Christmas Letter

December 26 2009
Merry Christmas
( one day late)


This year has been a great year for us. We have been on a journey. Justino and I reflected on the drastic differences in our lives in Mexico now, and three years ago when we arrived.
Something that L. Whitney Clayton said in October Conference 2009 really stuck out to me. He said
Alma and his people “did pour out their hearts to [God]; and he did know the thoughts of their hearts.” Because of their goodness and their obedience to their baptismal covenants,they were delivered in stages.

I feel that we are being delievered in stages. We prayed to be able to be back in the states, but it is not yet his will. However, We have been blessed with a steady job for Justino. We have a car. We were able to buy a little house in July that we love. I have a washer and a dryer. We love our ward. Eva and Sam have started school to learn spanish and their teacher is truly an instrument in the Lords hands for their developement and happininess. We live in a tropical paradise where thosands of people travel from all over the world to visit. We have it’s beauty right at our finger tips. We have enjoyed lots of visits from friends and family and we love having company. Thanks to friends who have visited we have been invited to beautiful resorts and had many fabulous experiences.

We have been abundantly blessed and we are grateful.

We love you and hope your holidays were bright.

p.s. The photo was taken at a villa in Puerto Morelos, where we were invited by Justino's boss to spend Thanksgiving.

IT's not just me

Appartently Sammy didn't inherit his syrup drinking skills just from his brownie batter eating mother. As is shown here, his father is known to drink his spicy chili sauce straight from the bottle. The kid didn't stand a chance.

Brownie Mix for Breakfast

So in light of some Mexican Holiday that is Monday, Eva had a party at school today. I didn't remember that I was supposed to send treats, so I came home and promptly made brownies. Which just goes to show that buying a brownie mix with no specific purpose in mind, is NOT frivolous spending like I thought at the time, because you never know when it is going to be some Mexican Holiday and then have to send treats to school.

Come to find out, raw brownie batter is GOOD. So good in fact that I think I ate somewhere between 5-9 spoonfuls for breakfast this morning. I have a little chocolate buzz, and a slight stomach ache and a probing question in my mind. What kind of a person eats straight brownie mix for breakfast? Should I be alarmed?

Here is my Sammy. He doesn't eat brownie batter for breakfast. He gets naked and drinks straight syrup. Just goes to show the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Yellow Of Course

Once upon a time there was a house,. And we bought it. And this was it...

BEFORE

ANd then one day Justino decided to paint it Yellow

And I didn't care if he did or if he didn't, because I liked the white, but said ok. After all, yellow happens to be the most beautiful color in the whole world.


But as he went, I realized what an amazing oversight I had made for not demanding the house be yellow to start with. I mean LOOK at that color. How could I have departed so far from my very soul as to not realize that no other color would do. Lucky for me, Justino had the idea to paint it.

We let Eva help, but she painted with water.

( note the original colorm,it was PEACH before it was white, gag me)

And even though it's not all the way done, it will be someday, and in the mean time

We lived happily ever after.

Hurricane Ida

This was me Saturday morning when it was raining BUCKETS, I had 12 loads of laundry to take to the laudramat to to be dried, my roof was leaking and my righteous husband had left his wife and small children in a hurricane to attend the temple.

Luckily a few angels showed up to get on the roof and bail water off my roof until it was no longer a swimming pool, and to open up the blocked drain pipe causing the back up.

Some trees went down

and the streets were rivers.


But overall it didn't feel much like a hurricane at all.
More like a really long, very rainy day

HOW HIGH CAN YOU STACK YOUR DISHES?

Just when I was beginning to think that I had no talent at allI did this.

Happy Halloween

Welcome

For those of you who know me I am a total cry baby. And lately I have been seriously worried about it, because it seems to be getting worse. I cry everyday. I watched the end of Mulan with Eva the other day and bawled my eyes out. I have seen it 7,543 times! I can't comment AT ALL in any church meeting without crying. Even if I don't feel that emotional about what I am saying. I told Justino, maybe it is nerves to speak in spanish. Could be. Although I doubt it because I have commented in spanish in church for ten years now.

Today is no exception.

I have been bawling since I heard that the picture I have posted here would FINALLY be able to be taken. It is my old friend/missionary companion, Lisa, her husband Felix and their new daughter Paola. Since I met Lisa ten years ago she wanted children. She has always wanted children. It seems that god always gives us what we don't want, and so is the case with Lisa. She didn't want years of marriage before starting a family, but god gave her seven. She woke up this morning and went to work never dreming that she would get the message today that today her family would grow from two to three.

When I heard about I couldn't stop bawling. Today was a big day for Paola, she met the parents that will love her forever and she also turned two. We went over there for cake. She was serious mostly, and the neglect that she has suffered until now is evident. But as the evening progressed she smiled and lauged. I wept on the way home thinking about how she has suffered. Then I wept thinking about how that suffering is over, because she has found her home, and the ONLY thing they want to do is love the hurt right out of her little heart. They will, I know they will.

