My Cute Kids

July

so I am walking around in a total apethitic fog as far as christmas goes. It doesn't feel at all like the season to me. I see evidence all around me that it is, but I don't feel it. I am not shopping for gifts, because my kids are too young to know the difference, and because I am watching every pesos that leaves my pocket. I am not decorating my house, I need furniture, before I need christmas decorations I don't have any room to store the rest of the year. Mostly I think the real topper is that it is 90 degrees. I am a Utah girl. No snow equals July.

I have been thinking about what I want holidays to mean for our family. We went over to some friends house the othe night and she shared a story about Christmas with us. It was all about serving her fellowmen, and loving and giving and all the things that Chistmas should mean. Nothing about gifts or bows or trees, or an of the bu-ya that is everywhere.

I don't want to be a humbug and I don't really feel like I am, I just want this season to be about what it is about. A baby in a manger who was born with the cows and the pigs and the sheep. Not in some perfectly decortated palace. There were gifts, but they were few and meaningful, instead of trite because they were given because everyboy else was doing it, or because there were so many that nothing seemed special. The big deal was not about how beautiful the manger was or the party the shepherds had over the whole thing, but really about the life that the child grew to have. A life of loving and giving and serving and saving others from there hurts and their fears and their sins.

And that is a big deal to me, because I hurt a little every day, and I am afraid a little everyday. I am sure I hurt my children a little everyday, because everyday I feel less and less capable as a mother every day. And I know that I am not a perfect wife, or friend or daughter or sister. And everyday I look inside my own soul and see my flaws and feel my weaknesses, and feel such a deep need for some help. And when I think about a person who was born just to offer me that help and someone who has the power over the things I am so powerless over, I truly want to celebrate His birth and His life.

And as I write this, it occurs to me that the way he helps me and lifts me and is a part of my life is so sacred and private and personal to me, that it seems obvious why all the hoop-la that comes with the season doesn't reflect that relationship. And it makes me realize that the way I need to celebrate this season is going to be just as personal and individual to me as my realtionship to Him is.

And as for the pomp and the majesty all around, I can enjoy it. Lots of it is really fun. And the peace of my season will come in my own quiet moments. Hopefully I will be able to fill my own spiritual resovoir, so that when it really is July it will feel like Christmas in my heart.

Merry Christmas Everyone. I love you

I don't know what to call this

So while I have glimpses of this peaceful paradoxical zen like feeling about living in the realxed tranquil paradise I find myself in, I am struggling to be motivated. I am thinking, and hoping that it is due in large part to the extreme pain shooting down my left leg I keep thinking that I am getting better, but I'm not, or it seems that I am not. If my lack of verve is due to this pain then that is good news because I will eventually be free from this pain, I am some what confindent that all be it slow as tar, I am healing. So maybe someday I will be pain free and eager to wash dishes and mop floors, and dust cielings fans and do laundry and hang up laundry and fold laundry and then do it all again. I might want to make the bed once in a while or scrub the tub or the toilet. I don't want to do ANYTHING. I just want to lay down until this pain goes away, but I have these rotten children that keep looking at me wanting to eat and play and i supose eva needs her hair combed once in a while and sam is still king vomiter of all the United States and Mexico, so I just keep changing his bib, and then his clothes.

Justino had a similar injury with his back and leg before we had children. Of couse he just got to lay down for months until it was better ( and in his defense, his problem was way more severe than mine) But I said to him this morning, Isnt there anything we can do for this leg, and he said. Don't worry mija, you will just be miserable for a few months and then it will be better. Thanks, Justino, Thanks alot.

Paradoxical Zen

Since I was hanging on the raw ragged edge, much has changed. Justino got a job in Cancun. We are now in Cancun with him. He has rented us a HOUSE, with two bedrooms and closets and kitchen cabinets and counter space. I have a real stove and and an oven. I have a great fridge and there isn't even one cockroach in it. There are three wal-marts for me to choose from and many other similar stores. I can walk to the mall, that is giant and has a movie thearter. I have a pool that is just for the people that live on my street. I swim with Eva everyday, sometimes twice and Sam is just a darling little fat ton. He likes to swim too. It is 80 degrees here, and beautiful. We paid 6 pesos (just under 60 cents) and rode the bus to the hotel zone and saw a dolphin show. Eva was in heaven. The hotel zone feels like inside some ritzy Las Vegas Casino, without the gambling. The shops are high end, it is beautiful, and lots of tourists. Lots of luxuries here that I never dreamed of in Martinez.



