July

so I am walking around in a total apethitic fog as far as christmas goes. It doesn't feel at all like the season to me. I see evidence all around me that it is, but I don't feel it. I am not shopping for gifts, because my kids are too young to know the difference, and because I am watching every pesos that leaves my pocket. I am not decorating my house, I need furniture, before I need christmas decorations I don't have any room to store the rest of the year. Mostly I think the real topper is that it is 90 degrees. I am a Utah girl. No snow equals July.

I have been thinking about what I want holidays to mean for our family. We went over to some friends house the othe night and she shared a story about Christmas with us. It was all about serving her fellowmen, and loving and giving and all the things that Chistmas should mean. Nothing about gifts or bows or trees, or an of the bu-ya that is everywhere.

I don't want to be a humbug and I don't really feel like I am, I just want this season to be about what it is about. A baby in a manger who was born with the cows and the pigs and the sheep. Not in some perfectly decortated palace. There were gifts, but they were few and meaningful, instead of trite because they were given because everyboy else was doing it, or because there were so many that nothing seemed special. The big deal was not about how beautiful the manger was or the party the shepherds had over the whole thing, but really about the life that the child grew to have. A life of loving and giving and serving and saving others from there hurts and their fears and their sins.

And that is a big deal to me, because I hurt a little every day, and I am afraid a little everyday. I am sure I hurt my children a little everyday, because everyday I feel less and less capable as a mother every day. And I know that I am not a perfect wife, or friend or daughter or sister. And everyday I look inside my own soul and see my flaws and feel my weaknesses, and feel such a deep need for some help. And when I think about a person who was born just to offer me that help and someone who has the power over the things I am so powerless over, I truly want to celebrate His birth and His life.

And as I write this, it occurs to me that the way he helps me and lifts me and is a part of my life is so sacred and private and personal to me, that it seems obvious why all the hoop-la that comes with the season doesn't reflect that relationship. And it makes me realize that the way I need to celebrate this season is going to be just as personal and individual to me as my realtionship to Him is.

And as for the pomp and the majesty all around, I can enjoy it. Lots of it is really fun. And the peace of my season will come in my own quiet moments. Hopefully I will be able to fill my own spiritual resovoir, so that when it really is July it will feel like Christmas in my heart.

Merry Christmas Everyone. I love you