I cried when I told Justino that Paola needs them and that they need Paola. We laughed and I cried as we said that we know that this new addition to their family will not make their lives easier but it will make their lives richer and more full of joy. Then I cried thinking of my own pups and how hard and rich and full they make my life.

It is not uncommon for me to say that I am going to sell my kids to the gypsies because I don't really like them that much anyway, but looking at a little girl who really has lived in a home where they really did want to give her away, I was humbled. Then cried because I love my kids.

So here I am just crying and crying for cartoons and good news and everything in between. And today as I was stressing about how silly I feel for being such a titty mouse ( as in cry baby titty mouse) I had two thoughts that made me think maybe it was ok. First I had a flash of my aunt jolene, who cries about everyting also. I have watched her in any given conversations well up, and then simply state, " it makes me cry". Something about that made me feel like it was ok for me to be that way too. And the second thing was a scripture, particulary the way the scripture reads in spanish.

In english it says that we should " mourn with those mourn" but in spanish it says we should "cry with those who cry" That is so me. No one in my presense will ever be crying alone, or for that matter no one will ever be in even a situation that merits tears without me getting on the water works bandwagon to support them. I am going to remember that next time I feel embarrased because I can't keep my voice from cracking. I think I will also try wearing sunglasses more often so that my eyes won't look so red.

But tonight I am not even ashamed that I that I cried... ok that I am currently crying big fat tears for Paola, and Lisa and Felix who have just formed a beautiful family. I wish them the very best. These tears are a long time coming and for that I say to them and to Paola

WELCOME

Happy Birthday Grandma

Beauty

Why? you may ask, do I have a WALMART bag on my head?

I am bleaching my hair. I started bleaching my hair when I was 12. I have done it religiously since then, ( except for a small red head phase I had in my early twenties) BUT I haven't done it once, since I moved to canucn, which will be a year next month. The very dark roots that I have been sporting since I got here, have stood as very visible evidence that I have let beauty slip away from my life.

Not just my own physical beauty, but the beauty all around me. My children are beautiful, the nature here is beautiful, but I have not invited that beauty into my life. My soul has become a vessel of survial. Instead of thriving and growing and blooming, it has only allowed enough light in to merely exsist.

It is time for a change people!! Let the light shine in!! Today I didn't want to fold laundry AGAIN, or do the dishes. So instead I made beautiful wheat bread, and pulled my hair through this lovely plastic cap, and waited for the great change that this peroxide will bring.

Unfortunately, it didn't happen. I knew something was wrong, and yet I just kept hoping it wasn't, but alas.... an hour later, still only slightly faded and hair that was beginning to turn to mush. I hurried to a nearby salon with serious BO and sammy in tote with poopy pants on, and frightened my friend Norma who rinsed and reapplied new solution. Who knew a year in cancun heat could kill the potency of bleach. I should of, it has weakened my potency a time or two, but whatever.

The end result was not only a new color but a new cut. I am glad I did it. Here is me trying to get my sass back. What do you think? Is it working?

WOW

Today I found out about a lady who changed my whole day. Lifted away my lazy, and gave me so much hope. Thanks for that, her blog is
http://nieniedialogues.blogspot.com/

LAZY

Well as you have noticed I have been highly unmotivated to blog, just like everything eles in my life. I have been in a super rut. Sometimes ruts are sad, or angry or just because life is so the same the same, but i think I am just feeling lazy. I don't know. The mexicans have a word for it, they call it "flojera" I don't know an exact translation for it, but it stems from the word floja, that means lazy. The thing that kills me about it, is that Mexicans use it and it is widely accepted as a completely viable reason for not doing something. They say something like, " I was going to ( insert some imortant task here) but, me dio flojera, I didn't feel like it." I guess I am just from a culture where lazy is frowned upon, so it seems shameful to say it out loud. Gotta love these Mexicans.

But then again as I write that, I don't think I have ever met a lazy mexican. They actually work crazy harder than any people I have ever met. Like the women on my street actually move ALL their furniture outside to mop the floor, several times a week! Perhaps they have struck some balance I still don't get.

In the mean time, Tengo Flojera, I just don't feel like doing anything, and I guess since I am in Mexico I can say that, and it's ok.

Uplift

This morning I went to the dedication of the Utah, Oquirrh Mountain Temple. When a new temple is dedicated in my church the President of the Church is present and it is a special historical occasion. Honestly, I didn't want to go. Normal church services were suspended today so that members could attend the dedication. I, quite frankly, thought it the perfect opportunity to skip church, and relax. My mother talked me into going and I am really glad she did.

As I mentioned in my last post this trip has been wrought with culture shock. I have simply felt terribly out of place. Last night I was sad as I came home from the Gateway Mall, because as I browsed through the mall there were so many things I wanted and even needed that I could never afford. We went to the grocery store again after the mall, and I actually wept when I saw a Dora back pack for Eva that I wanted her to have, and could not afford. Through out this trip I have walked through many stores, and many homes of friends, and city parks, and the city rec center, and although I have enjoyed it all so much, I feel like I don't belong because nothing so luxurious is any part of my reality.