I also have some charms here that I enjoyed in Martinez. The guy on a trike selling corn on the cob, elotes, and the corner stores everywhere that make running to buy a drink for visitors really convient. They even have twix bars here. Some real american candy. The street I live on is a dead end so there isn't a lot of traffic. There are beautiful trees and flowers growing. There are huge aloe vera plants randomly everywhere. There are even side walks here.



Even better than all the convience here is the family that is finally reunited. And here we are together loving having a life together. A good life together. Where important things are important, like eating dinner together, and takking walks together and laughing together, and sitting on the porch everynight while eva pushes sam in the stroller, reading every book that eva owns every day because what else are we going to do? Life is slower here and so we don't miss all the good stuff that sometimes get skimmed off the top in the rat race of the states. I always feel so busy when I am there. We are just here holding on together and living a life that is just ours and we are happy. There are so many things about this life that I perfer.





Last week my good friend Lisa invited us to her house and she cooked her head off and made a Thankgiving dinner for us. It was delightful. She was showing me her hosue and all she said,
" This is my own little zen" She has created her safe space. It is her zen. I thought when she said that, how us being together here, isolated from so much of the worldly crazy, that we are in our own safe place, our own protected bubble. Where we can focus on being instead of doing, and all the while it's tropical Mexico. I love it.





And while I love it, it is still Mexico. I run out of water if the city doesn't pump water up onto the water tank on my roof. In theory it is supposed to fill every morning, but on the days it doesn't by the after noon we have no water till the next day. The side walks are great for walking on , but are so bumpy and uneven that they are not so great for strollers. So we still walk in the street a lot of the time. Eva uncovered the drain in the shower and I got to scream at my first cockroach since I have been here. The biggest flaw to this paradise is that my family isn't here. My eva cries for her grandma everyday. SHe isn't going to grow up playing with her cousins. She might not even know them. Things are just things but family matters. And sometimes I grieve and ache and long for my nearest and dearest.



So there is the paradox. We live in a paradise, with just enough "things" to be comfortable, but not enough that we forget the good stuff, and it is truly peaceful, yet all the while carrying an ache for the important parts of me that are so far way. And then again I guess that's what finding peace is really all about being happy in the midst of hard things. Because really, it is never all the way easy. So here I am finding my zen, in the middle of imperfection. Mine, the country's, my kids, my husband, and yet peaceful all the same.

Raw Ragged Edge

So just as I sat and wrote the title of this post, the baby screams, and again I am re affirmed that the title to this blog is accurate. He is now asleep again, I think, and so I have about two minutes to get this done. So baby Samuel Justino was born. He is almost a month old now. He is of course the most handsome son ever born to any woman anywhere, and he is very tranquil and sweet. His sister was that way, and I learned in the first year of her life that means that God has some serious turmoil to put us through and a baby any more high strung we couldn't manage. Maybe that says something about how easily I am pushed to the edge but at any rate, I am enjoying that the sleeps alot, ( except for when his sister sleeps) and that he is very cute. Delivery was fine, all went well, Dad got to see us right after on a web cam. We are doing a lot of that lately. Since the baby was born Eva whines everything she says. She wants a bottle everytime Sam has one, and is no longer sleeping through the night. I have decided that my children have telecomunicative powers, and with only their little minds tell each other when they have just barely gone to sleep so that the other one can wake me up. They tag team me like this all night, except for last night when they decided to scream at the very same time. Just remember folks sleep is for the weak. Oh yeah, I am weak, I NEED SLEEP. I am waiting on all of Sam's documents before I can go back to Mexico. This separation has been terribly difficult and so long. We are eager to be back with Justino. We are working on getting hired at the consulate in Juarez. Sen. Hatch has made that a possiblity this week and we hope it works out. In the meantime we are still hanging out on the raw ragged edge of sanity, and hoping that we don't fall off.

