So today I took a break. I walked away even though I could hear Eva crying for me, and told my self that her dad could calm her down. I walked to the park and finished reading a book called Augusta Gone by Martha Tod Dudman. Martha tells the story of her struggles as a mother as her daughter battles with drugs. ( Many thanks to Dolly and Jill who sent me books to read, YEAH!) Although I had similar struggles as Augusta as a teen, the voice of her mother was the one that stuck familiar chords in my heart. Not because my toddler has ever done drugs, or told me she hates me, but all I could think of the whole time, was what will I do if my Eva ever chooses that path? What can I possibly do to protect her from all the wrong that is in the world. I have the best mother on earth, and I choose that path for some time. In part my mother was what brought me back from those dark places I lived for some years, but then there is just a part of it all that none of us had any control or part of. It was just gift from God.
Sitting in that park I felt an urgency to get home and see her, and hug her. I felt an urgency to never fight with her dad ( even though he though he has a laundry disorder and can't wash our sheets with Eva's blanket, and he lies about it, and wastes time and water and drives me crazy) I don't want to ever lose my patience with her, and I don't want to ever raise my voice at her. I want to make her childhood perfect and happy so she won't have any wounds or any need to self medicate, but in the final analysis, I know I have no control over the choices she will make. What a humbling thought.
When I came home she was outside playing and came running to me and I hugged her and she hugged me back and kissed me and let her cheek stay next to mine the whole time I carried her upstairs. Today I am so grateful that my baby girl is a baby and she still loves me. I will have to remember these days when her teenage mental retardation sets in. I am not excited about those years. It was good for me to get into perspective her constant whining for me to hold her, and getting cookie crumbs all over the bed and the floor right after I sweep, and I don't even know where she got the cookie. I am home and it doesn't even bother me that she is hanging on my arms as I type this, I am just so glad she isn't on drugs. I also don't think being in the park alone for two hours hurt either.
4 comments:
Those terrible two's before you know it they will be gone, and they will be teen's and pushing your limit's and you will remember the terrible two's and wish they were back again. You need to make time for yourself!! It will keep your sanity. Take it from me a mom of 2 kids.
Oh how I love to read your blog! I'm just so there with you so much of the time! :) Xander has started making this noise whenever he wants anything. It's a cross between a fog horn and a growl. And it's loud. Very Loud. Headache loud. Hear it over the TV, dishwasher, washing machine, dryer AND the freeway. And then I realize, Wow, I have a TV, dishwasher, washer and dryer (and can hear them all because they're practically stacked on top of each other!) Okay, see how I got the whining in there with the being greatful? But taking time for yourself is the key. I'm just such a pro at it too. I let myself get in the car to go to the library all by myself before I remembered half a dozen things that I *had* to do right then so I got back out of the car and went right back into the insanity. But when the feeble sinues of sanity are ready to snap, I get out on my own and remember that I'm a human being again. I love you Brook. Chin up! Dolly
I know, it's so important to me that she be healthy and happy. I worry about letting her out in the world.
It's so good that you take time for yourself. It will save your sanity. The laundry disorder is funny but then again, I don't have to live with it. It IS hard to imagine the teenage years. I just want Jay to be ten forever....okay, maybe even seven. He talks back way more than I did at ten. It's his TONE that makes me crazy. And he's a really good guy! I guess they all go through it. We did, huh!?
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