My mom said to me last night that God has placed me in Mexico to provide character building experiences for me and my children. Experiences that were prevalent in Justin's upbringing, that we might be a stronger family, and more grateful for the luxury if we ever we ever get to come back. I know she is right. On my birthday earlier this month, I asked Justino if he would go back in time and change the past if he could. If given the opportunity, would he want to go back and lie in the interview. That is all it would have taken, and we would have been headed back together instead of suddenly split between countries. He couldn't say that he would change it. It has been so painful so many times and so difficult all the time, but we can see how it has united us, and deepened our love and dedication to each other. He is a better man and father for having gone through this. I hope that the same is true of me.

Despite recognizing the good that has come from this journey, I have mourned often, again on this trip, for what I imagine we have lost. Much of which is convenience and ease and money and things. All of which I know are of lesser importance than family and gratitude but as the days pass and life feels so daily, I want to be grateful for a furnished home in Davis county with a washer AND a dryer, and perfectly regulated climate control, and clean water, and carpet and grass for Sammy to play on. I am grateful for my house in Cancun, and the fact that it is leaps and bounds beyond what I ever dreamed of having in Mexico, but still exists from time to time a divide in my heart between my gratitude for what the life I live and things I have, and a sense of loss for what I know I would had and the life I feel like I was entitled to.

I know that God has heard my thoughts because today he extended a message of mercy especially for me through through the talks in the temple dedication. All the talks touched me on a personal level, but the words of Pres. Dieter Uchdorf, a counselor to President Monson from Germany, came directly from God through him to me. Sometimes I feel the presence of God as a mighty power, strong enough to control the elements and create the universe. Today I felt a more tender side of God, as my Father who came to speak, through Pres. Uchdorf, to the troubled parts of his daughter's heart.

Pres. Uchdorf started about the beauty of the planet earth, and about how he has traveled and seen much of this diverse earth, and how each place has it's own unique beauty. He said that Utah is no exception and how this place has rich natural beauty and rich pioneer heritage. He expressed that despite that fact that he is from Germany and none of his family crossed the plains with the early members of the church he claimed that ancestry as his own. He said that they marched across this country " blazing a trail to Zion" Zion has much meaning to me. It was the word that the pioneers used to describe the place where they could worship in peace. They found Zion in Salt Lake City, Utah. My home. Many times as I have read the scriptures and read promises that were given to them about finding Zion and returning to Zion, I have claimed them as my own, and in my own heart I have believed that God would one day send me home to "Zion", in other word Salt Lake City.

I felt overwhelmed that I am also blazing my own trail to Zion, just as my own ancestors did. Then just as I was so grateful for the message, it became more personal to me as Pres. Uchdorf related a story of one of my own ancestors Sanford Bingham. He told of his long journey to Zion, his travels, and his trials and his triumphs. I felt connected to my very own ancestors, and i felt strengthened to continue on my own journey as Sanford did.

As I left feeling so uplifted, I thought about the spiritual uplift that is often available to me that I don't take advantage of. I was reminded today that I know that there is a God in Heaven who is powerful enough to move the tides and make the rain and also personal enough to know what I need to hear and feel to receive the strength to keep going on my own journey. I left renewed to seek that uplift more often, and grateful for the place that i am in my own life. It is just where I should be, and I am excited to keep forging ahead.

Culture Shock

Many have asked to see pics of the new house and they are upcoming I promise. I will have to delay them for the time being because I have traveled to Utah for a visit. I will be going back to Cancun at the end of the month, and then I post pictures.

I was surprised by this trip, I didn't know it was coming. My family, mostly my mother, engineered the tickets and called me on a Sunday and told me I was leaving on a Wednesday. It was an exciting surprise.

I have been surprised at how I have felt this time. I have been back to the states several times since this Mexican adventure started, but this time has been distinct. I think it is because we have truly settled in Mexico and I have accepted Cancun as my home for now. I have started doing real daily life in Mexico. Before I was completely in survival mode and all I could think about was when we would come home. Now for almost a year I have done very "normal" life in Mexico. That adjustment in my perspective has resulted in a very different experience in the states this time.

Last night I went to the Cheesecake factory and walking in the door literally took my breath away. It was so ornate inside and i just stared feeling like I was entering into a world that was so very far away from my own reality. The food was to die for, by the way, and i had a great time, but I felt like a little girl in a magical land I had never visited before. Which is silly, when you think about it, because I most certainly have visited such places for the majority of my life, but I feel changed forever.

I went to the grocery store and on every isle and in every section there was some delicacy that i wanted to take home with me. Asparagus in the produce section, (only once have I bought decent asparagus in Cancun) and Utah corn. There is no better corn in all the world than Utah corn. There was just so many things, cereals, and treats and prices. Things are SO cheap here. Did I mention the TREATS, krispy kremes doughnut holes, and hostess cupcakes, and Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, and all manner of delightful fatty goodness that is simply not part of the grocery inventory in Mexico. sure they have all kinds of imitation crap that is not worth the peso or the calories. It is just not the same. This is truly the land of plenty, and then plenty more again.

