So my mother has been visiting. That has been a dream in itself. Sam wakes up at 5am, and she is up anyway, so I go back to bed. She tended the kids last Saturday for 20 hours while we took the long journey to Merida to go to the temple. She doens't stop cleaning my house or baking or sewing or something all the time. She fixed my broken couch and Eva's broken bed. Mostly it is so fun to be with her and hang out with her, and not be so lonely all day. It has been so nice. Anyway....
So last night we went to see some members of our church, Romina and Gonzalo, do this music and Tango show at a local resteraunt. They are from Argentina and they are seriously living the dream. They love music and dance and they came here to make a living doing what they love. They are very talented, Romina's voice sounds like velvet reeses peanut butter cups, only yummier. WOW, she is so good. Gonzalo plays the guitar while she sings, and then they dance the tango, this slow passionate beautiful dance. Movement that is truly captivating. I sat there thinking, that I don't do what I love anymore.
I never play the piano. Just for the record Hymns in church do not count as playing the piano, even though I do that every week. I miss having that spiritual and emotional connection to a masterpiece of music and feeling like I have experienced the emotions the composer felt when the masterpiece was created. I loved wondering what life experiences generated those emotions for Beethoven, or Chopin or Debussy. Music is magic because even though the afore mentioned masters lived in different times and different parts of the world, they felt the same feelings that you and I feel, only they had the incredible talent to capture that emotion in a musical snapshoy, that is as vivid hundreds of years later as it was when it was just brand new.
My music was a conquest, something I could dominate and work hard to achieve. I was so good at it. I don't do anything I am good at anymore. I am not good at crocheting, even though I have tried doing that lately. I am not good at scarf making, another pass time of late. I am not a good mother, or a good wife. I am not dedicated to really anything. I just get through the days. I decided last night that such complacency is simply unaceptable. I have got to learn to love what I do, and also do what I love. I am in charge of my own reality, and if I make it empty and meaningless well then what do I expect?
3 comments:
Okay girl, 30 days of beauty. Check out my blog. I had forgotten to find beauty and I had to make a conscious effort. I'm about 3/4 of the way through. Now, you do too! If you don't write about it, at least FIND it. Plus, if you can't find it, create it! I mean it. Anyway, you rock, and you do a great deal for others, appreciate yourself!! Sorry I'm so positive....I do have many days of self doubt and confusion too. Hang in there.
Blah Blah Blah!!! "I'm not a good mother, I'm not a good wife" All I have to say about that is blah blah blah!!! I think every wife and mother have been trained to say that sentence. I know you are a fabulous mother and a great wife. Every once in a while you just need to take a look at your beautiful ankle! BROOK ANN THE GREAT - it says it all. You are great, Brook! I love you and your Mexi-Brook kids and husband! Don't you forget it, woman!
we'll if your willing to stand by your man threw what might seem like hell at times, and carry his babies, how can you be a bad wife and mom? HELLO your not! I think your perfectly normal! I bet it has been nice to have a break, with your mom there. Don't you just love our moms?
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