Hello Again

So I guess it becomes really obvious when I am in the states, because I stop blogging. I hope I haven't scared you all from coming by to see what is going on with us.

Really not much to report. I am scheduled to have a c-section birth on June 16 at 5pm. If I go in to labor before that, I will try for a natural birth, but the docs seem to think it unlikely. We will see. Either way, I am counting. I am more and more uncomfortable every day.

I have been in awe at how angels in my life have prepared me for this baby. When I got here the first of May, many asked me to if I had what I needed for this new arrival, and if I was "ready". I had not one outfit, no car seat, no crib, I guess you could say that I was not ready, AT ALL. Strangely, I felt no worry about it, and now I know why.

A few weeks ago my friend Eliza showed up with an entire wardrobe for this child until he is at least one. She has a friend with a baby just over a year behind my Sam ( Samuel Jusitno is going to be his name, by the way) she brought me all his clothes that he has grown out of. She also brought me a load of newborn diapers and size ones that her baby has grown out of.

Then this week some other friends, ( Nikki and Kami) threw me a shower and invited many generous doners that all contributed to a double stroller and a car seat, as well as some cute toys and nursing tank top ( thank you SO much Cacia) more diapers, wipes, bibs, all the goods. I am so set up. I am so grateful to everybody for all they gave. I feel so taken care of.

Jusitno is still champing it up in Ciudad Juarez. He is lonely but continually amazes me with his good attitude. We talk alot on the phone and he is always cheering me up. It should be the other way around since I am surounded by the best friends and family ever and he has NO ONE. He truly amazes me.

He is working at a english call center, and making just enough to feed himself and pay his rent. We are thinking about moving to Canada. We still don't know about the High School Job In Colonia Juarez. There has been no hope or help with the job at the embassy, we have a few leads in Cancun that haven't come to fruition, and still a possibilities in a few other cities.

We are hanging in there. I can't look to far into the future but for today, we are still hanging there.

I'm Back... in more ways than one

So I am back to Utah. We left Martinez on March 1 and drove 40 hours through the long and windy bumpy pot hole filled roads of mexico to the border town, Ciudad Juarez. My Father in law got his visa, lucky bastard, ( I mean.... good for him.) Justino looked around and found a job in Juarez while we were there. The pay is crap but it is more than he found in Martinez so he is there. Senator Hatch claims that he is working on helping Justino get a job at the American Embassy in Juarez, which would be GREAT, way better pay, good hours, the works. So we will see how that turns out in the next week or so. Can't say I love Juarez, crime filled, ugly desert armpit, but with a job and a ten minute drive to El Paso, we might take it, for a while at least. Also nice that there is a direct hour and a half flight to Salt Lake, so close for visiting purposes. Also we don't have to have a permit from the Mexican Government to keep our truck there, so that is another perk. Jusitno is there, and missing us, and we are here missing him, and hoping to be back together as soon as I can get an ultrasound here, and make sure the bun in the oven is cooking like it should. I am back to a computer after a long time. Our hard drive crashed a few days before we left Martinez, which SUCKED! But some little genious there fixed it for us, and we are up and running again. Eva is back to adequate pediatric care, and gartefully so since she has Giardia. Apparently, despite all my vigalnt efforts to make sure she didn't get any mexican bath water in her mouth she found a way to drink enough while I wasn't looking. Can't say I am surprised, she always tried to take a swill while bailing water out of her bucket. So that is another priority before we head south again, getting her belly bacteria free. Mostly, back to the reality that not any amount of soft beds, baked goods, books, carpeted floors, clean water, or paved roads are worth separating our family. Too bad the US government doesn't understand that.

Shoes

So I washed ALL of my shoes tonight, by hand with lots of soap and water. I don't know if it's just me, but I have never washed my shoes before. In the states, maybe I would wipe them off with a wet cloth if they got spilled on, but they never called out to me, that they really needed to be washed. I once said that living here was like camping in hell. At the time I was being dramatic and rash, and mostly trying to make a point about a heat here ( it truly gets at least as hot has hell here, if not hotter) but that statement was more prophetic that I knew. The point about the heat was accurate, but the camping wasn't that far off. Think of how muddy and dusty your shoes get when you camp. I don't know why it never occurred to me to notice how filthy my shoes were getting, but it only makes sense. Most roads here are dirt, so it is just dusty and muddy and just dirtier than the states, and when I looked at my shoes, I mean REALLY looked at my shoes, I was SHOCKED!