There are small things about daily life that are still amazing to me. Like turning on the tap water in the kitchen and taking a drink. I think that almost every time I have gone to the bath room here, I wipe and then pull the paper out to throw it in some waste basket and marvel that I can flush it. The roads are so wide and so smooth. The city is so organized and clean. There are free libraries and affordable zoos, and county fairs, and EVERYBODY drives according to traffic laws. It is just so orderly, and clean, and LUSH. This is the land of luxury, convenience and ease. Oh so easy.

I mean I always knew exactly how it is to live here. I am from here, but I just forgot, and it feels so surreal to remember.

STUFF

I can't believe I have SO much stuff. Where does it all come from? Let's review

I arrive in Veracruz with two suitcases and I found an apartment that had a roll of toilet paper, a bar of soap, a mattress, but no bedding, and a rose bush. We left one year and a few months later, and had a few things, but not really much to speak of.

I got to Cancun, nine months ago. This time with 7 suitcases. ( more luggage allowance with Eva paying for a ticket) Again we arrived to an empty house. A bed for everybody, this time Justino had sheets for us, and few plates and a fridge. Now I am packing and I can't believe what we have accumulated.

I really can't believe it, when I think of what we have paid for. Almost none of it. Thanks to my amazing mother, she has sent 12, yes 12 additional suitcases of things since we have been here. She scouts Davis county for folks coming to Cancun for a week and maxes out there luggage allowance, and 12 suitcases later, I have a vacmun and a cuisarnat, and a fully staffed kitchen, and toys and books, and everything I can think of. And a solid 95% of what she has sent has been either things that were mine that I left behind or cast off's from somebody. I am stunned at the abundance that is the United States of America. I am stunned at the excess of things that we can accumulate.

The really funny part is that although I feel like we have WAY more than we ever have since we have been here, I have only a fraction of what I carted around as essentials when I was living in the states. So interesting.

Stuff. Things. It's everywhere.

We are moving in the morning! YEAH!!!!

NEW HOUSE

I should be packing boxes or organizing drawers or something productive. Instead I am rationalizing that the washer is running, so I AM getting something done, and I am sitting to blog instead.

I have crossed another line in my heart. We are buying our first home in Mexico. We are settling right down here. For so long I anticipated returning to the states any minute, and instead We are buying a house here and laying down some roots. I feel really good about it. My peaceful heart is evidence that I have traveled through much territory in my own soul. Here we go.

Mexican life has become comfortable for us. Eva is becoming super bilingual. She loves her school, and her friends on our street. Sam is about to walk. He is standing up by himself and so proud of it whenever he does it. He is a happy boy. We are a happy family. Living a peaceful exsistence that we never expected.

Our sights still gaze toward the north, and someday we will go back, but in the mean time we are celebrating what will soon be our very own house in Mexico.

Directions

Today I wanted to make a chart for Eva's morning and evening jobs. It occured to me that I wanted to go to Papeleria Cancun. It is the biggest paper store in Cancun, or at least everybody talks like it is. So I get in the car having NO idea where this blessed paper haven is. That is just how you do things here, start moving and ask along the way. So I stopped the first girl I met at the top of the street. I didn't know her, but I asked her, " where is papeleria cancun?" Her exact words were ( for my spanish speaking readers) " el ADO, alli casi en frente, hay un extra y una calle que va asi. Alli esta. Translation, "the ADO, almost in front. There is an Extra ( a convient store ) and a road that goes like this." She then made a gesture with her hand like a curve. Kinda vague. But I did know how to get to ADO, so I drove there. I didn't head right where I had pictured because I didn't get in the correct lane soon enough around a busy turn around along the way, and had to back track. As I did, I asked a few taxi drivers who told me almost verbatim the same thing as the first senorita, and so I went to where I pictured "in front of ADO" although it wasn't actually in front of the front of the building, if you know what I mean. but sure enough I saw an extra and a little road that ran next to it, that curved somewhat, and so I turned, and I found the pie in the sky paper store/ art supply store/office supply all complete with the latest models of the good old virgin maria. I mean the place really did have everything. So much so that I walked around for like an hour, carrying my fat ton son, no less,and I bought some stuff and made some charts.

As I was triumphantly driving home, feeling proud of myself for having found my goal. I thought, Life is alot like getting directions from a mexican. Mostly you don't know exactly where you are going. The directions to the goal are not exact, but are clear enough, if you follow your intuition and ask a few folks along the way, even if you have to back track a bit, you will find your destination. Trick is just realax and keep your mind and heart open, and on the goal.

