Is this really happening

So we have been looking for work in Martinez for nine months. We have also submitted resumes in Mexico City, Jalapa,Veracruz, Puerto Vallarta. We have received offerers, like... Teaching English, 80 hours a week, weekends a must, $200USD a month. ( note that it cost of meager living here is $400USD.) So we are starving to death and can't make rent and never see each other. No thank you, we'll keep looking. Many other offers that are just about as pathetic, and so we keep looking. Well this week I think we figured something out. Long story short, Good trustworthy friend from church looking for a partner to start a business. We would provide to Martinez, ( our small town) and all the surrounding areas, a magazine and web page where people can list rentals, things they want to sell. From houses to fridges to electronic, whatever. Kind of like a classifies. It is so needed here. Still working out the details but I think it could really go.

Initially I was excited, and began fantasizing about all the things we could afford, a washer, some dishes, I could really use some new shoes, eventually even a house here. How great life would be here if we were really settled here, with a job and a normal life. Something to work for, a dream to go after. And don't forget, for the first time in nine months INCOME!!!! Imagine what we could do if we were actually EARNING money. Then I think of the house full of stuff that I left in the states. My music, my piano, a decent mattress, the most beautiful sleigh crib for Eva, my photo albums, MY BOOKS, I could go and get some of that. Sell the rest that we can't bring, and actually have fully functional kitchen instead of a camp stove two plates, a few forks and knifes, two glasses, and three pans. ( and Mind you I am cooking BIG meals down here, Jusitno is not so easy to feed) I get so excited. Oh the things I could so with all the things I have back int he states.

And then reality hits. Are you really going to settle down in Mexico. Sure great people, fantastic food. Flea Markets, and fresh fruit and veggies cheap all year, fresh juice brought right to my door every morning for only ten pesos, warm weather, on and on. I am truly happy here, but am I really go to start a business here, and actually stay here?

Does God really want me to raise my children without their grandmother, all their aunts and uncles. All of my family is in the states. All of Jusitno's family is in the states. Do we really have to be here so far from our families?

Does God really want me to have more children in a place where cesarean delivery still means cutting the muscles, and a long vertical incision down the middle of my stomach, and then there is the question of weather the child will be an American citizen. The last thing I need is to have to apply for legal status of another member of my family. I will of course not go through that. I can always go home for the birth of another baby, but that means traveling alone with a toddler when I am big and pregnant. and then having the baby without Jusitno, and then having to travel back with a new born and a toddler. I short circuit when I think about it.

And what about education for my children. Does God want me to raise them in a place where there are no books. How am I going to raise children who love to read if there are NO books in this whole town.

Is this really happening?