So I pulled out the toothbrush that we never use, and the brush I use to scrub jeans by hand, and really went to town on my shoes. Not just the plastic ones, not just the cloth ones, the leather and the suede, I submerged them all, and scrubbed more dirt off them than I even knew was there. It was a sophisticatedkind dirt that had joined with the sweat of my feet ( are you disgusted? I was.) to form a film of I don't even know what, that accumulated so gradually that I didn't even notice that it was happening. When I started scrubbing and saw what came off, I almost stopped breathing. How was I walking around in such filth without even noticing?

Well they are clean now, all hanging neatly in a row. The whole ordeal made me think. I washed 15 pairs of shoes. Most of my neighbors have ONE pair of shoes. The worst part isn't even the 15. It's the 30 pairs, at least, that I left in Florida, and the other probably 20 that are at my mothers in Utah. Ok, so I have too many shoes, and I should be donating them to all the people here who don't have any. AND it made me think about what different mentality I had before I moved to Mexico. I didn't even know how disposable I thought everything was. NEVER would it have occurred to me to wash leather jesus cruiser sandals after wearing them until they made my feet stink, and looked so worn out. I would have just bought new shoes. Well tonight, I washed these OLD suckers up, and they will still go another ten thousand miles. I have had them for like six years already, but they will still go. Things are more washable than I ever thought.

So tonight I had a good time washing shoes on the roof, hanging them on the line with clothes pins, and watching life be reborn into shoes that have given more than any shoes I have ever owned and loving that they still have lots more to give.

I guess that is what it is all about. Learning to go in ways you never thought you could. Giving after you thought you were spent. Pretty applicable, since we found out two days ago that our appeal to the denial of our visa, was indefinitely denied. Our small window of hope of going home before ten years is up was closed by Mr. Chertoff in the department of Homeland Security, despite Senator Hatch's many efforts in our behalf. So now unless the house and the senate pass some reform that will help us, we are looking at the next nine years in Mexico. So not the outcome I expected. I am surprising peaceful. What can we do? Just wash our shoes and keep walking.

Something is Missing

Yesterday it was obvious that something important was missing. There was evidence all over. Like the batteries stayed in the remote controls all day. I put my purse on a low chair when I came in and my keys on the table and they stayed there. I picked up the things on the floor in the morning and by night time the floor was still clean. I drank a coke and I didn't have to hide it. I was out past ten and it was ok. I sat in a religion class with no toys or books or noise, just notes and thoughts and insights. Yes, yesterday was strange, something was definitely missing.
I was teary all day about what was missing. Just the thought of it, set me off. I didn't know exactly how to be. Everyone kept telling me how nice it was to have a break from all that was missing, and in truth, the night's rest with no interruption was bliss, and the lack of luggage that I had to carry yesterday made me feel light, but even still something very important was missing.

I sent Eva to States on Tues, with my wonderful friends Kami and Nikki who came to visit for the weekend. We had a delightful three days that filled my soul in ways that I can't even articulate. They are the kind of friends that are more like extensions of my soul than other people. They took her to my mother. I was undecided until the very last minute about sending her, but it really was the logical choice. I have to drive our truck out of Mexico before April 1, because the Mexican government won't let us keep it here anymore. Justino's dad has to go to the border on March 6 for his visa interview, and needs us to go and help him, so the logical answer is go to the border with the dad, and then take the truck to Utah, since more than two thirds of the journey will be done by the time we get to Ciudad Juarez for his interview. My dad is coming to the border to drive back to Utah with me. Then I will get Eva, see a doctor for this pregnancy since I haven't yet and I am almost 5 months along, and then head back down here to be with Justino for two months before I go back to the states, the first of June to stay until the baby is born in July. I knew Eva couldn't make that 50 hour car ride without screaming herself right to death, so I sent her and now there is something really missing around. It's her. Life is not the same without my Eva.