Happy Mother's Day

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY

Swine Flu

I am horrified to report that we are suffering from the swine flu here in Mexico. Our most problematic symptom is boredom. Eva has been out of school for over a week and isn't going back until next Monday. Church was also canceled under a decree of the Mexican government. We have also experienced irritation due to the over reactive warnings about not leaving our houses, and avoiding public places, and wearing masks that will have absolutely no bearing on our health. Our ears hurt from the wild exaggerations that we constantly hear on TV, our eyes hurt from the millions of emails and Internet reports we are receiving daily, and our hearts hurt that we live in a world where public leaders would promote such panic in order to turn our focus from the drug related killings in Juarez, the economic crisis, and the severely overdue need for immigration reform. What a problem this flu has created. too bad it is imaginary.

Please let me specify. I do believe that swine flu exists. But I don't believe that it is any more deadly than any other flu, and I truly believe we are being snowed about the gravity of the situation. Lets all continue to have common sense and get on with our lives, and stop living like a bunch of sheep that are being herded down the trails that our irresponsible leaders would have us wander.

Check out this email I got

This is an email that was forwarded to me:

I guess they already finished their English homework!!! Montebello High School in CaliforniaYou will not see this heart-stopping photo on the front page of the NY Times, nor on the lead story of the major news networks.The protestors at Montebello High School took the American flag off the school's flag pole and hung it upside down while putting up the Mexican flag over it. (*See pictures below*)I predict this stunt will be the nail in the coffin of any guest-worker/amnesty plan on the table in Washington ... The image of the American flag subsumed to another and turned upside down on American soil is already spreading on Internet forums and via e-mail.Pass this along to every American citizen in your address books and to every representative in the state and federal government.. If you choose to remain uninvolved, do not be amazed when you no longer have a nation to call your own nor anything you have worked for left since it will be 'redistributed' to the activists while you are so peacefully staying out of the 'fray'. Check history, it is full of nations/empires that disappeared when its citizens no longer held their core beliefs and values. One person CAN make a difference.One plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one........ ...The battle for our secure borders and immigration laws that actually mean something, however, hasn't even begun.If this ticks YOU off...PASS IT ON!IF IT DOESN'T IT SHOULD

Someone sent it to me and asked me what I thought about it. I was somewhat taken back, but this was my response...

I don't know what to think about this....

I agree that the government better get off their duffs and do something about immigration, but what do they think is going to happen? Are they worried a bunch of illegals are going to take over the country? Please. I think people need to open theirs eyes to the fact their government is starting rumors about swine flu to get our country full of sheepish followers to wash their hands and close their eyes to the fact that the leaders of our nation would rather leave inadequate laws in force that promote incompetency and dishonesty, instead of fixing what needs to be fixed. Those kids are putting the flag upside down because that flag represents the decency and freedom that our founding fathers based our great country on, and sadly all those principles ARE GONE. Especially when it comes to immigration, because as it stands, freedom is being taken away. my life is case in point. ANd those Mexican kids face the reality of separated families, and weakened futures because our leaders are no longer the great men and women that started this country, they are a bunch of selfish , power hungry political jack asses who can't see past the bureaucratic bullshit to truly understand what is REALLY going on in the lives of the citizens over whom they govern. Their lack of principles hurt the lives of the Americans not to mention the lives of the Mexicans that they turned their heads to while they crossed the border so they could exploit their work ethic and use them to boost American economy while screwing them by keeping them in the illegal shadows of the system. This email represents the ignorance of the American people because they don't learn and understand the issues. This email may seem so patriotic, but really it is frightening. When people choose not to deeply, truly understand, they allow the corrupt leaders, a fore mentioned, to keep doing their political damaging dance. People need to get involved, research and understand, and then get off the Internet and VOTE. Where are we headed? Those Mexican kids feel the oppression of our poorly governed country every day, and they are saying something about it. I wish the rich white kids would get off the computers and look outside their posh little lives long enough to understand the issues at hand, and then have the courage and the decency to vote and be involved in what they believe in. If not then they are worse than the kids who fly the flag upside down.

I guess I do know what I think about this.

Deeps thoughts from the Laundry

Today I was folding clothes and watching Oprah (yes thank to good old American Network on cable I watch Oprah and Ellen for that matter) Anyway so Oprah was interviewing these FLDS members in this ranch called Return to Zion or something like that. A polygamist situation, one dad, three moms, and nine kids. Funny long prarie dresses, poofy bangs and braids, at first glance these folks are FREAKS. Polgamy makes me want to vomit when I really think about it, and I can't imagine living so secluded and different than the rest of the world.

But as Oprah interviewed the wives and the husband and the kids, and the teens that live on the ranch, all of them expressed things I could relate to... Like loving their kids, like working hard every day to find simplicity and progression, overcoming weaknesses of the flesh, submission to God's plan for their lives, all things I think about every day. They talked about how horrible it was when their ranch was raided and the kids were taken from their moms. One mother said that she knew the raid was coming and got up and packed each of her children a bag with their clothes with their name on it. SHe said she knew they would be separated. She handed each one their bag kissed them and told them to be sweet and to say their prayers that God would bring them home to her. She said that she handed her baby to her olderst son and told him to take care of his brother, and that was the moment that she wept. My heart broke thinking of that moment.

