the heat was accurate, but the camping wasn't that far off. Think of how muddy and dusty your shoes get when you camp. I don't know why it never occurred to me to notice how filthy my shoes were getting, but it only makes sense. Most roads here are dirt, so it is just dusty and muddy and just dirtier than the states, and when I looked at my shoes, I mean REALLY looked at my shoes, I was SHOCKED!

So I pulled out the toothbrush that we never use, and the brush I use to scrub jeans by hand, and really went to town on my shoes. Not just the plastic ones, not just the cloth ones, the leather and the suede, I submerged them all, and scrubbed more dirt off them than I even knew was there. It was a sophisticatedkind dirt that had joined with the sweat of my feet ( are you disgusted? I was.) to form a film of I don't even know what, that accumulated so gradually that I didn't even notice that it was happening. When I started scrubbing and saw what came off, I almost stopped breathing. How was I walking around in such filth without even noticing?

Well they are clean now, all hanging neatly in a row. The whole ordeal made me think. I washed 15 pairs of shoes. Most of my neighbors have ONE pair of shoes. The worst part isn't even the 15. It's the 30 pairs, at least, that I left in Florida, and the other probably 20 that are at my mothers in Utah. Ok, so I have too many shoes, and I should be donating them to all the people here who don't have any. AND it made me think about what different mentality I had before I moved to Mexico. I didn't even know how disposable I thought everything was. NEVER would it have occurred to me to wash leather jesus cruiser sandals after wearing them until they made my feet stink, and looked so worn out. I would have just bought new shoes. Well tonight, I washed these OLD suckers up, and they will still go another ten thousand miles. I have had them for like six years already, but they will still go. Things are more washable than I ever thought.

So tonight I had a good time washing shoes on the roof, hanging them on the line with clothes pins, and watching life be reborn into shoes that have given more than any shoes I have ever owned and loving that they still have lots more to give.

I guess that is what it is all about. Learning to go in ways you never thought you could. Giving after you thought you were spent. Pretty applicable, since we found out two days ago that our appeal to the denial of our visa, was indefinitely denied. Our small window of hope of going home before ten years is up was closed by Mr. Chertoff in the department of Homeland Security, despite Senator Hatch's many efforts in our behalf. So now unless the house and the senate pass some reform that will help us, we are looking at the next nine years in Mexico. So not the outcome I expected. I am surprising peaceful. What can we do? Just wash our shoes and keep walking.

Something is Missing

Yesterday it was obvious that something important was missing. There was evidence all over. Like the batteries stayed in the remote controls all day. I put my purse on a low chair when I came in and my keys on the table and they stayed there. I picked up the things on the floor in the morning and by night time the floor was still clean. I drank a coke and I didn't have to hide it. I was out past ten and it was ok. I sat in a religion class with no toys or books or noise, just notes and thoughts and insights. Yes, yesterday was strange, something was definitely missing.
I was teary all day about what was missing. Just the thought of it, set me off. I didn't know exactly how to be. Everyone kept telling me how nice it was to have a break from all that was missing, and in truth, the night's rest with no interruption was bliss, and the lack of luggage that I had to carry yesterday made me feel light, but even still something very important was missing.

I sent Eva to States on Tues, with my wonderful friends Kami and Nikki who came to visit for the weekend. We had a delightful three days that filled my soul in ways that I can't even articulate. They are the kind of friends that are more like extensions of my soul than other people. They took her to my mother. I was undecided until the very last minute about sending her, but it really was the logical choice. I have to drive our truck out of Mexico before April 1, because the Mexican government won't let us keep it here anymore. Justino's dad has to go to the border on March 6 for his visa interview, and needs us to go and help him, so the logical answer is go to the border with the dad, and then take the truck to Utah, since more than two thirds of the journey will be done by the time we get to Ciudad Juarez for his interview. My dad is coming to the border to drive back to Utah with me. Then I will get Eva, see a doctor for this pregnancy since I haven't yet and I am almost 5 months along, and then head back down here to be with Justino for two months before I go back to the states, the first of June to stay until the baby is born in July. I knew Eva couldn't make that 50 hour car ride without screaming herself right to death, so I sent her and now there is something really missing around. It's her. Life is not the same without my Eva.

One Year Ago

One year ago at this time I was still in shock by verdict of an eight hour day at the American Embassy in Ciudad Juarez. I don't think it really hit me until the next morning. I just couldn't really comprehend that they said no visa. Not only no visa, but no visa for ten years. Not only no visa for ten years, but no visa for ten years and no option for a pardon. ( which is always the case in a situation like ours) No, there was no place in my mind for that reality. The next morning, at 4am, I got up and got in taxi by myself. Justino got in taxi behind mine. His went south to the airport in Juarez where he flew to Martinez de la Torre, where we currently live. Mine went North to El Paso Texas, and flew to Florida to get our baby. When I was in line at the airport my cell phone rang. He said, " I am going to lose you, did you make it Texas?" "Yes" I said, " I made it, I am here" he said. " I had to know that you made to Texas...." and the line went dead.
In that moment, the reality engulfed me and cried all the way to Florida. Hysterical angry tears, that somewhere, someone, made some law that could rip my family apart.

One year later we are together again. We had no idea that one year ago we would step onto a path that would change our lives forever. We still don't know the end of the story, but we know a few things now that we didn't know before. We know how much it means for us to be together, and we will never take it for granted again. We know how blessed we were to live in the states, and how luxurious our lives were, even though we were poor college students. We know how important our extended family is, our parents and siblings. We know people here in Martinez that have been such true friends to us, that we will forever be better people for having known them. We know that their is a God in Heaven that has a plan for our lives, as strange as it seems sometimes. I wonder what we will say in another year. Where will we be? What will we know? I guess that is what life is all about, one year after another, one lesson learned after another... I can't believe it was one year ago.