One Year Ago

One year ago at this time I was still in shock by verdict of an eight hour day at the American Embassy in Ciudad Juarez. I don't think it really hit me until the next morning. I just couldn't really comprehend that they said no visa. Not only no visa, but no visa for ten years. Not only no visa for ten years, but no visa for ten years and no option for a pardon. ( which is always the case in a situation like ours) No, there was no place in my mind for that reality. The next morning, at 4am, I got up and got in taxi by myself. Justino got in taxi behind mine. His went south to the airport in Juarez where he flew to Martinez de la Torre, where we currently live. Mine went North to El Paso Texas, and flew to Florida to get our baby. When I was in line at the airport my cell phone rang. He said, " I am going to lose you, did you make it Texas?" "Yes" I said, " I made it, I am here" he said. " I had to know that you made to Texas...." and the line went dead.
In that moment, the reality engulfed me and cried all the way to Florida. Hysterical angry tears, that somewhere, someone, made some law that could rip my family apart.

One year later we are together again. We had no idea that one year ago we would step onto a path that would change our lives forever. We still don't know the end of the story, but we know a few things now that we didn't know before. We know how much it means for us to be together, and we will never take it for granted again. We know how blessed we were to live in the states, and how luxurious our lives were, even though we were poor college students. We know how important our extended family is, our parents and siblings. We know people here in Martinez that have been such true friends to us, that we will forever be better people for having known them. We know that their is a God in Heaven that has a plan for our lives, as strange as it seems sometimes. I wonder what we will say in another year. Where will we be? What will we know? I guess that is what life is all about, one year after another, one lesson learned after another... I can't believe it was one year ago.

Loving the toddler years

So today I took a break. I walked away even though I could hear Eva crying for me, and told my self that her dad could calm her down. I walked to the park and finished reading a book called Augusta Gone by Martha Tod Dudman. Martha tells the story of her struggles as a mother as her daughter battles with drugs. ( Many thanks to Dolly and Jill who sent me books to read, YEAH!) Although I had similar struggles as Augusta as a teen, the voice of her mother was the one that stuck familiar chords in my heart. Not because my toddler has ever done drugs, or told me she hates me, but all I could think of the whole time, was what will I do if my Eva ever chooses that path? What can I possibly do to protect her from all the wrong that is in the world. I have the best mother on earth, and I choose that path for some time. In part my mother was what brought me back from those dark places I lived for some years, but then there is just a part of it all that none of us had any control or part of. It was just gift from God.

Sitting in that park I felt an urgency to get home and see her, and hug her. I felt an urgency to never fight with her dad ( even though he though he has a laundry disorder and can't wash our sheets with Eva's blanket, and he lies about it, and wastes time and water and drives me crazy) I don't want to ever lose my patience with her, and I don't want to ever raise my voice at her. I want to make her childhood perfect and happy so she won't have any wounds or any need to self medicate, but in the final analysis, I know I have no control over the choices she will make. What a humbling thought.

When I came home she was outside playing and came running to me and I hugged her and she hugged me back and kissed me and let her cheek stay next to mine the whole time I carried her upstairs. Today I am so grateful that my baby girl is a baby and she still loves me. I will have to remember these days when her teenage mental retardation sets in. I am not excited about those years. It was good for me to get into perspective her constant whining for me to hold her, and getting cookie crumbs all over the bed and the floor right after I sweep, and I don't even know where she got the cookie. I am home and it doesn't even bother me that she is hanging on my arms as I type this, I am just so glad she isn't on drugs. I also don't think being in the park alone for two hours hurt either.

Happy Aniversary

January 10 was our anniversary. Four years married. Seems like longer, and shorter because it feels like we've always been together, but the wedding seems like yesterday. These are the flowers that he sent me. Aren't they beautiful? I love that produce and flowers are extremely cheap here. I mean look at this arrangement, He would pay at least one hundred dollars for this in the states. He wouldn't tell me what he paid, but I know it wasn't $100.
I think as a couple we have been the most united this year. Sometimes I wonder what Justino sees in me. I am a mean, fat old looking lady who doesn't like to do the dishes, and rarely makes the bed. He is always, almost always, so kind to me, and genuinely takes care of me. It still baffles me in a way. Then I think, I followed his ass clear to Mexico. He better love me. He better love me so much. The best part is that he does.