As I watched I started to wonder if we are too quick to judge livestlyes that we don't understand. All of those interviewed expressed that they are happy living as they do, and choose the lifestyle that they have. Oprah asked the hard questions about marriage and sexual abuse of minors, and the obvious conflicts of polygamy. The anwsers seemed to make sense for those interviewed. Oprah finished her show by saying that inside the ranch she saw well mannered children, happy women, and provident living and then stated that she hoped that there wasn't more going on that the cameras didn't capture. I guess therein lies the real issue. If it is as good for them as they say it is, then I say to each his own. I can't fathom that lifestyle, but lots of people can't fathom mine.

Today I have been thinking about where the line is between necessary judement and interveintion , and where we need to let it be. Such a hard call really. I don't really have any anwsers, but I guess it just renewed to me that life is so not black and white, and it is those gray areas that are just tough to define. Hmmm..... Just made me stop and think.

We still believe in miracles

SO the subtitle of this blog is " We believe in Miracles". When I wrote that originally on this blog I still believed that we would be granted the visa and back in the states shortly, and really if I was being honest at the time I would have written, "We believe ONLY in the miracle of a visa and our return to the states, any other miracle is not in our agenda" Today that is no longer true, we believe in all miracles and I am happy to report that we have recently experienced one.

This miracle has been coming over the past few weeks but has solidified in the past few days. About two weeks ago I found the answer to a spiritual quandary that has been an irritant since we were denied the visa. That in itself could take up several blogs, but the short of it is that I received my answer and it has been so healing that I feel like have lost 500 lbs and I am not the same person. I find myself happy to take care of kids, instead of resentful and tired. I have more energy and I feel so light hearted. I haven't felt light hearted since Feb 7, 2007. It has been so refreshing.

Coupled with a spiritual cleansing, Justino got a promotion and a raise and work, and I got offered a job to teach piano at a music school that is within walking distance of my house. I am loving my house and feeling that it is not only adequate, but cute all at the same time. For the first time in Mexico I have hope that all my needs could be met in this country. I am finding such peace and happiness here.

There is still a small twang of pain when I think about our choice to go back being taken away. I cried in church on Sunday when a member of my ward in Utah surprised me by being at church here. He asked me if there was anything he could do for me before his vacation ended, and I told him to go back to Utah and hug my mother. He rang her doorbell last night and did it for me. Something about seeing him here and it being such a reminder of life lost there, felt a little like picking off a scab. But I have identified that the hurt isn't being in Mexico, it is the ridiculousness of my "free" government putting me in a position where I have to choose between my country or my husband. Because frankly, when I think about it today, I think even with a visa, I would choose Mexico to be my home. And that my friends, considering all that has transpired, is nothing short of a miracle.

Living the Dream

So my mother has been visiting. That has been a dream in itself. Sam wakes up at 5am, and she is up anyway, so I go back to bed. She tended the kids last Saturday for 20 hours while we took the long journey to Merida to go to the temple. She doens't stop cleaning my house or baking or sewing or something all the time. She fixed my broken couch and Eva's broken bed. Mostly it is so fun to be with her and hang out with her, and not be so lonely all day. It has been so nice. Anyway....

So last night we went to see some members of our church, Romina and Gonzalo, do this music and Tango show at a local resteraunt. They are from Argentina and they are seriously living the dream. They love music and dance and they came here to make a living doing what they love. They are very talented, Romina's voice sounds like velvet reeses peanut butter cups, only yummier. WOW, she is so good. Gonzalo plays the guitar while she sings, and then they dance the tango, this slow passionate beautiful dance. Movement that is truly captivating. I sat there thinking, that I don't do what I love anymore.

I never play the piano. Just for the record Hymns in church do not count as playing the piano, even though I do that every week. I miss having that spiritual and emotional connection to a masterpiece of music and feeling like I have experienced the emotions the composer felt when the masterpiece was created. I loved wondering what life experiences generated those emotions for Beethoven, or Chopin or Debussy. Music is magic because even though the afore mentioned masters lived in different times and different parts of the world, they felt the same feelings that you and I feel, only they had the incredible talent to capture that emotion in a musical snapshoy, that is as vivid hundreds of years later as it was when it was just brand new.

My music was a conquest, something I could dominate and work hard to achieve. I was so good at it. I don't do anything I am good at anymore. I am not good at crocheting, even though I have tried doing that lately. I am not good at scarf making, another pass time of late. I am not a good mother, or a good wife. I am not dedicated to really anything. I just get through the days. I decided last night that such complacency is simply unaceptable. I have got to learn to love what I do, and also do what I love. I am in charge of my own reality, and if I make it empty and meaningless well then what do I expect?

What Martinez Taught me About Today

We lived in Martinez de la Torre for the first hard horrible year we were in Mexico. Funny how much I miss it. I commented to my friend today, that I miss it. I miss the people and the church memebers, and how much we served there. I miss the priceless friendships that we made there. I miss the real quality of the people. Funny how people change when you mix humanity with just a little bit of money. Poverty is a reality to almost everyone in Martinez, even those who didn't live it directly, felt it, or at least saw it enough to keep it real. When pretense is gone, people can just be people. Humans who all feel, and love and long, and dream.

