Loving the toddler years

So today I took a break. I walked away even though I could hear Eva crying for me, and told my self that her dad could calm her down. I walked to the park and finished reading a book called Augusta Gone by Martha Tod Dudman. Martha tells the story of her struggles as a mother as her daughter battles with drugs. ( Many thanks to Dolly and Jill who sent me books to read, YEAH!) Although I had similar struggles as Augusta as a teen, the voice of her mother was the one that stuck familiar chords in my heart. Not because my toddler has ever done drugs, or told me she hates me, but all I could think of the whole time, was what will I do if my Eva ever chooses that path? What can I possibly do to protect her from all the wrong that is in the world. I have the best mother on earth, and I choose that path for some time. In part my mother was what brought me back from those dark places I lived for some years, but then there is just a part of it all that none of us had any control or part of. It was just gift from God.

Sitting in that park I felt an urgency to get home and see her, and hug her. I felt an urgency to never fight with her dad ( even though he though he has a laundry disorder and can't wash our sheets with Eva's blanket, and he lies about it, and wastes time and water and drives me crazy) I don't want to ever lose my patience with her, and I don't want to ever raise my voice at her. I want to make her childhood perfect and happy so she won't have any wounds or any need to self medicate, but in the final analysis, I know I have no control over the choices she will make. What a humbling thought.

When I came home she was outside playing and came running to me and I hugged her and she hugged me back and kissed me and let her cheek stay next to mine the whole time I carried her upstairs. Today I am so grateful that my baby girl is a baby and she still loves me. I will have to remember these days when her teenage mental retardation sets in. I am not excited about those years. It was good for me to get into perspective her constant whining for me to hold her, and getting cookie crumbs all over the bed and the floor right after I sweep, and I don't even know where she got the cookie. I am home and it doesn't even bother me that she is hanging on my arms as I type this, I am just so glad she isn't on drugs. I also don't think being in the park alone for two hours hurt either.

Happy Aniversary

January 10 was our anniversary. Four years married. Seems like longer, and shorter because it feels like we've always been together, but the wedding seems like yesterday. These are the flowers that he sent me. Aren't they beautiful? I love that produce and flowers are extremely cheap here. I mean look at this arrangement, He would pay at least one hundred dollars for this in the states. He wouldn't tell me what he paid, but I know it wasn't $100.
I think as a couple we have been the most united this year. Sometimes I wonder what Justino sees in me. I am a mean, fat old looking lady who doesn't like to do the dishes, and rarely makes the bed. He is always, almost always, so kind to me, and genuinely takes care of me. It still baffles me in a way. Then I think, I followed his ass clear to Mexico. He better love me. He better love me so much. The best part is that he does.

Ark Builders

So it has been a blessed day. We found a place that will rent us movies. Justino brought home movie, popcorn, and a small bag of M&M's and a coke. If you eat a small handful popcorn while you still have chewed up M&M's in your mouth it is the most exquisite taste in the world, that followed by a swig of coke... Well there just isn't a more perfect snack trio. Justino some how knew I have this funny food fetish while watching movies and I couldn't believe that he even knew, let alone remembered or thought of providing me with my favorite movie treat. He just laughed and said, We have been seeing movies together for a while now. The best part was that they aren't pirated copies, like most DVD's here, so we could watch it in English.

We rented Evan Almighty and Oceans 13. We watched Evan Almighty, and all be it cheesy religious humor, We both loved it because we feel like God is asking us to something just as impossible as build an ark with no modern tools, while barefoot and with the help of many exotic animals, here in Martinez de la Torre. I saw it in the states when I visited in June, and at that time thought, hmmm, cute show, nice message. Today it struck such a different chord as we are one month away from being a whole year into this mess.

The leading man, Evan, US Senator, visited by god and told to build an ark because there is a flood coming. Suddenly he can't shave his beard, it won't come off. His hair is growing several inches a day, and God has replaced his suits with flowing robes that he has no other choice but to wear. We feel like God is asking us to things just as ridiculous as stand up in the United States Senate and announce that in the middle of a drought there is a flood coming and that we need to build an ark, with a long beard and a gauzy set of robes. We have unusual absurdities in our life , just like strange animals in pairs following us on to capitol hill. In several places in the movie he looks to the heavens with the attitude I have which is, " Are you kidding me God?" At one point near the end when there is blistering sun and the city has sent a wrecking ball to demolish his ark he rolls his eyes and says, " A little precipitation, is that too much to ask?" His tone echoes my sentiments exactly.

There was also the nice morale about family unity. The wife, thinking her husband has totally lost it, leaves him. Then she comes back and says, " We got into this as a family, we will get out of this as a family. Side by side"

Of course in the end, it is a miracle and Evan is a hero and saves the day on capitol hill, and everybody is happy. Then he chats one last time with God, and Evan says, " you knew all along" and God says something about doing everything he does because he loved him, and Evan says,
"But I fought you the whole time" and God says, " Yes, but you did it" So it ends, and I look at Justino and say, what part are we at, are we still building or are we just standing on the ark waiting for the flood. Who could know. God is the only one, but we are still here, side by side, working on some part of our own ark, and hoping it floats when God finally decides to send the flood. It seems sunny but we are hoping for rain real soon.

Announcing a new year, and the word NO

Well, it happened. 2007 is gone. GOOD RIDDANCE! BE GONE! Here comes 2008, the year of the United States. We are coming home this year, legally or illegally, we are not going to be here another year. A baby is coming this year, to be born in the United States, in clean safe hospitals, where no one will be taking for granted the blessing of what it means to be born an American citizen. Good things are coming this year.

I have no resolutions. This is an absolute first for me, usually I am the type to be spinning around thinking of reasons I am inadequate and having big intentions to become the perfect woman I imagine in my head. Such a fantasy no longer plagues me. 2008 here I come, fat, ungrateful, unhumble, and without even a shred of energy to care or even want to change. Just ready for the good things coming this year. They are coming, I am sure of it.

We spent New Years with the same friends that we spent Christmas with. The couple from New York went home on the 30, because their baby got sick. I think the party left with them. It was much more mellow, still nice, but much more quiet fun than Christmas Eve. By 11p.m. we had danced, mostly Eva had danced and we had eaten, and wimped out and went to bed. Justino went back to join the party, but Eva and I slept right through the new year. I think my favorite part of the festivities was before we went to the party. SEABISCUIT was on TV, in Spanish, but still. We watched it was a family, and ate the appetizers I made for the party. I made chicken broccoli casserole and put it on french bread. It tasted divine.

The Mexicans have a funny custom that they dress up like an old man and sing and dance. The old man signifies the old year about to die. They go door and people give them a few pesos. Eva is scared to death of the mask they wear, and as a result she has learned to say no. When the old man comes dancing she cries and screams, NO! NO! I am with you Eva, no more 2007. 2008 here we come.
Happy New Year!