Ark Builders

So it has been a blessed day. We found a place that will rent us movies. Justino brought home movie, popcorn, and a small bag of M&M's and a coke. If you eat a small handful popcorn while you still have chewed up M&M's in your mouth it is the most exquisite taste in the world, that followed by a swig of coke... Well there just isn't a more perfect snack trio. Justino some how knew I have this funny food fetish while watching movies and I couldn't believe that he even knew, let alone remembered or thought of providing me with my favorite movie treat. He just laughed and said, We have been seeing movies together for a while now. The best part was that they aren't pirated copies, like most DVD's here, so we could watch it in English.

We rented Evan Almighty and Oceans 13. We watched Evan Almighty, and all be it cheesy religious humor, We both loved it because we feel like God is asking us to something just as impossible as build an ark with no modern tools, while barefoot and with the help of many exotic animals, here in Martinez de la Torre. I saw it in the states when I visited in June, and at that time thought, hmmm, cute show, nice message. Today it struck such a different chord as we are one month away from being a whole year into this mess.

The leading man, Evan, US Senator, visited by god and told to build an ark because there is a flood coming. Suddenly he can't shave his beard, it won't come off. His hair is growing several inches a day, and God has replaced his suits with flowing robes that he has no other choice but to wear. We feel like God is asking us to things just as ridiculous as stand up in the United States Senate and announce that in the middle of a drought there is a flood coming and that we need to build an ark, with a long beard and a gauzy set of robes. We have unusual absurdities in our life , just like strange animals in pairs following us on to capitol hill. In several places in the movie he looks to the heavens with the attitude I have which is, " Are you kidding me God?" At one point near the end when there is blistering sun and the city has sent a wrecking ball to demolish his ark he rolls his eyes and says, " A little precipitation, is that too much to ask?" His tone echoes my sentiments exactly.

There was also the nice morale about family unity. The wife, thinking her husband has totally lost it, leaves him. Then she comes back and says, " We got into this as a family, we will get out of this as a family. Side by side"

Of course in the end, it is a miracle and Evan is a hero and saves the day on capitol hill, and everybody is happy. Then he chats one last time with God, and Evan says, " you knew all along" and God says something about doing everything he does because he loved him, and Evan says,
"But I fought you the whole time" and God says, " Yes, but you did it" So it ends, and I look at Justino and say, what part are we at, are we still building or are we just standing on the ark waiting for the flood. Who could know. God is the only one, but we are still here, side by side, working on some part of our own ark, and hoping it floats when God finally decides to send the flood. It seems sunny but we are hoping for rain real soon.

Announcing a new year, and the word NO

Well, it happened. 2007 is gone. GOOD RIDDANCE! BE GONE! Here comes 2008, the year of the United States. We are coming home this year, legally or illegally, we are not going to be here another year. A baby is coming this year, to be born in the United States, in clean safe hospitals, where no one will be taking for granted the blessing of what it means to be born an American citizen. Good things are coming this year.

I have no resolutions. This is an absolute first for me, usually I am the type to be spinning around thinking of reasons I am inadequate and having big intentions to become the perfect woman I imagine in my head. Such a fantasy no longer plagues me. 2008 here I come, fat, ungrateful, unhumble, and without even a shred of energy to care or even want to change. Just ready for the good things coming this year. They are coming, I am sure of it.

We spent New Years with the same friends that we spent Christmas with. The couple from New York went home on the 30, because their baby got sick. I think the party left with them. It was much more mellow, still nice, but much more quiet fun than Christmas Eve. By 11p.m. we had danced, mostly Eva had danced and we had eaten, and wimped out and went to bed. Justino went back to join the party, but Eva and I slept right through the new year. I think my favorite part of the festivities was before we went to the party. SEABISCUIT was on TV, in Spanish, but still. We watched it was a family, and ate the appetizers I made for the party. I made chicken broccoli casserole and put it on french bread. It tasted divine.

The Mexicans have a funny custom that they dress up like an old man and sing and dance. The old man signifies the old year about to die. They go door and people give them a few pesos. Eva is scared to death of the mask they wear, and as a result she has learned to say no. When the old man comes dancing she cries and screams, NO! NO! I am with you Eva, no more 2007. 2008 here we come.
Happy New Year!