Tonight we came home and there was a message on the messanger I left open from one of the youth from our church, Gloria. She told us that Marta Franyutti died today. Marta was out neighbor. She was like four feet tall, and she looked older than my mother, but was really way younger. She was a worker. Her husband has epilepsy and couldn't work. She limped and had a heart condition but she cooked chiles rellenos and sold them, and raw chicken, and whatever she could think of. She dreamed of owning her own Panederia, a bread shop. She was a baker and she loved to make breads and cakes. She came and rubbed me with some icy hot crap when I hurt my back. One day I lost the church keys, and I knew Justino was going to kill me. She lived right next door so I ran to her house to see if she had a flashlight so that I could look in the truck. She took me by the hand and pulled me to my knees and prayed the most sincere prayer that she could help me find my keys. She found them. It was her faith that night, not mine, that rose that prayer to heaven. Justino used to stand up in church every week and ask the members to be on time for the services. He told them every Sunday that chuch started at 11 sharp, not 11:15, not 11:30, not 12 or 12:30. We would start every Sunday with just Marta in the audience. SHe was never late. As the service would move on the 50 other attending members would trickle in. Not Marta, she was right on time, every single week.
One time at a Relife Society meeting she sang, with no accompianment at the top of her raspy almost masculine voice, off key. She told me later how grateful she was that God have her the talent to sing. I didn't have the heart to tell her that he didn't give her that talent. She was always singing. She was grateful for life. She thanked God for one more day of life every time I ever heard her pray, and she meant it. I remember thinking once when I heard her say that, What is the big deal with one more day of this torture. Life felt like that to me, often when I lived in Martinez, but Marta had figured it out. She had learned that it wasn't about having everything, it was just about having enough. She taught me a lot about what enough really is. I have thought alot about the difference between a want and a need. There is a gray area there that I can't always define, but Marta got it.

We called our friend Frank tonight to get the details, and he told us about all the other awful things that are happening there right now. How Jimena the four year old daughter of out stake president has a tumor on her kidney and they are going to operate on Monday in Mexico City. He told us about how another Brother that was in charge of the Young Men in his ward, was caught selling drugs. His wife has cancer, he had no work. I hear that drug buisness is pretty lucrative, until they put you in jail. I don't know why he did it, but if I had to guess, he was despearate. Just trying to keep his wife alive. Maybe I am wrong but at any rate, how sad. And Marta is dead. Frank told us that they were missing us and talking about us in a meeting that the bishops had with the stake presidency. That made me feel good. We really did work hard there in the church.

It makes me wonder, what are we doing here? Is life really only about having a job and earning money? That is why we came here. The bishop here hasn't even given us a calling. Should we have stayed in Martinez? Really, we couldn't have. WE were out of money, we were out of options. It just makes me think, what I am supposed to be learning from this whole experience?

I was suffering in Martinez, and tonight I am longing to be there again. I guess the point is to learn to love the moment I find myself in. To cherish it, and be in it, and also realize how fragile it is, because it will be gone someday. Stages of life come and go, and come and go. I remember being at the flea market one day and feeling strongly impressed to savor the experience because it would be gone soon. I had closed my mind to all possiblities except for going to back to the states, and so I of course interpreted my feelings to mean that we would be going home soon. I had no idea we were headed for the center of hell, cuidad juarez, and the longest separation I could imagine.

So now I am going to bed still wondering why God has sent us here. To a place where we have all the unimportant things, like enough money and three wal marts, and not the real life defining experiences and realtionships that we had in Martinez. And yet, we have to eat right? Why didn't we ever find work there? What is God thinking and planning? What is this really all about? I guess I just don't get it. But something is telling me not to make the same mistake here that I made there. I need to savor this experience as baffling as it is to me, because I didn't savor Martinez. I was baffled then, all I could think about was what we didn't have, a job and stuff and stablity. Now I can see what the whole thing was about, and I couldnt then. It must be the same now. I truly can't see the forest for the damn trees, but I better start eating the fruit and loving it because in a minute I might be in a whole other jungle with new trees and new fruit.

Good Night Martinez, I love you Marta.

Time Line

So I have had a lot of people ask me what has been going on. I think that I am complete with this blog but I am not. So here is a timeline of the last year so everyone can get caught up.

March 2008 Eva flew to Utah with my best friends int he world and Justino and I left Veracruz and drove 45 hours to Ciudad Juarez. He found a job there and stayed. I was in Juarez for two weeks and then I went to Utah to get Eva and to recieve much needed prenatal care for pregnacy with Sam

April 2008 Eva and Brook headed back to Juarez for four weeks to be with Papi.

May 2008 Brook and Eva spend time in Utah and get ready for the baby

June 16 2008 Samuel Jusitno Mora is born on his sisters birthday.

June - August 2008 Brook, Eva and Sam hang out in Utah while Jusitno suffers in the worst place on earth, Ciudad Juarez. Londly and sad he struggled to decide weather we would stay in Juarez or move somewhere else.

September 1 2008 Brook heads to Juarez with Sam so that Papi can meet his son for the first time Justino actually looked phyiscally sick, he was a little green, from his intense suffereing in Juarez. She then drove our fourrunner back to Utah. During that trip Brook and Justino decide to move to Cancun where Justino was offered a job as a 1-800- Hope mortage counselor. He takes calls from the states from people who are losing their homes and helps them,

November 8 2008 The much to long separation of the Mora Family ended when Brook Eva and Sam headed back to Mexico and are now enjoying their new life in Cancun.

I have to draw a line somewhere

I have done it. I have drawn a line. No poop in my hair. Is that such an unheard of boundry? Sam seems to think so.

I don't consider myself a stranger to poop. I changed adult diapers for a living for like five years. One of my patients Goldie, pooped on the beautiful white carpet in her rich daughters bathroom, and I have to clean it up. I got it out. No one ever knew. A blind patient of mine flooded her toilet one day and the water and sewage created a inch of poop that was washed into a thick paste ,that was plastered all over her bathroom floor. I was grateful that one wasn't a carpet floor, I scraped that mess clean. I didn't even gag. I can't say that for the time I had to put poop in viles for a stool sample for eva, ( when we thought she had giardia) . That was a little hard for me. I change poopy diapers everyday. I use cloth diapers so I have to swish them out in the toilet every time. I get my hands right in there to get those suckers poop free before they go in my clorox bucket. Like I said, I am no stranger to poop.I have learned good hand washing skills and am ok with my close aquaintance to poop. It's like that book says, Everybody poops.

But for some reason today, I still don't quite know how, I couldn't stop smelling poop. I had washed my hands, all the diapers were rinsed out and outside. Sammy was clean. I couldn't figure it out. Then I looked in the mirror, and saw that a strand of hair right near my face was darker than the others. You know, like when you accidentally run your masacre brush through your hair? Like that, only brown, and putrid. So only one thing to do. SHOWER.

Now I know it's a lot to ask. A mother of small children to actually take ten minutes for herself to wash the poop out of her hair, but come on people. Poop in my hair, I had to draw a line. So Sam cried like he was being stabbed the whole time I was in there. I was reminded why I don't shower quite as regularly as I used to. But I got the poop out. Somehow I needed more. I actually blew my hair dry. I don't think I have done that yet in cancun. And then it was like a snowball effect. I put make up on, another rare event, and even wore purfume. I mean there are things a girl has to do, to recover from something like poop in her hair.

Well the happenings were more than Sam could bare. I think my full on shower and make up fest may have bordered on child abuse because he cried so hard. I sit and reflect upon it, and I have to admit, I would do it all again. I mean I have to draw line.

Barak

So I just read the inaugaration speak of our new president Mr.Barak Obama. Quite moving actually. Wonder if he wrote it himself. Wonder if he meant all that he said, more importantly, Wonder if he'll do all he said he would do.

I am proud that our country has evolved enough to elect a black president. I want to think that I live in a world where color really doesn't matter. Seems to be a step in the right direction. Have you ever read Martin Luther King's "I have a dream speech" ? It is masterful. He predicted a black president. His Dream was prophetic. One line of that speech really grabbed me, when I first read it in the pit of hell, Juarez. He said " Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffereing is redemptive." Great men like Martin Luther King were great because of the truth that they promoted and drove into reality.

I wonder if Obama is great. I have to admit, that speech he gave this morning was pretty solid. He's no Martin Luther King, but still. I sit here in Mexico and I have to wonder, will he fail me too? The US government has failed me and my family. What will you do Barak? I can't wait to see.

What a ride

Today Justino and I are celebrating our 5 year wedding aniversary. What a wonderful wild ride these five years have been. FOR REAL! If I would have know the journey that marrying him would be, I still would have married him. I am so grateful to be married to him. I dont know if I can say the same for having the kids, but Justino was the right choice for sure. ( Just Kidding about the kids... but seriously)

I have been wanting to blog for so long and it's been one of those things where I don't have time to do it perfect so I don't do it at all. Lame I know. So, still to come pictures of my house that is so great that it is nothing short of a MIRACLE, that I live in a house so completely furnished. I actually have a normal life. It's so cool, and wierd after the two years of limbo-hell we have endured. Also lots more details about life in Cancun. Things are good here, so good. So good that I am actually worried about what tragedy will fall on us this year. I do remember a time in my life when I didn't actually expect tragedy all the time. Could that homeostasis return? I can't imagine that.

By the way, this is the only family picture ever taken in the five years that Justino and I have been married. Jusitno and I both hate it because we both think we look fat. Let's be real, niether of us the most fit we have ever been. I wish Eva were looking at the camera, but Sammy looks good, don't you think?